


The Sackler Trap

by LadyWithTheLamp2017



Category: Girls (TV)
Genre: Actors, Angst with a Happy Ending, Broadway, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff and Angst, tv
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:07:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 56,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26496133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyWithTheLamp2017/pseuds/LadyWithTheLamp2017
Summary: Young actress Julie Landor has just landed the part of a lifetime in a popular TV show starring opposite Adam Sackler. Very loosely based on the movie The Tender Trap (Frank Sinatra and Debbie Reynolds) Sackler has a reputation for seduction and a string of broken hearts. But with a little help from an older wiser source, could winsome young Julie beat Sackler at his own game?
Relationships: Adam Sackler/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	1. Why, Hello

It could have happened to anyone. But never me. Back in high school I loved acting in plays, but I was always passed over for the lead, instead taking minor roles. Non-speaking roles. It was frustrating. After graduating acting school, where once again, I would seem to just miss a lead part, it was the same. I was so excited to be finally cast in off-Broadway shows, usually as the quirky sidekick, the jealous "other girl", or, with heavy makeup, the mom or aunt. I think it was my average looks. I had a good figure, but I was a bit taller than average at 5'8"; my drama coach had once told me I had "ancient eyes" because of their deep warm brown color, and hair that matched them perfectly. Still, I was no dazzling beauty.

I continually auditioned for the leads every time and then threw myself into the supporting roles into which I was eventually cast. It was fine with me...they paid the rent. And I was acting; that was the point. So, when the opportunity came my way to audition for a supporting role in a cable TV show, I thought, "What the hell?" I seemed to be type-cast. But who knew what it would lead to? Other than a few makeup ads and one ad for a birth control ring, I hadn't done any TV. Hell, I might enjoy it, my talent agent Tracy Ivy, had said. And it wasn't like I was shooting for a major part, I told myself. Although she didn't tell what show it was, I was hardly in a position to care. I was at the end of another off-Broadway run with no prospects on the horizon. This had fallen into our laps. We were lucky it had, Tracy assured me.

Still, the auditions were brutal. The site where they were held was nothing special-looking; an empty warehouse in Brooklyn with a makeshift stage set up surrounded by hot lights, huge fans, and mics. Very spartan. Still, more brutal than any others I had ever gone through. I must have run through a dozen scenes and lost count of the number of times. After my fiftieth run-through, the casting director crooked his finger at me and I went eagerly over to him. The other actresses hung back and eyed me curiously.

He was thin and wiry, with shaggy dark blond hair and an equally unkempt beard. His round framed glasses immediately put me in mind of John Lennon, except he spoke with a decided midwestern accent. He was tapping his pencil against a clipboard as I joined him.

He glanced up at me, his pale grey eyes intense. "Miss Landor. Julie. Your readings were very good." His eyes traveled all over my face, then down my body and back up to my hair.

I self-consciously smoothed it down with my hand. "Thanks, Mr. Grissom."

He looked back down at his clipboard and checked a few items off. "Call me John," he said distractedly.

I nodded. "OK. John."

He looked back up, his eyes going once again to my hair. "Is that your natural color?" he asked pointing at it with his pencil.

Again, I touched it nervously. "Um, yes."

He nodded. "Would you be against going a few shades darker?" he asked. Then clarified, "For the part."

"Oh!" I was taken aback. Did this mean...what I thought it meant? "Um, no. Not at all. Whatever you need."

He grinned down at his clipboard and scribbled something. "Well, Julie, looks like you're just about set for the part then. You have an agent I hope?"

I stared at him. "Really?" I asked, forgetting not to gush.

He looked amused however. "Really, Julie. Is this your first TV role?"

I nodded, still amazed at my luck. "Well," I amended. "I've done a few commercials."

John nodded, his smile pleasant. "I thought your face looked familiar. You're pretty much what we're looking for...you have the voice, the accent, the tall, athletic build, your eyes are perfect, so is your facial bone structure..." He chuckled and shook his head as I blushed under his blunt observations. "Just get you into hair and makeup, do your color, and you'll be perfect."

I was beaming as I asked the question I had dying to ask. "Perfect for...what?"

He grinned at me. "You've heard of the show The Chemist? Well, we're introducing a new character this season. It'll be four episodes for certain, possibly more. As soon as your agent gets here, we'll go over the contract and if everything is agreeable, you'll be cast as Pat McClure's little sister, Angela."

My mouth dropped. The show and the name Pat McClure were very well-known to me. Pat McClure was an chemistry professor who supplied athletes with performance enhancing drugs on the side and often slept with his female students; an evil but charming character always one step ahead of the law. He was played by none other than the devilishly handsome and charismatic Adam Sackler.

I soon learned that the bare bones warehouse was known as "Studio C". The C stood for Chemist. They didn't do much filming there, preferring to film on location at various sites throughout the city but it was the base for makeup, hair, wardrobe and cast rehearsals. Meetings with the director and writers of the show also took place here. There was a counter with an industrial size coffee maker, cups, sugar, and cream, a tiny shared bathroom, and little else.

I was sitting in a battered beautician's chair where the hairdresser had saturated my long honey brown locks in a dark shade of brown dye that was almost black. I wore a bathrobe and a band of cotton encircled my head to protect my skin. The hairdresser was a thin, waifish woman named Agnes, a redhead in her early forties who wore her hair in a severe edgy bob. Her large black framed glasses made her eyes look larger than they were and she had a perpetual pout and rarely smiled. She took her work very seriously.

"Alright," she said, peeling off her gloves. "Give it about twenty, I'm going to get some coffee. I check back with you in a few."

She left me there and I listened to the sound of her black Doc Martens thump-thumping away from me. I don't know how long I sat there, just tapping my fingers on the arms of the chair, watching people bustling to and fro, smiling an occasional "hi" to someone. I tried reading some of the script, but soon found myself yawning. I hadn't slept very well since securing the part, I was such a ball of nerves, so my eyes began to droop as I awaited the return of the stern Agnes to rinse my hair.

I must have dozed because the next thing I knew, a door banged shut.

"ANGELA!" bellowed a very loud, very bad imitation of an Irish accent.

I jumped a foot in my seat, the script slipping to the floor. Then for some inexplicable reason, I pushed myself up from the chair but forgot it was a beautician's chair. My foot immediately caught itself in the metal footrest and I went toppling forward with a scream. I put out my hands, catching myself before I could faceplant.

I heard giggles and murmurs of "Damn, Adam!"

"Oh shit!" said a deep voice above me as two brown boots came into my view. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you!"

I looked up, my brain only taking in dim impressions: two impossibly long jean-clad legs, a white tee shirt tight enough to have been painted on, a dark goatee and mustache, messy black hair. Before I could process all this, the behemoth bent over me and two large hands seized my forearms none too gently and hauled me to my feet.

"Ow!" I cried.

"I am so sorry," he continued, sounding as if he was trying to sound contrite. "Are you hurt?"

I glanced up and looked into a pair of warm, liquid brown eyes that were traveling all over me as if to assess me for injury. I realized he was still holding my forearms a bit too tightly. I shrugged free of his grasp. "No, ah, no, I'm fine." I raked a hand through my hair, a habit of mine and then, "Shit!" I gasped, remembering the hair color. My hand came away black. I rolled my eyes. "Goddammit!"

The tall dark-haired giant, whom I now knew to be the one and only Adam Sackler, grabbed my hand. "Oh fuck, I'm sorry" he said with real dismay. "Come over here."

Without waiting for a reply, he tugged me over to the rinse sink and grabbed the nozzle in one of his huge hands. He began spraying my hand then grabbed soap and a clean rag and started scrubbing fiercely. I bit my lip in annoyance but did not stop him as he practically rubbed my hand raw.

"I'm really sorry about this," he said, his voice low and intimate now that we were standing close together. "I knew you'd be here for rehearsals today and I just wanted to say hello to you, introduce myself before we get to work."

He kept trying to catch my eye, but I was biting my lip, watching him scrub my hand as the realization of how I must look flooded my cheeks with hot embarrassment. It didn't help when he apparently noticed this.

"You're not mad at me, are you?" he asked, hunching his shoulders trying to look me in the eye.

In spite of myself, I found I was fighting a smile. This huge tree of a man acting like a chastised puppy dog was really too much. I shook my head no. Then I began pulling my hand from his. "I think I'm good," I said nervously. "Thanks."

He didn't let go, however. Taking a dry towel, as if I was a helpless baby, he began drying my hand, taking his sweet time getting between my fingers and under my fingernails.

"Good," he said simply as he performed the task, "because I was hoping we could..."

"Adam! What the hell is going on here!" cried Agnes walking up, hands on her slim hips. The she looked at me. "And what are you doing out of the chair?"

"I...um, I'm sorry...I", I stammered.

"Get back now," she ordered.

As I hightailed it back to the chair, I could hear Agnes and Adam behind me.

"Hey, Agnes, relax it was my fault..."

"It always is, isn't it?"

A deep, masculine laugh. "Jeez, I'm hurt..."

"Save it for your sycophants, lover man," she said sourly. "And keep your hands out of the cookie jar this time, ok?"

Adam shoved his hands in his pockets and stared at her. "Wow, Agnes...nice." Then his gaze drifted down to me and he winked.

My belly fluttered pleasantly, and I looked away quickly. Was Adam Sackler flirting with me?

Agnes had returned to my side and reclined the chair with a jerk. Grabbing the nozzle from the sink, she began rinsing me, running sharp nailed fingers through my hair as she did so. From my peripheral I could see Adam Sackler's tall form standing on the other side of me, watching.

Ignoring Agnes, he gave me a mischievous smile that deepened the creases in his face as he stood over me to get in my direct line of sight. "Look, I'm sorry. We got off on the wrong foot. Can we start over?"

I heard Agnes sigh angrily above me. I rolled my eyes to the left to see her scowling then glanced back at Adam's smiling face. "Sure," I murmured.

Delighted, Adam took my hand in his and clasped it. "Why, hello Ms. Landor. I'm Adam Sackler and I believe we're rehearsing a scene together today."

I bit back a smile and failed. "H...hello," I returned. "Just Julie, please."

"Julie," he said and something about the way he said my name made me squirm uncomfortably. He made it sound almost...like a filthy word. His smile widened and those dark brown eyes twinkled mischievously.

And a red flag was hoisted to full staff in my brain.


	2. Red Flags With Brown Eyes

Agnes pulled the round brush through my hair as she applied the diffuser to my now glossy black locks. "You'll wanna stay away from Sackler," she advised abruptly.

My eyebrows shot up. "How can I stay away from him if we're going to be co-stars?" I asked.

She smirked. "You know what I mean." She moved around the chair to work on another section of my hair. "He's a player. That's all I'm saying." She muttered under her breath as if to herself, "A real player..."

I glanced over at Adam where he stood laughing and talking with a few of the show's regulars. One was the actress who played his current love interest in the show, a gorgeous blond by the name of Eve Gardiner. Adam and Eve jokes abounded of course but she seemed impervious to Adam's charms; rumor had it she was dating a prominent movie director twenty years her senior. Then there was Arthur Blunt, a pleasant, fatherly man in his middle fifties who played the Dean of Students at the school where Pat McClure taught. I had met them all and so far they seemed like a friendly tight knit group who welcomed me with open arms.

I giggled as I watched Arthur ruffle up Adam's already messy black hair. "I doubt he'd be interested in me," I said.

"Ha!" Agnes laughed. "Wanna bet? After rehearsals today, he'll invite you to coffee. With the rest of the cast of course. You know, to discuss the show? Then after coffee, he'll want to walk you home. Just you and him. Then he'll ask you out for drinks...again, just you and him. Then he'll ask you out on a proper date...to a nice restaurant."

I glanced at Agnes in the mirror. "I'm failing to see the downside here, Agnes," I joked.

"Just wait. And when he thinks you're ready, he'll ask you to spend the weekend with him upstate in his cabin. And that's when you become know as an Upstate Girl."

I stared at her. Was she serious? I burst out laughing. "An Upstate Girl?" I asked. "Are you joking?" It was the most absurd thing I had ever heard.

Agnes hummed, "Ohhhh, there have been tons of Upstate Girls. And the thing is, once you become one, that's it. He's done with you. On to the nest conquest. And you have to live with everyone knowing what you did and what you are."

"Hmph," I mused. "Well, don't worry. I'm not going to become an Upstate Girl. It's not part of my plan."

Agnes raised her brows. "Oh, you're one of those who has it mapped out, huh?" she said wryly. "Well good luck with that. And I mean it."

I laughed. It sounded ridiculous. I wondered if Agnes was putting me on, so I said no more about it. When she and John were satisfied with my hair, I joined the rest of the cast for a run-through of my first scene. The director of the show, Sharon Greene, was wonderful and very encouraging. 

She laid a hand on my shoulder. "I really want to film the scene where you break into Pat's apartment today. But don't worry, first we'll warm you up with Adam...rehearse your first scene with him. Ok. So, he comes in, finds you asleep on his couch..."

Angela: Didn't anyone ever tell you it's impossible to sleep when someone's staring at you?

Pat: How the hell did you get in here?

Angela: Your locks are surprisingly easy to pick.

Pat: You fucking broke in? I should have known...

Angela: Pat don't yell at me. Chris and I broke up...

Pat (runs a hand through his hair): Well, I'm calling our parents right now. They can just take you back.

Angela (yawning): Patrick, I'm really tired right now. Can we talk later?

Pat: Hell no! You...you can't be here, Angela. I've got no room for a kid.

Angela (sitting up): Yeah well, I've got no where else to go, Patty-boy. Mom and Dad threw me out!

Pat (closes his eyes): Oh, shit...

We ended up filming two of my scenes that day. It was the most exhilarating experience of my life! Adam was a tremendous scene partner and I just couldn't see the ruthless lothario Agnes had described. I felt completely at ease and at home with my new co-stars. Not that it wasn't exhausting. I don't think I had ever worked so hard in my life. I couldn't wait to tell Mom all about it.

Twelve hours later we had wrapped up for the day and Adam came jogging up to my side as I hoisted my bag over my shoulder. "Hey, Julie," he said, his smile boyish and enthusiastic, "I just wanted to tell you, you did fantastic today. Really great...you sure this is your first TV job?"

I laughed. I could tell he was teasing. "Um, yeah. I mean I did a commercial for Revlon once and then an ad for a..." I stopped, blushing. Why should I be awkward about it? It was just a fact of modern life. I cleared my throat. "...birth control."

Adam seem unfazed. "Well you could've fooled me," he said, that charming smile and those eyes sweeping me up and down stealing my breath. "Look, the three of us, Eve, Arthur and myself are going for coffee. Wanna come?" 

Ah. There it is. I flicked a glance over at Agnes where she was putting away her makeup kit and she smirked at me in an "I told you so" kind of way. I looked back up at Adam. "I don't know, it's pretty late and.."

"Oh come on, Julie," he cajoled. "We don't have to be back here until ten."

"I know but I have a nearly four hour commute and my bus..."

Adam balked. "Four hour commute!" he cried. "Where the hell are you staying, kid?"

I stared at him. Kid? "In Utica. With my mom."

"Oh, that won't work, kid. No, you'll have to get a place here in Brooklyn. Hey! Eve!"

I frowned in panic. Oh shit what had I done?

Eve Gardiner came over, a knowing grin on her lovely face. "What's up?" she asked smiling at me.

Adam's hand rested on my shoulder. "Julie commutes from Utica," he explained. "I was just telling her how that won't work."

Eve shook her head. "Holy cow, Julie, that's like four hours away! I'm afraid he's right...especially if you end up filming more than four episodes. And you probably will."

I bit my lip. "I mean I guess I didn't think it would be that big a deal..."

Adam huffed. "Kid, you'll be paying out your ass in tolls alone. Hell no."

Eve nodded. "Adam's right. Look, come out with us and we'll discuss it. I'm sure we'll find a solution."

I shrugged. "Ok, but..."

"Good," Adam said, "That's settled. Come on, it's not far. We always walk there."

So we did. And the whole way there Agnes's words kept tumbling around in my head. Adam was glued to my side the whole time, his hand bumping mine as we walked and he occasionally touched the small of my back. It was actually very nice and I would have found the attention flattering if I hadn't been plagued by those warnings from the peaky makeup artist. 

Ten minutes later the four of us were seated at a round table in a small hole-in-the-wall coffee shop. When we arrived I was amused at the way Adam took charge of seating us, making sure he sat next to me with Eve on his left and Arthur on my right. 

Arthur talked about his early days on Broadway. He was articulate and entertaining. We talked about his scene with Adam earlier that day, a heated argument between the Dean and Professor McClure. We laughed about one of the lines from the scene and then laughed some more about how my multiple breaking-and-entering scene goofs. I couldn't help but notice how subtly Adam kept moving closer to me throughout the evening. When his knee nudged mine under the table I didn't even pretend I thought it was by accident. I nudged him back and saw his grin widen even though his attention was on Arthur, listening intently to the older man reminisce about the theater. 

The subject of my commuting from Utica came up and Arthur glanced at Adam. "Don't you have a cabin upstate a few miles from there?"

My efforts not to choke on my coffee at this question succeeded but I felt my cheeks flush. Upstate Girls...I thought and fought back a laugh.

Adam was topping off his coffee. "Mm-hmm," he answered looking down at his coffee cup. "A little more than few miles from Utica. I haven't been up there in a while. A weekend trip might be overdue." 

Arthur lifted his cup and shook his head. "What do you find to do up there all weekend, son?" he asked before taking a deep sip. "I'd be bored stiff!"

Eve smirked and opened her mouth to say something, then reached quickly for her cup and took a sip.

Adam's gaze flicked to me, then to Eve and frowned. "It's peaceful," he answered evasively. 

Eve surprised me by suddenly changing the subject. She turned to me and said, "Why don't you stay with me until you find a place?" 

My eyes widened. "Really?" I gaped.

Adam leaned forward enthusiastically. "Oh shit, Eve that's perfect!" He looked at me. "Why didn't I think of that?"

Eve gave Adam a look. "Because it's my place and my offer. Besides, you can't think of everything, sultan." She winked at him.

Adam grinned at her and gave one of those husky laughs I was getting used to. Their eyes locked as if they were sharing an inside joke. 

"Well that's a generous offer, Ms. Gardiner, but I..."

"Please, I think we're all on a first name basis here," Eve insisted. "Besides, Erik is in India directing a movie and he won't be home for a couple months. I could use the company."

I looked from her to Adam who had rested his chin on his hand and was staring at me intently. "If you're really sure," I began. "But just for a few days. Until I find a place."

"We'll see," Eve said happily. "Adam and I can help you look for a place, right sultan? And in the meantime, you won't have to worry about that god-awful commute."

I laughed. "I guess that's true."

Arthur cleared his throat. 

"Well, it's getting late, so I'll leave you young people to it." He rose and turned to me. "Ms. Landor," he said taking my hand. "It was a pleasure meeting you, and it will be an even greater pleasure getting to know you over the next few months." 

To my utter astonishment, he kissed my hand before giving me the kindest smile and walking away.

Eve shook her head, a soft smile gracing her beautiful lips. "He's such a gentleman. So sad about his wife..."

But I wasn't listening to her, not really. I am ashamed to say my gaze was completely under the spell of a pair of golden brown eyes that were making all kinds of wordless suggestions to me in the way they studied my face. And a warning bell joined that red flag in my mind.


	3. Chemistry

"So how was coffee?" Agnes asked ironically the next day as she powdered my nose.

"It was great!" I answered honestly. "Mr. Blunt is such a sweetheart and Eve is amazing."

Agnes cocked an eyebrow. "Wasn't there a fourth person in your party?"

"Oh, yeah, Adam."

Agnes snickered. "Oh, yeah, Adam," she mimicked. "Don't tell me he didn't try to walk you home."

"No," I answered, grinning. "He didn't." I paused for dramatic effect.

Agnes pursed her lips in disappointment.

"I'm staying with Eve for the time being."

Agnes's mouth dropped open. 

***

What I didn't tell Agnes, because I was a little tired of her insinuations, was that Adam had in fact asked me out for the proverbial drinks. When Eve excused herself to go to the ladies room, Adam had taken the opportunity to scoot his chair a little closer to me and start talking to me about what to expect in the upcoming weeks of rehearsals and filming.

"Depending on what kind of day Sharon's having, and how the rest of the cast and crew are, rehearsals can take all day, sometimes late into the night. Gets pretty stressful if you're not used to it so how about you and me getting a drink tomorrow night after rehearsals?" His hand was resting on the back of my chair now.

I cleared my throat. "Oh, um just me and you?"

"Sure," he murmured, his eyes drifted down a fraction of second to my chest then back up to my eyes. 

"Why?" I asked.

A tiny confused frown creased his brow. "'Why'?" he repeated. Then he gave a small laugh and touched my hand. "Because I think you're pretty, Julie."

I was taken aback. My face flushed. "Oh." I leaned away from him a little and cleared my throat. Even without the cryptic words from Agnes and loaded glances from Eve all night, getting involved with my co-star, especially this one, was not a smart idea. "Well," I began swallowing hard. "I've only known you a day but you seem nice enough." I lifted a shoulder in a small shrug. "You're even attractive. In a rough, beat-up sort of way."

His lips twitched in amusement. "Thanks. A lot."

I had to look down at the dregs of my coffee to keep from laughing. "But, I can't get distracted from work by going out with every nice attractive man I meet. It's not part of my plan."

I saw the confusion written briefly across his face, then it was quickly replaced with an intrigued look. His eyes narrowed. "What plan is that, Julie?" he asked, a little amused smile playing at the corner of his mouth.

I turned to him and sighed. With his dark hair flopping in his face, those plush, pouty lips, and those dark, intense eyes that could be a little scary at times with their intensity, I was quickly learning that Adam Sackler was like a huge mountain of obstinance. 

I sighed. "Well, I saw a few guys back in Utica just for fun, but I promised myself when I came to New York I was going to concentrate on my acting and not date anyone. Unless..."

He dipped his head trying to look into my eyes. "Unless?"

I laughed softly, going in for the kill. "Well, unless I felt a special...you know, immediate connection with him. If there's no chemistry, then it's a deal breaker."

His dark eyes narrowed and stared boldly into mine, as if trying to read my thoughts. Those smoldering eyes traveled down my body in that insolent way of his and his lips were starting to pout again. 

"You mean," he said slowly, "you don't feel there's any...chemistry...between you and me?"

I nodded. "I mean, I'm flattered by the compliment, but yes, Adam, that's exactly what I mean."

He stared at me for a few more moments. "You're lying," he stated.

I opened my mouth indignantly to reply, but Eve returned just at that moment. "Well, what did I miss?" she asked, smiling at us. 

***

Several days later I was fully moved into Eve's beautiful loft apartment and I must say she made me more welcomed than I could have ever hoped. It was like finding the big sister I never had. We got along famously. She even rocked with laughter when I told her about my response to Adam's invitation to go out for drinks.

"Good for you!" she said, nudging my shoulder with her own. "He needs to be set back on his heels once in a while."

"I did feel a little bad," I admitted. "Until he accused me of lying about our having no chemistry. Then I just felt..."

Eve raised her brow. "Exposed?"

Well," I laughed breathlessly, "most guys take the hint."

"Yeah. No, not Adam," Eve asserted. "It'll take a two-by-four for that!"

As the weeks passed, I began to appreciate just what hard work went into an hour long TV show and how Sharon, despite her friendly nature, was quite the perfectionist. Adam asked me out twice more and despite my repeated rejections and his obvious frustrations, he was the consummate professional when it came to his acting. In fact, I think he poured a lot of his frustrations with me into the scenes we shared. Since Pat and Angela fought a lot of the time, it was easy to see his true impatience coming out.

I really think at times he was forcing the whole "chemistry" issue. The truth was, however, it was already there in spades between us. But I was so determined to resist it and disrupt Adam Sackler's track record. Difficult? Yes! But also exciting as hell.

Pat (advancing on his sister): Would it fucking kill you to straighten up once in a while?

Angela: Would it hurt you to listen to me once in a while, Pat? I haven't exactly had an easy time of it!

Pat: Bullshit, Angela! You're just whining because Mom and Dad have cut you off without a penny and now you want to freeload off me. Well that's your fucking problem! Get a job or keep this place up. Because if you don't, I'll be the one fucking throwing you out!

(Pat begins to walk away)

Angela: No you won't.

Pat (rounding on Angela angrily): What?

Angela (approaches Pat looking smug): You can't throw me out, Pat. I found your little lab.

"Cut!" Sharon shouted. "Brilliant. Agnes, makeup touch-up on Julie's lipstick. She's rubbing her mouth with her sleeve." She looked at me pointedly.

"Sorry," I said sheepishly. "Adam spit on me during his tirade."

Agnes sniggered as she approached me with the lipstick wand. Adam, gulping down a bottled water, chose to ignore me. 

"Hey, Sharon! When do we get a lunch? I haven't eaten in seven days!" he shouted.

***

An hour later, the three of us, Adam, Eve, and myself were having lunch at a deli ten minutes from "Studio C". Actually Eve and I were the only ones eating since Adam had long since wolfed his down in a show of carnivorous frenzy that was equal parts fascinating and repelling to behold. He was in better humor now.

"So, Julie," he said sitting forward. "Tell me more about your plan."

I frowned in confusion. Swallowing a bite of my sandwich, I asked, "Plan?"

"Yeah, you know, what you were telling me about the other night." He began ticking items off on his fingers. "So you want to be a successful actress, then you meet someone, the two of you have chemistry, then what?"

I blushed and glanced at Eve but she merely propped her elbows on the table and rested her chin on her hands, watching me and Adam like we were her entertainment.

I took a long sip of my bottled water before replying, "Ah, well you know...the normal stuff." I shrugged. "I mean I love acting but I do want...other things too. Marriage and kids eventually, I hope." 

Eve lifted her eyebrows. "You're already looking that far ahead."

I was having too much fun. "Well after all, a person can't go on ad-libbing their way way through life, now can they?"

Eve looked at Adam. "Some do."

Adam speared her with his eyes. "Some have to," he retorted. He looked at me again. "So, successful actress, Mr. Right, marriage, kids..."

"Oh, not right away!" I clarified, biting back a laugh. "I mean, we'll be young and want to have lots of fun for the first couple years of our marriage...and New York's the place for that, right? I'll keep acting...and eventually the kids will come later."

Adam studied me closely, his eyes narrowed. "But not in New York."

"Not in the city, no," I answered looking him dead in the eye. "We'll move upstate for that."

Eve snorted with laughter. "Oh, boy," she murmured.

I continued as if there was nothing at all unusual about this conversation. "Oh, maybe the first one will be born here."

Adam leaned towards me, his eyes twinkling. "At what hospital?"

I rolled my eyes and slapped his arm. "You like making fun of me, Adam?" I asked. 

He burst out laughing and those words of his from the other night came back to me, haunting me. You're lying. "No," he said, biting his lip as if trying to contain his laughter. "I think you're cute. That's all."

I looked away quickly as my stomach did a funny flop inside me.

Eve suddenly stood up. "Well I'm almost late for an appointment. I'll catch you two back at the studio. Later!" She gave me wink and a grin. "Have fun with that," she said cryptically to Adam.

Adam watched her leave then reached into his pocket. "That reminds me, I may have found something for you." He pulled out his cell phone and showed me a listing for an apartment. "It's a third floor walk-up...I hope that's not a problem...but it's very convenient." He glanced at me as if gauging my reaction. "The super's a buddy of mine."

I was oddly touched. "Wow. Adam, that so nice of you." I suddenly felt bad for the way I'd been playing with him. Well, almost. I bit my lip and asked, "Can you text me the listing?"

"Sure," he said, obviously pleased that I was pleased. As he patiently typed in my number with his big thumbs he asked, "So how many do you think you'd like to have?"

I was still eating. I pushed my bite to the back of my mouth and mumbled, "How many what?"

"Kids."

Oh. I swallowed. "Oh, um, three."

He hit send. "Three," he stated.

I nodded, "Yup."

"You picked out their names yet?" he asked putting his phone away. Noting the look on my face he held up his hands. "No, I promise I'm not making fun of you!"

I sighed and held up my hand, letting it drop into my lap again. 

"Oh come on, Julie. Girl like you with her whole life mapped out has got to have thought of names for her kids!" he chided. "Here, I'll help you out...you have three. Two boys, and a girl. Now what's your daughter's name?"

We spent the next fifteen minutes coming up with names and shooting down each other's suggestions for the most bullshit reasons. 

He cringed. "Not Jessica, too close to Jessa."

I sensed a story there but I let that pass. "Jessica was my grandmother's name! Besides I already let you name the two boys after Thornton Wilder and Arthur Miller."

"Brilliant playwrights!" he exclaimed. "No, let's name our girl after a famous actress...how about.."

"Wait. You said 'our girl'. When did these become 'our' kids. I thought they were mine!" I said laughing.

"It's a creative exercise, Julie. Relax," he soothed. "Surely you did improv before?"

"Adam, that's not..." I began, then stopped. I shook my head. "Never mind. Look, I think I'm gonna swing by this apartment and take a look before I have to be back at the shoot." I stood up.

Adam stood as well. "Good. I'll go with you."

I held up a staying hand. "No, Adam, that's really not..."

He grabbed my hand and held it to his chest, dramatically. "No way is the mother of my three children walking the streets of Brooklyn alone!"

My eyes shot up to his, expecting to find the usual mockery there and was startled to find nothing but the most beautiful sincerity that brought to mind the old standards my grandmother used to play on her record player. His fingers began to slowly trace up and down the back of my hand. My lips parted and I suddenly knew what it felt like to have your heart skip a beat. I was having trouble getting enough oxygen into my lungs. Slowly, reluctantly I pulled my hand away from his chest and tried to clear my throat.

"OK," I finally croaked.


	4. Tea, Yes...You, Maybe

I was settling into a routine with my new job and new friends. They never treated me as if I were "the new kid" but as if I was their equal. Even Arthur Blunt. With the possible exception of Adam who insisted on continuously calling me "kid" for some inexplicable reason, but I think that was just to annoy me. On the way to look at the new apartment he had found for me, he asked me all about my childhood in Utica and what had made me want to be an actress in the first place. 

When I agreed to sign the lease on the new place, he couldn't hide his delight. You'd have thought he was the one signing the lease.

"You're one of us now, Julie!" he said as we left the super's office and he grabbed me up before I knew what was happening and had me in a fireman's hold. 

"Adam, you crazy idiot!" I screamed, half laughing. "Put me down!"

But he didn't. At least not until we got to the subway station. His boyish enthusiasm was infectious and exhausting. Even on set no female cast or crew member was safe from having the floor suddenly disappear out from under her feet when the notion took Adam. He could be disruptive at worst but when the cameras were rolling, he was the consummate professional.

We wrapped up the first episode of the second season of The Chemist and to celebrate, Arthur wanted us to all go out together to Bergoine's, a theater district restaurant. It was an old haunt of his, he explained, and he was feeling nostalgic. 

Eve smiled at him affectionately and leaned over to whisper to me, "He's probably going to do a monologue. Bergoine's has a pianist at night, but since it's a favorite of the theater set, they're used to impromptu performances." She looked speculatively at me. "Maybe you ought to try one yourself. It wouldn't hurt to get noticed." She saw my perplexed expression. "For when we wrap the season up this August," she clarified.

"Ah," I said, nodding, my heart suddenly in my throat. 

As we left the studio, I noticed we were missing our six foot three inch shadow. 

"Where's Adam?" I asked

Eve looked strained. "Oh he, uh, got a phone call and I gathered it was going to take him a minute." She smiled brightly at me. "But he'll be along later I'm sure."

"Oh". I nodded but couldn't resist throwing a glance over my shoulder as we descended the steps down to the subway.

***

Bergoine's had that old New York feel to it. It had apparently been around since 1898 and had been passed down through the generations of the same family. Black wrought iron chandeliers cast a warm glow over the small intimate tables and the sounds of Cole Porter poured from the piano in the corner. I stopped and smiled, breathing in the atmosphere. It was like stepping back in time. Eve tugged on my arm. 

"Gawk, later, Julie," she smirked.

We found out table where Arthur Blunt was holding court. He looked jovial and his cheeks were pink with laughter. He looked up at us as we approached and rose. He glanced past us.

"Don't tell me I have the good fortune of having you two beautiful ladies all to myself!" he exclaimed. "Where's our sultan?"

Eve smiled wryly. "Exorcising ghosts," she said cryptically.

I looked at her sharply but she ignored my look and continued talking.

"He'll be along shortly, I'm sure. It's nice to kick back for a bit, even if it is only for a few days. Julie here is a little in awe of your little haunt, Arthur." She winked at him.

Arthur beamed. "This wouldn't be most young people's scene."

"Well, my great-grandfather played with the Tommy Dorsey Orchestra so I do appreciate the standards."

Arthur resumed his seat after Eve and I had sat. "Really," he said leaning forward, "That's an interesting bio tidbit, isn't it, Eve?" He checked his watch. "Where did you say Adam was? I'm afraid he'll miss my monologue if he doesn't hurry." He looked at me. "Sharon's being magnanimous and giving us a few days break. Don't get used to it. When we come back it'll be a grueling schedule from here until August."

I smiled brightly as a waiter came over to take our drink orders. "I don't mind! I love hard work."

Eve giggled and Arthur roared with laughter. "Spoken like a true ingenue!" he said, patting my hand. "Don't worry...after this season Adam will have taught you a slew of new and wonderful words with which to express your disgust and frustration!"

Arthur order a bottle of wine for the table and then rose and went to the mic at the corner where the piano stood. The pianist played a short fanfare for him and he held up his hands at the polite applause. When he began his monologue, which was from a play he had done in his twenties, I listened avidly. Arthur Blunt was masterful, his musical voice capturing my imagination and I regretted never having seen him onstage. 

I picked up my wine and took a deep appreciative sip. I felt so fortunate...if a year ago, someone had told me I'd be sitting here with a Broadway legend, an Emmy-nominated actress, and my own lucrative contract, I'd have laughed. 

Applause broke out as Arthur's monologue concluded. He held up his hands in a show of modesty. "Friends, I have had the fortune of meeting and working this season with a remarkable young lady...a brand new talent..."

My face went hot. "Eve..." I began.

"She's going to really break out this fall..."

"Eve." I clutched at Eve's hand. "What's he doing?"

"And she also happens to be the great-granddaughter of the great Tommy Dorsey himself."

My mouth dropped and I closed my eyes as clapping broke out around me. "Eve!" I whispered in a high pitched voice. "I never said..."

Eve's shoulders were shaking with silent laughter. 

"Julie, come up here and sing one of your great-grandfather's hits for us!"

I groaned, my brows coming together as a splitting headache suddenly erupted behind my ears and shook my head. "Eve, don't make me go up there."

Eve took a swig of her wine, then held up her hands defenselessly. 

"Come, Julie," Arthur was saying. "Come up here..."

And there he was, taking my hand pulling me along to stand beside the piano...and to my finish off my embarrassment I saw that Adam had apparently come in during Arthur's speech and sat down at a smaller table on his own away from our group. He looked preoccupied and none too happy. Cell phone clutched in hand, he waved away the wine list when the server approached him, murmured something to her. She nodded and went off. I gulped. Then he looked up and caught my eye. Oh hell.

I looked away and behind me to the expectant pianists. "I, um..."

Arthur took over. "Play The Nearness of You," he told the player. He winked at me. "One of my favorites."

My heart jumped into my throat and I licked my lips nervously as the pianist began to play. Remembering what Eve had said about "getting noticed" I opened my mouth and started to warble. 

"It's not the pale moon that excites me

That thrills and delights me

Oh no, it's just the nearness of you..."

I could feel the heat flooding my cheeks but I finished the drill remembering my singing coach's words about projecting and using my hands to invoke emotion. Without really meaning to, I found Adam and noticed the crease between his brows had smoothed and he looked more relaxed, actually almost amused. I don't know why but it made me feel relieved. I didn't even let his ironic grin intimidate me. 

"I need no soft lights to enchant me 

If you'll only grant me the right 

To hold you ever so tight 

And to feel in the night the nearness of you"

As soon as I was finished, I smiled bowed my head in shamefaced acknowledgement of the kind applause. Arthur was beaming as I made my way back to our table. "Remind me never to give out any more interesting bio tidbits for you to twist," I said, shaking my head at him. 

He merely laughed and I picked up my wine glass and excused myself to say hello to Adam. 

His dark eyes followed my approach and he stood and smiled. "That was good. Sorry Arthur put you on the spot like that."

I laughed sitting down opposite him. "Thank you. And it was fine. I didn't mind the singing...I just wish he hadn't fudged on my relationship to Tommy Dorsey."

Adam grinned and said, "Arthur's a real bullshitter. You'll learn that." He reached for his teacup.

I giggled at how the cup was dwarfed in his large hands. "You're not a wine drinker?" I asked as I swirled the contents of my glass around and took a sip.

He looked almost shy. "I don't drink."

I swallowed and raised my eyebrows. "Oh. I'm sorry. I wouldn't have..."

"Oh no, no," he replied quickly. "I doesn't bother me if you do."

It felt as if a tiny splinter had just pierced my heart. There was another story there. What was this man doing to me? I shouldn't be having feelings but bit by bit he was making me crumble. His attention was briefly arrested when Eve and Arthur got up and did a comedic routine that had Eve bent over Arthur's lap laughing hysterically. I took the moment to stare at Adam unobserved and noticed he was still wearing the black tee shirt and gray jacket from his scenes this afternoon. His "professor" getup. I couldn't help but think how it suited him. And for once, since we had actually been filming, his hair was neatly combed. I swallowed hard and my eyes traveled down to his hand where it rested on the table near his teacup. 

Then, without warning he turned back to me, the residual smile from Eve and Arthur's antics still on his face. I shook my head slightly and tried to look as if I hadn't just been staring at him for the past thirty seconds. 

"Have you read the script for the next episode yet?" he asked.

I nodded. "I'm still trying to wrap my head around this guy they have Angela dating in the second episode." I wrinkled my nose. 

He was played by a handsome, pretty boy type named Matt Hemming. He had already made a few appearances in the show as a teacher's assistant. So at least my onscreen romance wouldn't be hard on the eyes or a novice. But the character in truth was kind of a jerk. Actually, I was a little excited. Matt was a graduate of Juilliard and a really fine up and coming actor. If only..."I just wish this character wasn't such a..."

"Douche?" Adam supplied.

I laughed, my eyes on the ground. "Yeah, I guess. What is Angela supposed to see in him?"

"That's a question for the writers, kid," Adam murmured. Then he grinned at me. "You sleep with him in episode four."

"Are you serious?" I cried, paling. Oh, wow. Obviously, I'd never done a sex scene and knowing our writers and director and the numerous sex scenes between Pat and his girlfriends it was sure to be just as graphic. I swallowed. "Well. Um, wow." I shrugged. "So, is the sex implied or...is it...?"

Adam, delighting in egging me on, began chanting in a childish sing-song voice, "Julie's gonna do her first nude scene..."

I slapped his arm. "What are you, ten?" I cried, unable to stop the grin that spread over my face. "But are you serious? And how come you know about this before I do?" I asked suspiciously.

He cackled in that annoying...and I had to admit, endearing...way of his. "Your face!" he laughed. "Have dinner with me tomorrow night."

I rolled my eyes "Nice segue, Adam, but no," I said, grinning. "I want to talk about this sex scene."

"Ok," he said. "We can talk about it over dinner tomorrow night."

I rolled my eyes. "Adam..."

His smile slipped a little and he looked slightly annoyed. "Jesus, Julie, this is not about chemistry. It's about work!"

I stared at him. Our eyes stayed locked for several seconds while I debated inwardly. Then I slowly began to nod. Maybe I was being ridiculous. 

"Fine, sultan," I murmured.


	5. Fangirling

The next morning I was taking the train to work and going over the script for the next show. As the train lurched to a halt at the next to last stop before mine, two young girls, fashionably dressed and incredibly beautiful stepped on and took the seat right across from me. The first one was incredibly tall and slender, with coffee-colored skin, cat-like eyes the color of warm honey and waist length braids. Her companion was also tall, but fair-skinned with gorgeous blond highlighted curls and startlingly blue eyes. Both looked to be no older than eighteen or nineteen. Models? I wondered. They were certainly pretty enough.

I was so absorbed in my reading it took me a moment to realize that the two girls were whispering and nudging each other while stealing glances at me every now and then. My brow furrowed, then I smiled. I could feel my cheeks begin to redden. Was I...recognized? Surely not. We were still filming and the pilot for this season was far from airing.

I glanced up at them and offered a friendly smile and a "Hi." before looking back down at the script.

"Ask her," I heard the girl with the braids whisper.

"No, you," replied her blond companion.

I glanced up again in time to see the first girl roll her exquisite eyes and then they both looked at me simultaneously with dazzling wide smiles.

The girl with the braids leaned forward. "Um, excuse me, but we were just wondering...I mean I feel stupid for asking, but I noticed the script your reading. Are you at all involved in The Chemist?"

Oh, shit. My smile slipped just a fraction, before I enlarged it quickly and dipped my head in assent. "Um," I said, glancing down at the script. "Yeah, but I can't really..."

The girls ignored my stuttered reply and turned to each other squealing.

"I knew it! I fucking knew it!"

"How amazing!"

"Adam Sackler is so fucking hot!"

They turned predatory eyes on me again. The blond one spoke. "So, what's it like working with Adam Sackler?"

Before I could answer, the braided one asked, "Does he have a girlfriend?"

My mouth opened and shut like a fish out of water as I tried to process the questions, wondering what the hell I should say. I shifted uncomfortably. "Well, I really couldn't say..."

"Are you guys, like, friends off the set?"

"Yeah, like do you get to hang out with him?"

I bit my lip. My agent had not prepared me for this. What was I supposed to say? "Um, yeah sometimes..."

"Oohh, ooh, what's he like to do? What does he drink?"

"What's his favorite music?"

"What's it like doing scenes with him?"

I shrugged, a little dazed. "Well, we..."

"What's it like when he touches you? I think I'd melt!"

My lips twitched. "Well, we don't really..."

"I'd give anything to do a love scene with him," said the highlighted one, her eyes glazing over.

Mercifully, the train lurched to a stop. I stood up, sighing in relief. "Well, this is me. Nice to have met you," I said brightly. "Thanks for being fans of the show!"

I stepped off onto the platform before they could pepper me with more questions. As the doors slid closed behind me, I swiped a hand across the imaginary sweat on my brow and, shaking my head, started for Studio C.

***

"Met a couple of your fans on the train this morning," I commented as I breezed into the studio and set down my bag next to Adam's.

Adam was drinking coffee and studying the script, his brow furrowed. "Oh yeah?"

I rolled my eyes and told him about the encounter. He just grinned. "Poor dears," he tsked.

I laughed turning away and going to join Agnes in hair and makeup.

I kept poor Agnes on her toes that day. We had to film a kiss scene between Angela and Jason, Matt Hemming's character. Which meant multiple takes and multiple makeup touch-ups. Two of the writers couldn't agree on who should initiate the kiss even though it had been written with Angela being the aggressor. We compromised by letting Jason initiate and Angela taking over. It was filmed in a tiny pub that had closed for a couple hours just for us. That was why each take counted. 

Sharon decided to wrap for the day. "I think you'll get it by next week," she said, patting my shoulder. "Everyone, enjoy your weekend...it's nose to the grindstone when we get back. No more breaks until September!"

Matt even gave me encouragement. "You did well," he said, smiling. His laughing blue eyes put me in mind of a younger Sam Heughan. "It's my first onscreen kiss too."

I guffawed. "You could have fooled me."

He had the decency to blush. "Thanks. But it's just all about being honest..."

"Julie!" Adam came jogging up, his white lab coat . His last scene had been in the lab and he still had his hair pulled back and a name badge that read Patrick McClure, Dpt. of Chemistry still on. "Don't forget dinner tonight. I'll pick you up at seven." With a pointed look at Matt, Adam apparently satisfied with having delivered two messages, turned on his heel and headed for his dressing room.

I hurriedly excused myself before Matt could formulate a reply.

Agnes was waiting with makeup remover. "I see you don't listen to good advice," she observed sourly.

"It's just dinner," I muttered, ignoring her skeptical gaze. 

***

Adam took me to a little Italian restaurant where he apparently knew the owner and had been coming for a long time. Although I still felt bad for it, I tried a glass of their latest vino at Adam's insistence. He again refrained from anything alcoholic. We talked about everything. I told him about all my supporting roles in the school plays and later after I graduated from the acting program at college I had high hopes for Broadway but each audition ended in disappointment.

"It was either no callback at all, or an offer for a small supporting role, chorus girl, or non-speaking," I laughed, looking down at my food. "In fact this..." I waved a hand between us..."job is a real dream come true."

Adam was smiling at me as I talked. He was in a jovial mood tonight. "I looked you up when they told me who was going to play the part of Angela."

My eyebrows shot up. "You did?"

"Yeah, I was curious. You know, you really need to update your resume. That photo of you looks like it's ten years old."

I laughed. "It does not!"

He was laughing too. "You look like you're fourteen!"

"I was twenty-two!" I cried indignantly.

He was full-on cackling at me now and I rolled my eyes and looked away from him in mock offense. "Well. I guess I should update it."

Then he told me about his first play, Major Barbara, and I thought I saw a shadow cross his face. It was gone in an instant. I suppose he was in a confessional mood because he started talking about his drinking problem as a teen, his participation in AA and suddenly all my petty troubles about being typecast went down the drain. 

"How long have you been sober?" I asked.

"Five years," he answered. "Would have been longer but I had a...moment a few years back. Now I'm a sponsor."

"Adam," I said, swallowing hard, "I think that's...amazing of you. I never would have guessed."

"I just can't believe some poor soul has me as a sponsor."

I stared at him. Then he began giggling at me and I joined in. His hand was resting on the table next to his plate and I almost reached out to touch him. My hand made a little jerky movement to do so and I stopped myself in the nick of time. I wasn't quite sure if that would be the right thing to do. Instead I forced myself to pick up my fork instead and the conversation drifted to lighter topics.

"Thank you for dinner, Adam," I said sincerely as he walked me home an hour later.

He looked down at me. "Thanks for coming out with me, kid," he replied. "I thought I'd never get you to break."

I punched him playfully in the arm. "Break? Me? Never," I said feeling slightly tipsy.

He laughed and reached for my hand and I let him.

I was looking down at my feet as we discussed the shoot that day. "I can't believe Sharon made me and Matt do that kiss over and over," I laughed.

Adam's lips twisted in an odd expression and his hand tightened slightly around mine. He shrugged. "A scene like that needs a lot of warmth. Sharon's just trying to get it right."

"Well, I mean it's not like one of your kissing scenes," I laughed. 

Adam stopped and looked at me. "What do you mean?"

I paused to look up at him. "I mean...look at those two girls on the subway today. Obviously they're big fans of yours. I'm sure they'd lots rather see you locking lips with Eve."

We had reached my building and I started up the stairs, Adam wordlessly ascending behind me. We got to my door and I turned, uncertainly.

Adam was staring at me in the semi-darkness of the hallway. "You were pretty awkward," he stated boldly.

My lips parted. I was not expecting criticism. "Awkward?" I asked. "You mean with Matt?"

He just nodded.

I made an irritated noise in the back of my throat. "Well, like we were saying...it's not like Angela's scenes are going to have people on the edge of their seat. If they get a..."

"No, no, Julie!" he said loudly. "It doesn't matter that you're not in the starring role! You can't throw a scene like that away." He advanced towards me, his tone sarcastic. "Because, unlike me and you, Angela and Jason do have chemistry. It's very natural between them. Only you're acting like a fucking Jane Austen heroine the moment he touches you."

My mouth was now open in shock. "Are you serious right now, Adam?" I asked, incredulous.

He just ran a hand through his beautiful dark hair and stared at me.

I shook my head in disbelief. "I can't believe you'd say..."

"If your brother finds out he'll kill me."

I frowned in confusion. "Excuse me?"

Adam took a step towards me. "You can do better, Julie. I know you have it in you...I said, "If your brother finds out he'll kill me." 

Ah. I started to reach for my script, then realized it was one of the few times I didn't have it with me. Of course I didn't. 

Adam waved the imaginary script away. "Forget the script, Julie. You know what to say."

I licked my lips and looked away for a seconds. blinking in confusion. Trying to find my character. Ok, there she is. I looked at Adam and began moving slowly, seductively towards him, rolling my hips. Placing a finger on his chest as improv, I drew a line from his sternum down to his navel and I saw something flicker in his eyes. He was drinking me in.

"What he doesn't know won't hurt him."

Adam waited a beat longer than Jason would have. When he spoke next, his voice deep and low as if modulated for my ears only.

"Angela...you're so beautiful."

Something clenched inside me and I almost didn't say the next line. Because I knew when I did, he'd take me at my word. 

"Jason, kiss me."


	6. Just A Kiss

We were so close now and...my eyes widened infinitesimally...Adam Sackler was very, very aroused. My eyelids fluttered and I tried to keep his face in focus. We were still rehearsing...right? His smoldering dark gaze fell from my eyes to my lips and the world disappeared.

Before I could process anything else, he was kissing me, those warm, soft plush lips feeling perfect against mine, as if they were made for me. A flood of warmth spread outward from my belly and I closed my eyes with an audible moan I could not control as he conspired to make a senseless wreck out of me with just this kiss.

Until it wasn't just a kiss anymore.

Dimly aware that we had long since passed the point where Jason should have broken off the kiss with Angela, I felt Adam shift against me. My hands which had been fluttering uselessly at my sides this whole time came up to clutch his hips, holding myself steady against him. I moaned again, softer this time. I knew the moment Adam lost it; his hands came up to hold my face, long fingers looping through my hair. I could feel his strong fingertips, all eight of them, pressing into the back of my skull, while his thumbs framed my jawline, effectively trapping me. But it didn't matter, I didn't want to go anywhere anyway.

I parted my lips in response to the silent but unmistakable request he made, and he took advantage of the willing passage I gave him by deepening the kiss. The feel of his tongue sliding against mine cause my synapses to short out. I tried to keep up, to give as good as I got but he was too quick, too hungry, like I was a banquet and he was a starving man. Which was absurd. Except...

One of his hands left its post at my face and he reached down to slide his huge arm around my hips, just below my ass. He pulled me up against him with a grunt, lifting my feet up off the floor. Desire became a blossoming physical presence that spread through my abdomen, almost painfully, as I instinctively wrapped my legs around him. He slammed me up against my door, nipping viciously at my lower lip and I knew his next move would be to have me horizontal somewhere inside my apartment.

Reality kicked in like a douse of ice, cold water. I pushed at him and tore my lips from his. My feet hit the floor.

Adam let me go abruptly and with a last, brief, lingering glance at me, turned away and muttered something under his breath. It sounded like an apology.

I was breathless. I pressed the back of my hand to my lips where moments before Adam had been consuming me. I could still feel the imprint of his lips there, and his fingers on the back of my head. I couldn't look at him.

I took a ragged breath. "That's..." Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his head turn towards me as I spoke. But I couldn't meet his eyes. "That's not how Jason kisses Angela," I said stupidly.

He sighed and put his hands on his hips. "Yeah, I know." He raked a hand through his hair. "Sorry, kid."

I fumbled with my key for several seconds. "I, um...would invite you in...but..."

He paused midway through running his fingers through his hair, a gesture I was becoming used to and which I understood had various meanings.

"No, no, no," he said quickly, "it's fine. I understand."

I didn't want him to have the wrong idea. "It's just that I don't have much...I mean I don't have anything to sit on yet, just my bed, and ah...uh..." My cheeks flushed.

He laughed softly at my discomfiture and shushed me up by rushing to my side and planted a soft kiss on my babbling lips. "Sweet dreams, kid," he murmured softly. "See you next week."

I watched him hurry away and jog swiftly down the third flight of steps until he disappeared from sight. I unlocked my door and went in to my very empty, very lonely apartment.

It was no use trying to go over my lines. I was far too distracted for that. Besides, now every time I read that kiss, it was Adam, not Matt, I pictured. Oh God, what had I done? So much for being professional. This was my first big breakout job...I was not going to screw it up. Not for a pair of pretty bedroom eyes! Just thinking about those eyes now though...

Fuck it!

I showered under tepid water, brushed my teeth and crawled shivering into bed. Tossing and turning for the first half hour, then lying perfectly still staring up at the ceiling for the next. Unbidden thoughts kept coming into my brain...Adam standing in my bedroom doorway, Adam leaning over me in the bed, Adam taking my face in his hands and kissing me again. Adam's body pressing against mine. I groaned and tossed one of my pillows to the floor.

This wasn't going away. In sheer desperation, I reached down and slipped my hand into my panties. Shocked at how wet I was, I frantically began working my sex with quick, familiar strokes designed to get me to my goal as quickly as possible. As the pressure built inside me, I closed my eyes. I imagined Adam's hands instead...his fingers rubbing and stroking. I slid two fingers inside me, jerking myself with abandon. My mouth fell open, my frantic breaths filled the silent, lonely bedroom.

I cried out softly as I came. "Adam..."

I eased myself down from my orgasm, teasing aftershocks from my body as pleasure fogged my mind and my eyelids drooped. I let out one last, long sigh before I dropped off into oblivion.

"Adam..."

***

The next morning, I heard the buzz of someone wanting to be let in. "Who is it?" I asked groggily.

"It's Eve Gardiner," came the chirpy voice. "Let me in!"

I had not had my first cup of coffee yet and my head was still buzzing from the wine and the confusion of Adam's kiss last night. What could Eve possibly want at this time of morning. I buzzed her in and she breezed inside my apartment with two steaming cups of takeout coffee and a paper bag.

"Ta-da!" she sang. "Where is he?"

I frowned at her. "Where is who?"

She tilted her head and looked at me slyly. "Now, don't play coy, Julie! The Sultan! Or didn't the two of you go out last night?"

I made a noise of annoyance and crossed my arms. "Yes, we went out last night but he didn't stay the night!"

Eve winked at me. "Good girl!"

I rolled my eyes. "He was a perfect gentleman for your information," I murmured. My mind went back to that kiss. "He even helped me with a scene of mine."

Oops. I had said too much. Eve's eyes gleamed with interest. "Oh, which scene?" she asked teasingly, handing me a coffee. 

We sat cross-legged on the floor of what would be my living room.

I took it gratefully and too a long, deep sip. "The one that was giving me so much trouble."

Eve raised her eyebrows. "The scene with Matt?" she asked, pulling a pastry out of the paper bag. She handed the bag to me.

I nodded, my eyes lighting up at the sight of the freshly baked croissants. 

Eve looked at me speculatively as he tore of a piece of her croissant and slowly put it in her mouth. "Interesting approach, Adam," she drawled.

I giggled. "Well you know how he is. He gets very passionate about the art; I kind of like that about him."

"Yes, but to go to such lengths just to kiss you..."

"Well, I don't think that's how it started out," I protested. 

Eve looked a little pityingly at me. "You have a good head on your shoulders, Julie. I think you have the right idea, not getting involved with someone during your first real big break. Put acting first for a few years. You're what, twenty-six?" At my nod, she continued. "You'll meet your Mr. Right and have your three kids. In the meantime, just have fun!" She threw her hands up like she was throwing confetti. "You can even have some of that fun with Adam, if you want to. Just don't get too serious."

I frowned and scooted a little closer to Eve. "Why not get serious with Adam?"

Eve was nonchalant about it. "Because," she explained patiently, "he won't return the favor." Trust me. There was a time when I think he wanted all those things you want...you know, a home and kids...but he just got mixed up with the wrong girls, they fucked him up, and now this new-found fame is kind of affecting him a little."

I stared at her. "How long have you known Adam?"

Eve took a deep breath, her eyes faraway as she looked up at the ceiling. "Since Major Barbara. I was involved with one of the producers and had a bit role. He had his first bad breakup then with Hannah. After she went off to some college thing in the Midwest, he got involved with this artsy bitch who was basically an ice goddess who didn't need him as much as he needed her." She sighed shaking her head. "Then came Jessa." She smiled wryly at me. "Not even worth discussing, since she was Hannah's best friend. Yeah," she said seeing my expression. "Adam can pick them."

"Sounds like," I murmured.

"Now he has groupies, he gets recognized on the subway," she went on. "It's a new and heady thing for him. Well me too but I don't have to deal with it nearly as much as Adam. So I guess he just enjoys his flings. He certainly did with Agnes's younger sister."

My mouth dropped. "So that explains it!" I gasped.

Eve was giggling. "Yup! So listen, the real reason I came over was to help you get this place into shape. I thought maybe we could go do some shopping. Get you a few crates and boxes to sit on!"

I laughed. "I see your point..."

At that precise moment, my phone began buzzing frantically. I picked it up and looked at the caller ID. Then I looked at Eve; I didn't even need to tell her. She knew. 

I answered it. "Hi, Adam." I hoped my voice didn't sound as shaky as it felt. 

After some niceties, Adam said what he called to say. And I lowered the phone to my shoulder and looked at Eve.

"He wants me to go upstate with him," I told her.

She shook her head frantically. "Tell him no! Too soon!"

"No?" I asked, my heart sinking.

"Unless you want it to be curtains on all your fun," she said, matter of factly. 

I huffed in disappointment. I wasn't sure this was even a game to me anymore. I felt I had gotten to know Adam over the last couple weeks and I'd definitely be devastated if one ill-advised trip up north brought it all to a crashing halt.

Reluctantly I raised the phone back to my ear. "Um, Adam? No, I'm sorry but I can't this weekend..."

Suddenly Eve touched my arm. "Say yes."

"I...wait, what?" I looked at her in confusion. "Hold on, Adam." I placed the phone against my shoulder again. "What?"

She nodded, a conspiratorial smile curving her lips. "Yes. Tell him you'll go."

"I'll go?" I shook my head. "But you just told me..."

"I know. But trust me on this. Tell him you'll go."

Eve sat back, thoughtfully chewing her thumb nail and looking evil.

"O...okay," I murmured bring the phone back up to my ear. "Um, Adam. Actually, I've changed my mind. I'd love to go with you this weekend." I glanced at Eve. He's really happy, I mouthed to her. "Ok! Sounds great, see you then." I hit end and glared at Eve. "Now, what's that all about?"

Eve giggled and winked at me. "This will be one upstate trip Adam will never forget."


	7. Upstate Girl

I heard the thrum of the car engine before I saw it. Then, moments later, careening around the corner as if he was afraid I'd change my mind, Adam Sackler wearing sunglasses, his beautiful hair whipping in the wind, in a black convertible came roaring up. Even before he came to a stop outside my apartment building, I could see the smile on his face as he no doubt anticipated the long weekend ahead of us.

It made me feel very, very, guilty about what we were doing.

Eve stood next to me, her overnight bag in hand and looked positively cool, calm, and collected as if manipulating her old friends was a common occurrence.

Adam shifted the car into park and leaped out. He was still smiling as he came to take my bag.

"Julie," he said, his dimples deepening with pleasure. "You didn't change your mind?"

Then he noticed Eve for the first time and his smile slipped a little.

"Eve," he acknowledged, then looked down at her bag. "Are you going somewhere for the weekend too?"

Eve grinned. "Upstate," she said breezily.

Adam's gaze shifted from me to Eve and back again. "Upstate?" he repeated slowly.

Eve explained, "Well when Julie told me about your kind invitation, I remembered all those times you had invited me up to see your cabin and I never did. So...here I am. Two for the price of one, how about that, Adam?" She had the audacity then to nudge him playfully in the ribs.

Adam reached up and slowly pulled his sunglasses off, glaring at Eve. "Are you serious, Eve?" he whispered, so low I almost missed.

Eve gave one of her theatrical little shrugs. "Of course, I am!" She flung her bag into the miniscule backseat of the convertible. "Now don't worry about me, Adam. You just see to Julie's bag. I can fend for myself."

With that, Eve nimbly hopped over the side of the car and folded her long, slim legs up into the tiny backseat. Adam stared at her bewildered. I noticed a telltale little twitch under his right eye. I shifted.

Suddenly he turned to me, replacing his sunglasses. His whole demeanor changed as if he was slipping into the comfortable mantle of his TV character. "Oh sure! Sure, sure...the more the merrier," he forced a smile. But even beneath the glasses I caught the reproach there.

I bit my lip guiltily as Adam took my bag and deposited it behind his seat, narrowly missing Eve's feet. She stuck her tongue out at his back when he turned to open the door for me.

I looked up at him apologetically, but the hint of amusement mingled with annoyance I saw in the set of his lips made me look down and away from him. I put on my seatbelt as he slid into the driver's seat beside me.

"All set back there, Eve?" he asked with an edge to his voice.

"Yup, all good Ada..."

Before she could get the rest of her sentence out, Adam had thrown the car into gear and pressed the accelerator, throwing Eve back against her seat as the sleek machine lunged forward and we roared out of the city. I could not swear to it, because the roar of the car's engine made it impossible, but I thought I heard Eve giggling behind me.

The scenery passed in a blur, but I think halfway there, Adam had resigned himself to our little trick because he reached for my hand after a couple hours on the Taconic State Parkway. I glanced up at him as he took it and saw him biting his lip and trying to control his laughter, though he never took his eyes from the road. I grinned as a wellspring of pleasure flooded my insides at the just the feel of that huge hand clasping mine.

Three hours and a seemingly endless drive through uninhabited forest, we finally pulled up to an actual log cabin tucked away in a beautiful copse of pines, birches, and aspens. I gaped as Adam opened my door for me and I got out, instinctively stretching from the long car ride.

"Adam, this is beautiful...it looks like a set from Last of the Mohicans!"

Adam chuckled. "I was thinking of pulling that down one day and building a new, modern cabin..."

I gasped and turned to look at him. "Don't you dare!" I cried. "It's perfect."

Eve climbed out of the back, with her bag and observed wryly, "Complete with bears and bobcats, right Adam?" She tugged her bag out with her.

Adam gave her a withering look. "Yeah, one big fat one who's favorite meal is mouthy blondes."

Eve grinned and gave him a mock salute. "Touche, sultan," she said in amusement. "Maybe Daniel Day Lewis will come down out of the mountains in his Hawkeye getup and kidnap me..." She was walking towards the cabin as she talked, leaving Adam and me alone.

I was sheepish as Adam retrieved our bags from the car. I tried to reach for mine, but he wouldn't have it.

"I got it," he said.

His voice was neutral, and it was impossible to gauge his mood.

"Adam," I said carefully. "I...I'm sorry. It was...just a joke."

He frowned down at me as if I were a puzzle. "Did you really think you needed a chaperone, Julie?"

I started to shake my head. "Adam, I...no, that's not what...I don't think that at all. I..." I was suddenly at a loss for words. I felt so small. I peeked up at him. "I'll make it up to you. I promise."

Adam's eyes wandered up and down my body. Suddenly he transferred both bags to one hand and with a feral growl, he was bending at the knees, grabbing me around the legs and throwing me over his shoulder.

"Adam!" I screamed. "Shit...!"

"Yeah, you'll make it up to me, Ms. Dorsey!" he laughed happily, jogging with me and our bags to the cabin.

I was shrieking and laughing hysterically the whole time.

When we reached the front door, we could hear Eve inside arguing with someone over the phone. She was marching up and down the rustic kitchen area, her cheeks flushed with pink. Adam carried me away from Eve and her drama and straight back to the bedroom.

He threw me down onto the bed where I bounced a few times. Adam dropped our bags on the floor before leaning down to cage me between his muscular forearms and take my lips in an unexpected kiss. I moaned in appreciation and reached up to steady myself, grabbing hold of his biceps.

The sound of Eve's argument penetrated the fog in my brain. I broke off the kiss and muttered against Adam's lips. "Eve..."

"Fuck Eve," he said, capturing my mouth again with a very wet, very open-mouthed kiss that made the room disappear and stole my breath away. I pulled on his shirt and scooted back on the bed a little. "Should have left her in Brooklyn," he murmured between kisses.

I giggled as his hand caressed the front of my shirt and the bed dipped as he pressed a knee into the mattress, crawling up to join me on the bed. His hand traveled down to the button of my shorts and he deftly slipped it free. I put a staying hand on his chest and leaned back away from him.

"Cut, Mr. Sackler," I teased in a prim voice. "I think there's just a bit too much detail in your performance."

His hand hooked into my waistband and he teasingly ran his fingers along the bare strip of my abdomen he had exposed. "You know..." he lowered his head to my stomach..."I strive for authenticity"...he kissed my navel..."in all my performances, Ms. Dorsey."

I threw my head back and laughed. "I will never live that down, will I?"

He nipped at my belly and hummed in agreement when we heard an irritated noise from the kitchen.

"Damn reception!" came Eve's frustrated voice.

Adam turned his head and yelled over his shoulder, "Then you should have fucking stayed in Brooklyn!"

I slapped his arm. "Stop it!"

Adam growled in annoyance and buried his face in my groin. "Why did you do this to me, Julie?" he moaned.

I pushed him upright. "Come on, I'm famished. You promised you'd cook me dinner."

Later that evening after Adam and I stood outside on the porch watching the gathering dusk. Inside we could hear Eve on another phone. Apparently, the reception had improved enough for her to have a whispered conversation with some mysterious person. Adam had remained civil towards her for the most part but still couldn't hid his annoyance at not having me to himself this weekend.

"You were right," I said leaning against the railing. "It is peaceful up here."

He turned to me with a wolfish smile and came closer. Reaching out for me in the semi-darkness, he encircled my waist with one arm. "Didn't you say something to me earlier about making it up to me?"

"Uh-huh," I said deftly slipping out of his embrace. "But there was something else I never told you about me that night we were talking about my girlhood back in Utica."

Not missing a beat, Adam stalked me as I backed away from him. "What's that?" he asked, his voice low and husky. His bedroom voice.

I swallowed hard before I grabbed the rail of the porch with both hands. "I wasn't all about the arts in school. I also..." I leaped over the rail and took off running towards the woods. "...took track!"

"Oh, you're gonna pay for this, Julie!" I heard him shout.

I had a good head start but I could hear him take off after me. I didn't dare look behind me, though, the thrill of the chase and the opportunity to make him work for what he wanted filling me with exhilaration. I leaped over rocks and tree roots, conscious that he was only a few feet behind, gaining with those long legs, and that I'd have to find a hiding place if I didn't want this chase to be at an end soon.

Holding back a giggle, I slipped into a particularly thick stand of beeches and held my breath as I settled into the vee of one rather old and strong looking tree. It concealed me perfectly, but I wasn't counting on an attack from the rear.

Just as I got comfortable, a warm breath tickled my ear. "Found you," said that deep voice behind me.

I screeched as a pair of strong arms grabbed me from behind and dragged me back against a solid chest that was vibrating with laughter. I continued to scream and kick, barely able to control my own laughter as Adam turned me around and pinned me up against the tree. At least I wouldn't make it easy for him.

But then he was kissing me, and those hands were wandering down my sides and grabbing my hips and pulling them tight into his own. I moaned softly under his assault as one of his hands traveled back up and into my hair, releasing it from the braid I had worn since this morning. I groaned in protest but soon forgot about that as his long fingers combed through the dark waves, pulling and twisting them, before sliding back up to caress my scalp.

I shivered as his lips moved down my throat, then before I realized what he was doing, he sucked the tender flesh between his teeth and had marked me.

"Adam!" I cried in dismay. "Agnes will have a cow..."

"Fuck Agnes," he said his voice muffled by my flesh. His standard answer. His hands were busy at my waist.

I was a weak-kneed mess as he unbuttoned my shorts and pulled the zipper down. I didn't even pretend to not want him to. When the backs of his fingers brushed my bare flesh, I nearly lost it. Grabbing his shoulders for leverage I began talking, the one thing I knew would slow him down. "Last night after you left, I...got myself off. Thinking about you."

He did stop and I could feel him staring at me in the rapidly falling darkness. "You did?" he asked huskily, his fingers definitely slowing down. Oh, he wanted to hear this. "What did you think about?"

I took a deep breath. "About that kiss...and..."

I felt his lips ghosting over my throat again. "And...?" he murmured.

His hand was taking its sweet time now, tracing the waist of my panties, fingers dipping ever so slowly down, down towards where I needed them but keeping just out of reach. I made a little mewl of frustration.

"Tell me, Julie," he whispered.

"Your hands," I whispered breathlessly. "All over me. But mostly..."

"What?" he murmured low in my ear. His was rolling my earlobe between his teeth.

I moaned, "Your mouth...on me. Everywhere."

His hand had reached its goal and my mind was whiting out. I parted my thighs as best I could with my shorts and underwear still on, while those sinfully long fingers found the core of me and sank knuckle-deep into the wet evidence of my arousal. I was still holding onto his shoulders, my knees threatening to buckle.

"Adam," I moaned. "You need to..." I couldn't think, I could only let my head fall back against the trunk of the tree. "I need you to make me come, Adam," I burst out all at once.

His fingers slipped deeper into me. "I could do that easily, right now, Julie," he said silkily. "You're almost there aren't you?" He drew a finger up and over my clit. "All it would take is a little more..."

"No!" I burst out.

"No?" His voice sounded strained as his fingers stopped moving.

"No, Adam, please...this...it's too big...too much. I don't want..." But how could I explain it to him? That I didn't want this to be just another masturbatory foray, successful but ultimately not earth shattering? I shook my head in frustration.

Then before I knew what was happening, Adam released me and knelt down, the top of his head bumping my breast as he pulled my shorts and panties down around my ankles. He carefully lifted my foot free of my clothes and draped my leg over his shoulder. Only now did I become aware of what was happening. My belly clenched. I had never had a guy go down on me before.

Adam was kissing the inside of my thigh, his beard tickling my sensitive skin, stealing all my coherent thoughts. I reached up above my head and grasped the tree trunk behind me to brace myself. Adam moved against me again and I felt his silky hair brushing my inner thighs, and...fuck...his warm breath at my center.

And then, he was pressing his open mouth to me. He ran the fingers of one hand up and down, over my bottom and the back of my thighs. Then he used his tongue. It felt indescribable, as if he was licking away all my sexual tension, all the inhibitions that were left inside me, leaving just warmth...wet, wonderful warmth. A tiny surge of pleasure rippled through me, and I moaned.

As if he was waiting for that, Adam shifted again and I felt gentle pressure once more at my entrance, then one long finger slid inside me. I gasped and tightened involuntarily.

He hummed against me and, oh Christ, that voice, not just heard now but felt against my pussy. The surge washed over me again. These little waves of pleasure were slowly and surely pushing me towards that earth shattering completion I had longed for. Beyond shame, I pushed myself greedily into his face. Then he moved his mouth against me harder and sucked, a second finger joining the first inside me. And my rational thought fragmented.

I moaned and shook and convulsed against his clever fingers, his mouth. Just as I had imagined them last night. He was sucking on my clit and moving his fingers in time with the waves of orgasm that welled up effortlessly inside me. I reached down and clutched his hair with my hand.

"Oh...Adam..." I moaned.

The strength of those waves didn't seem to want to fade but already I could feel my mind drifting away. And yet, I'd never been more aware of my body in my life. I felt Adam surge hard against me, fingers and mouth grasping at me, then I heard a stifled moan that set off a muted twinge inside me. I seemed to fall into darkness, slumping against the tree as I drifted away to the surreal feeling of him suckling at me as softly as a kitten.


	8. Bad Girl

I was dimly aware that I had been scooped up and was being unceremoniously carried back through the woods to the cabin. Night had completely fallen but Adam seemed to know where he was going. I was content to be gently bounced against his shoulder like a helpless baby.

When we entered the house, I blinked in the sudden light and reached up drowsily to push my messy hair back away from my face. I could hear the shower running somewhere in the house. Adam carried me down the hall towards the bedroom but stopped outside a closed door from beneath which steam could be seen seeping.

He kicked the door with his boot, giving me a mischievous grin. "Hey! Don't use up all the hot water!"

I could hear Eve's muffled reply, "Fuck off, Adam."

I put a hand to my mouth to stifle my giggles while Adam continued into the bedroom with me where he promptly threw me on the bed. He caught my face in his hands and kissed me, long and lingeringly. My cheeks burned as I tasted myself on his lips and tongue. I felt a warm wave in my lower belly and the embers of arousal stirring up into a tiny flame. Good God! How could this not be out of my system yet?

I reached up and grabbed his head in kind and looped my fingers through his hair kissing him back as wildly and passionately as he was kissing me. Something had snapped in my brain...for once the warning bells were silenced and I felt like I had swallowed a shot of tequila too quickly and liquid fire was spreading throughout my belly. I had never felt so turned on before.

Adam abruptly pulled away from me and I made a frustrated noise between a sigh and a whine. But he merely used the break from kissing to begin lifting my tee shirt up and planting fiery little kisses along my bare skin. As he worked his way up, I leaned up on my elbows to watch him. It was quite possibly the most erotic thing I had ever seen in my entire life and I didn't even pretend to think it over when he pulled the shirt off over my head.

"Shower's free!" Eve called on her way to the living room.

Adam raised his head from where he was kissing me through my bra and backed off the bed. Heaving me over his shoulder with a growl he carried me out into the hallway.

"Good! This girl is nasty, she needs a bath!"

"Adam!" I cried smacking his ass.

He deposited me in the still-damp shower and turned on the water. I screeched. I still had on my bra and my shorts. Adam gleefully took the shower head off and began spraying me with it.

"She's been having dirty thoughts, and dirty fantasies..."

I screamed with laughter. "Adam, you crazy man!" I tried to shield my face from the onslaught.

He lowered his voice so only I could hear him above the shower. "Playing with her pussy while she thinks about her co-star..."

I shrieked with laughter and slapped at his arm, never having heard him talk like this before. "Adam, the water's cold, you maniac!"

He paused and looked down at the shower head in his hand. "Fucking Eve!" he roared. "Never mind, I'll warm you up."

He replaced the shower head and proceeded to strip. He peeled off his shirt, then toed his boots off with a singularity of purpose, his eyes intense and on me the entire time. I swallowed hard as he shucked off his jeans and joined me in the shower without batting an eye. My own eyes drank in the sight of him hungrily...and, fucking hell, I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised to find that being a big man, he was big in all areas.

"Jesus," I murmured, and he laughed at me.

But I didn't have time to think about that. He reached for my bra.

"I can do it!" I protested, suddenly shy.

Adam growled, "I wanna unwrap you. Like a present." He popped open the hooks and pulled the flimsy white scrap off in one fluid motion. When I crossed my arms over my breasts, he took my hands. "No, no, don't do that, Julie."

His voice could melt me. He held my hands at my sides while he kissed my collarbone and my breasts, growing more and more ravenous, gently biting my nipples making me suck in my breath sharply. His wet head brushed the underside of my breasts as he bent to strip the rest of my clothes off and my soaked shorts joined his clothes on the floor with a wet plop.

Then he was suddenly all business. I had half expected him to try to fuck me in the shower and I was going over the logistics in my head when he turned me so that my back was to his chest. He insisted on washing my hair first. He took his time, running long fingers through my nearly black tresses and massaging my scalp with the shampoo. He took more time with it than I did.

"I like your natural color," he was murmured as he rubbed gentle circles in my head that were quickly putting me in a trance.

"Mmmm?"

"Maybe we can convince the producers to let Angela go lighter for next season..."

I huffed in amusement, my eyes closed, reveling in what his large hands were doing to me. "If I'm signed for a second season," I murmured.

He was silent for a long moment, his fingers continuing to work their black magic on my scalp and in my hair. I thought he hadn't heard me. Then, "You will be."

I opened my eyes at the assurance in his voice. But he didn't give me any time to ponder that for the next thing he was turning me to face him and rinsing my hair with tireless patience. By the time we were finished, we were both shivering from the cold water and anticipation. Adam wrapped me in a towel and insisted on drying me off in the bedroom, taking his usual time and attention to detail. He laid me out on the bed and his lips kissed every inch of skin as he dried me and true to his word, he did warm me up.

"You are the softest girl," I heard Adam say huskily against my skin. Then he said no more.

I glanced down to find him sound asleep on my abdomen. "Adam," I whispered. "Adam?"

He moaned something in his sleep and his arms tightened around my middle. I sighed. I couldn't sleep like this. I wriggled out from under him and tiptoed to my bag where I retrieved a pair of sleep shorts and a camisole. Slipping into them I hurriedly got back into bed and cuddled up next to Adam's huge form. 

"What the fuck, Adam?" I muttered to myself in amusement.

Adam shifted drowsily and I marveled at how his arms found me even in sleep. He dragged me closer to him and held me against him as if I were no more substantial than a rag doll. He buried his lips against the crook of my neck, his warm breath and beard tickling my skin. I reached down on an impulse and found his cock semi-hard and as sizable as I remembered from earlier. I slowly stroked down his shaft, knowing I was on dangerous ground as I felt his length harden in my hand. I smiled and my lower abdomen fluttered pleasantly at the feel of him in my grasp.

Adam drew in a deep breath through his nose and reached down for my hand. "Bad girl," he murmured sleepily. He brought my hand to his lips and kissed my knuckles.

I let out a soft giggle. He placed my hand on his chest over his heart and nuzzled his face deeper into my neck, seeming to drift off to sleep again.

Hmmm, I thought. That was odd. But I was content to let him hold me and be slowly lulled to sleep by the rhythm of his chest rising and falling.

***

I awoke the next morning to the sounds of heated arguing. I reached drowsily for Adam but found his side of the bed cold and empty. Then the words that were being exchanged outside in the living room penetrated my sleep fogged brain, horribly. 

Adam's deep voice was harsh in its staccato. "...why you felt you had to tag along."

Eve's voice was saying, "Well...I just don't see why you have to work your shit on that girl. She's a kid, Adam!"

"Oh, come on, Eve, she's fucking twenty-seven!"

"She's twenty-six, asshole!"

"And your point?"

"My point is she's a nice kid just starting out in this business and you'll fuck her up. Just like you fucked up all those other girls..."

"Oh, that's bullshit, and you know it, Eve!"

"Is it, Adam? Is it really?"

I heard a loud thump like somebody had slammed something down heavily. "You're un-fucking-believable, Eve, you know that? You fucking invite yourself up here like some goddamn Victorian chaperone, but you can't leave your phone alone long enough to know whether I'm off fucking the shit out of your little charge or not!"

"You know, you're repulsive!" Eve retorted.

Adam was on a roll now, apparently. "You wanna lecture me on what's repulsive, Eve? I'm not the one fucking a married man while my fiancé is off in India directing a movie! Someone should tell the guy what a slut his wife-to-be is!"

Silence. 

When Eve spoke next, I could hear tears in her voice. "That's a low fucking blow, Adam and you know it."

"Yeah?" Adam rejoined savagely. "Kind of like the blow you and Arthur are dealing his poor wife?"

Eve was crying. "I hate your fucking guts, Adam Sackler."

"The feeling's fucking mutual."

The vitriol in Adam's voice shocked me. My eyes flew to my image in the mirror above the dresser and I was not startled to see the red splotches of embarrassment staining my cheeks. 

What the fuck had I stumbled into?


	9. Make Up...Or Else

Enough. I opened the bedroom door and made sure to slam it hard as I exited. I wandered into the living where Eve was sitting on the sofa staring at her phone with a distracted air and Adam was rattling around in the kitchen area just off the living room. The smell of coffee distracted me for a millisecond. God, I needed some of that. But first....

"Hey," I said, coming into the living room.

They both turned to look at me as if I had wandered onto the set of their movie before my cue. I glanced back and forth between the two of them as I slowly advanced into the room.

"Um, I used to get that look," I said, "from my mom right before I was about to get punished."

Eve got up with a sigh. "I seem to be getting in the way..."

Adam snorted slamming a mug down on the counter. "You think?"

"Eve," I said, shaking my head at Adam. "That's...that's not true."

She ignored me and walked out onto the porch. I looked at Adam. He stared at me, his lips thinned unhappily, his chest heaving in anger. I rolled my eyes and strode after Eve, Adam cursing under his breath behind me.

I found her sitting on the wooden bench that looked out into the dense woods where Adam and I had our rendezvous last night. I slowly sank down next her, and she looked over at me wryly. She reached into her bathrobe pocket and withdrew a pack of cigarettes.

"You don't mind, do you?" she asked.

I shook my head.

She lit up and blew her first puff of smoke out in a long sigh. "Adam doesn't know jack shit," she said shakily. "He has no idea what he's talking about."

"Eve," I said awkwardly, "I know this none of my business..."

She sighed, another billow of white smoke following the first. "Well, the cat's out of the bag although I don't know how the hell he found out about it." She tapped the ash from her cigarette and looked at me. "I am sleeping with Arthur Blunt."

I did not know what to say so I merely blinked and nodded. "O..okay."

She smiled at me softly. "Yes, he's married. And yes, I was engaged to Erik. But...what Adam doesn't know is, Erik came out to me two months ago." She paused and let me process this information. "It's been over between us for a while." She took a deep breath. "As for me and Arthur...well, I'm not justifying it, but we're both lonely and...we just needed someone."

I felt naïve and silly for asking my next question, but I did anyway. "But what about...what about his wife?"

Eve was staring off into the woods, her lips curled into an ironic smile. "His wife," she whispered. Her eyes looked sad and her mouth twisted. "His wife..." She looked at me. "...is schizophrenic. Like the really bad kind...she tried to kill Arthur. He had to put her in a...special home where she could be looked after. He visits her all the time. But he can't divorce her because..." Eve threw her hand in the air and let it fall to her lap. "...how would that look, you know?" Her eyes were starting to glisten with tears again. "It's just...a mess."

I put a comforting hand on Eve's arm. "Eve, I'm...so sorry," I whispered.

She sniffed. "It started out innocently. He was like a father figure to me, but...I don't know. He's just so classy. He knows how to treat a lady and I wasn't used to that. I know he's too old for me, but I just...fell so, fucking hard!" She broke down and began crying in earnest.

I put my arm around Eve's heaving shoulders and rubbed her back. "God, Eve, I'm so sorry. I don't...I just don't know what to say."

She laughed bitterly though her tears. "He's up there with her now," she said wretchedly. "I know it's his...duty. It just hurts. That's why I thought coming here with you and Adam would be such a lark. You know, digging at Adam keeps me sane. He's like the brother I never had." She rolled her eyes and looked toward the cabin door with disdain. "I can't believe he was such a dick to me while ago!"

I continued to rub her back. "I don't think he meant what he said, Eve. I mean, yes, he was a dick but, like you said, he doesn't know the full story. About Erik or about Arthur and you. If you just told him..."

"No fucking way!" Eve muttered, crushing out her cigarette. "It's none of his business."

"Eve," I began.

"No," she said, adamantly. "He said some shit I can't ever forgive. No, absolutely not. In fact, I'm gonna call an Uber to come get me." She sniffed and looked over at me. "I shouldn't have insinuated myself into your weekend anyway." She swiped at a rogue tear that was making its way down her lovely cheek. She gave me a tight smile.

I slowly got to my feet. "I wish you wouldn't do that, Eve."

She looked down at her cigarettes as she shook a new one out of the pack. "I won't change my mind, Julie." She lit up and glanced at me. "Could you just...do me a favor?"

I stopped and looked at her.

"Could you get me a cup of coffee? Sugar, no cream."

I smiled sadly at her and nodded.

Adam was still in the kitchen laying out strips of bacon into a frying pan, his face looking cold and immovable like it was made out of marble. He glanced briefly at me before looking back at the frying pan on the stove. I reached out and turned the pilot off. He looked up from his task, exasperated but avoiding my eye.

"Julie, what the..."

"Adam," I said, "I want you to go out on the porch and apologize to Eve."

He dropped the tongs he was holding and turned away from the stove with a groan.

"Why should I apologize to her?" he asked, his voice suspiciously hoarse. He pointed in the direction of the porch. "She invited herself up here and then started preaching to me this morning and calling me names..."

"Adam!" I shouted, startling him into silence. I grabbed the tongs and approached him threateningly with them. "If you don't go out there and apologize this minute, I will never, ever..." I cast about for what to say. I was so clueless. Then, "...touch your dick again."

Adam stared at me, his eyes calculating what I had just said. His eyes drifted down over me and back up to my face. I could see anger, disbelief, confusion, and finally amusement warring with each other in his eyes as he tried to figure out if I was kidding or not.

"Julie, what the fuck kind of..."

I shook the tongs at him. "I mean it, Adam. No more dinners, no more kissing, no more..." I gestured vaguely towards the woods and blushed. "...that. I refuse to be with an unfeeling bastard."

He stared at me as if I had gone crazy, his eyes going nuts trying to take in every inch of me, reading me, looking for any sign of cracking or that I was joking. I stared back, tilting my chin defiantly, the tongs still pointing resolutely at his chest. He must have gotten the message because he turned and slammed a cupboard door closed with a loud bang.

"Fuck!" he yelled.

I ignored his outburst and calmly turned to the coffee pot where I poured two cups of coffee, adding sugar to one. I turned and held them out to Adam. He stared at the cups, then at me, contemplating his next move. Finally, he took the cups from me and marched resolutely to the door. I poured my own cup and followed him.

He pushed the screen door open and let it fall closed behind us. I sat down next to Eve while Adam held her cup of coffee out to her. She flicked her gaze up to him briefly and back down to the cup of coffee he offered her. She slowly reached out and wrapped her hands around the steaming mug. She took a tentative sip while Adam went to lean against the porch rail, facing us.

He toyed with his coffee cup for a few seconds, shuffling his feet uncomfortably. "Eve. Um...sorry."

Eve glance up quickly. "It's OK, Adam, I'm leaving in a few. I don't want to intrude on your weekend with Julie anymore."

I shot Adam a look. He looked as if he were trying very hard not to explode. "Uh no," he said forcefully. "No. Stay. At least have breakfast with us." The fingers of one hand tapped restlessly on the rail behind him. His eyes were intense and his face set. He may not have been feeling it, but he was determined. I had to give him that.

I bit my lip to keep from smiling. "Adam's right. Eve, stay. There's no need..."

Eve pushed herself up and paced away from us. "Adam said some...unforgivable things to me, Julie." She refused to acknowledge Adam and instead looked at me. "He's not sorry. He just wants to make peace for the sake of the show and so that you'll give him some ass."

My mouth dropped. Adam rolled his eyes and pushed off from the porch rail. "Eve can we just drop that for right now?" He hunched his shoulders a bit to look into Eve's face. "I'm sorry. And I mean it. You're my oldest friend who still...fucking talks to me. And I don't want to lose you just because I said a few dick things." He glanced quickly at me then back at Eve.

Eve took a deep shuddering breath. "You hurt my feelings terribly, Adam," she stated quietly.

Adam closed his eyes and cringed, banging his fist against his forehead. "I know, I know. I am so sorry, Eve." He opened his eyes and looked at her. "Look, I'm a sorry, low-down piece of shit. You didn't deserve all that. I was angry. I was wrong."

I could see Eve's mouth trembling with effort not to cry. "Oh, you stupid fucker!" she said huskily, grabbing Adam around the neck and hugging him. "I still hate you," she said her voice muffled against his shirt.

Adam, his chin resting on Eve's shoulder grinned. "I hate you too," he murmured affectionately.

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "Well," I said brightly getting up. "Should I get you two a condom or you good?"

Adam burst into his trademark cackle while Eve pushed away from him and looked at me in horror.

"Ew, Julie!" she said, shuddering. "Gross! Don't even joke like that before breakfast!"


	10. Uncharted Waters

Eve agreed to stay, not only through breakfast, but throughout the rest of our weekend and I couldn't have been more pleased. While I took over cooking duties I watched as Adam and Eve, as friendly and affable as if their spat had never taken place, bantered back and forth and occasionally howled with hilarity at some remembered occurrence of their shared past.

They quoted old lines at each other over breakfast and cackled uproariously when the other would get it wrong.

"Remember how we drove Sharon and John crazy with that first kiss last season?"

Adam dismissed Eve with a wave of his hand. "I don't know what you're talking about, I was totally professional!"

Eve's mouth dropped and she laughed. "You? You kept fumbling on purpose! Like you'd never kissed a girl in your life!"

"You made fun of my fucking nose!"

"I wasn't making fun of it," Eve protested, her eyes glittering with humor. "I was wondering what you'd do with it when you went in to kiss me."

"It's the same fucking thing!" he cried, but he was smiling.

I lowered my head and covered my face with my hand to hide my laughter.

"Either way, you contrived to make it the absolute worse kiss I've ever received," Eve retorted.

"I was just trying to be nice to all your..." Adam stopped short and looked sheepish.

Eve's smile dropped a bit. "Yeah..." she said slowly, getting up. "Look, this was great, Julie. I'll wash the dishes. Why don't you two go...I don't know...make a porn or something?"

I gawked and felt my cheeks go red with heat. Adam grinned mischievously at me and caught his bottom lip with his teeth. I shook with silent laughter.

Apparently, Eve wasn't finished. She smiled as she carried dishes to the sink. "I just hope you're still using your ring, Julie."

I frowned in confusion. "My...what?" I asked with a confused laugh.

Eve spun around and assumed a pose. Using her thumb and forefinger as if she was holding something small between them, she said with a bright smile, "Annovera is the only birth control I trust with my busy lifestyle!"

I covered my face with my hands and groaned in embarrassment while Adam giggled at Eve's mockery of my commercial.

"It's so small neither I nor my partners can feel it!" she went on.

"That wasn't in the commercial!" I cried, my flushed and hot with humiliation.

"Plus, it's 99% effective at preventing pregnancy!" she continued, oblivious to my red face. "Adam, just think...99% effective and you can't even feel it! It fits comfortably inside the vaginal canal..."

I slapped the table with my hand. "O-kay then," I said getting to my feet. "I felt bad about letting you do the dishes, Eve, but now...you can have at it."

Eve was laughing merrily and ruffled an amused Adam's hair fondly as she took his plate. "It's ok, Julie. Adam's seen your commercial, we watched it together. A girl has to eat between jobs." She did her best Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge impression sending Adam and me into fits of laughter again. "Did you know Adam once did a very depressing commercial for an anti-depressant?"

Adam groaned and wrinkled his nose. "Ugggh, Eve, no!"

***

We spent most of the day in a rowboat on the part of the lake that pushed its way into the woods not far from the cabin. Eve stayed behind as she stated she would never trust Adam near a body of water after what had happened during their Central Park lake shoot last season. Adam rolled his eyes at her.

"It was an accident!"

"Sure, sure!" she replied skeptically.

Nonetheless it was pleasant until Adam became overly amorous and began kissing me, ignoring my cries of alarm and pushing me down into the bottom of the boat, nearly losing the oars in the process.

"Shit, fuck, dammit!" he spouted off when he saw them slip their rowlocks. "Jesus fucking Christ!"

We returned to the cabin a few hours later, wet to the skin. to be greeted by a hysterically laughing Eve who was leaning against the rail smoking a cigarette.

"Another 'accident', Adam?" she asked between guffaws.

"Shut the fuck up, Eve," he muttered to her disgruntled as he jogged up the steps and into the house.

I was biting my lip to keep from laughing as I followed him, Eve's laughter ringing behind us.

Later that night, I sat on the bed brushing my hair, waiting for Adam. Tomorrow we'd be going back to the city and ten more weeks of grueling shoots. Using the hairbrush to channel my anxiety. I tried to ignore the annoying red flag that was valiantly trying to hoist itself back up to full staff in my brain. I was grown woman...I could handle this. I wanted this. I did.

I nearly jumped out my skin when he appeared in the doorway, towel around his hips, drying his wet hair. I brushed my hair with increased vigor. Adam seemed oblivious to the panic I knew was showing on my face, a hungry smile creasing his face as he took in my very short shorts and camisole.

"That's cute," he said, throwing the towel in his hand down. He sat down on the foot of the bed, his body canted towards me and I gave him a sly smile, stifling the rising nerves. What was wrong with me? God, he was right! I did act like a fucking Jane Austen heroine. It wasn't like I had never had sex before...

Adam reached for me and laid one large hand over my bare knee. My eyes met his and the words I had been about to say died in my throat. Well, shit. Who needs words? Keeping my eyes locked with his, I slowly leaned back against the mattress until I was resting flat on my back, then slid my hands up over my head in silent invitation. 

Adam's eyes were almost predatory as they moved over me. Taking me in. Pausing briefly as they wandered my body then coming back to gaze into mine. His hand moved slowly from my knee and up my thigh as he leaned over me. But instead laying over me as I had anticipated, he reached up and gently plucked the hairbrush from my hand, his torso only briefly brushing mine. I had almost forgotten I still held the brush.

There was a soft curve to his lips, not quite a smile as he stared down at me, but something almost animalistic gleamed in those amber eyes of his as he slowly leaned back up, my hairbrush in his hand. I swallowed hard, my chest rising and falling with shallow breaths as I waited in anticipation. My eyes darted back and forth between his, then to my hairbrush in his hand and I could almost have predicted what happened next.

"Turn over," he ordered, his voice dropping an octave in a tone that brooked no argument.

My heart leaped into my throat but something about his eyes, something about my own brain, and the way I was made prompted me to comply wordlessly. I rolled to my stomach, turned my head and flipped my hair to one side so that I could look at him. He was gazing at me, up and down in that contemplative, calculating way that made my insides quiver.

Suddenly he reached for my hair, smoothing it down my back with long, sensuous sweeps of his hand, then taking one even lock he began dragging the brush through it. Shifting so that he was kneeling on the bed right next to me, he methodically and gently began pulling the brush through my hair, his hand following in its wake. My scalp began tingling, then buzzing. I closed my eyes though I didn't want to and just lay there feeling. I never knew how amazing, how utterly sensual it could feel to have a man...this man...brush my hair. It was almost hypnotizing.

Until I felt his weight shift again. My eyes slowly came open as I felt one long-fingered hand hooking the back of my shorts and tugging, down, down...first my left hip, then right. He tugged and pulled and I lifted my hips in response, helping him. I heard my shorts hit the floor and cool air caressed my naked backside. The his lips were there.

Oh, God, he was kissing me, biting me softly. I moaned and arched up against him. Then he was gone and I held my breath, bracing, knowing what was coming, unsurprised by it and yet still unbelieving that I was allowing...no, welcoming it.

My lips curved into a soft smile as Adam's hand covered one ass cheek, fingers ever so slightly digginginto my flesh. They brushed across me as he slowly removed his hand then brought the hair brush down onto my bottom in a stinging slap. My teeth sank into my bottom lip, and my responding moan seemed to work on him as a catalyst. He spanked me again, this time on the opposite cheek, just where the top of my thigh met my ass. Then again, hard and swift, several times, the brush leaving sweet little stings that further fueled my lustand desire for him. 

When he stopped my backside was pleasantly warm I could feel the slippery wetness between my legs. When his finger slipped down into my sex, my body twitched with remembered pleasure and I moaned and lifted myself up to meet his touch. Rolling my hips against his hand, I let out a soft lustful groan.

He leaned over me, his naked chest pressing into my back. "Look how wet you got from me spanking you, Julie. Naughty girl," his voice rumbled through my skull, snapping my inhibitions into pieces. 

I bucked against his hand. "God, Adam," I moaned. "I've never...fuck..." 

His low pitched chuckle served to ratchet up the arousal that was already at fever pitch in me. "I know." He brushed my hair away from my face and leaned down to whisper in my ear. "Such a good little girl. But not for me. Why is that, Julie?" he asked rhetorically. His fingers sank deeper into me. 

I cried out sharply.

He paused. "Am I hurting you?" he asked.

I laughed at the irony of the question considering what he had just done to me. "No," I murmured breathless. "Adam, you have to...keep...doing that. Keep...oh..."

He pushed his hand deeper, further, middle finger finding my clit unerringly. "Fuck yourself on my fingers, Julie."

That was all it took. I went berserk. Pushing my self up on all fours I shamelessly humped his hand from behind, casting a glance at him over my shoulder as I did so. He was watching my hips but his eyes met mine when he saw me looking. He moved next to me, one arm bracing beside me, the other behind me, his hand working my sex in rhythm with my pumping hips. 

We established a mutually satisfactory rhythm of thrust, grind, stroke, thrust, grind, stroke, until we were straining together, both panting, intent on pleasure. He fucked me with fingers curled to hit my walls just so, driving me higher and higher into a pleasure which transcended rational thought. I was almost disappointed when the orgasm crashed violently over me. But without waiting for me to fully recover, Adam pulled his fingers out of me.

"Turn over," he ordered me for the second time that night.


	11. All Time High

I rushed to obey him, flipping over faceup. He swiftly removed my camisole and it joined the shorts on the floor. Adam laid his fingers on my chest and drew them slowly down, stopping just at the swell of my breasts. He slid his hands around the outside curves, nudging my arms out of the way and cupping the splayed weight in his palms. It felt so intimate and shockingly good and I drew in a choked breath as he pressed inward a bit. Then slowly, watching my reactions closely, his fingers began spiraling inward and back out but never touching the tips. He smirked at my little noise of dismay.

I realized my arms had slid up until my hands were touching over my head. Almost as if I was offering myself to him.

"Adam, please," I whimpered.

"I want to take my time with you," was his infuriating answer.

I sighed and rolled my head side to side.

He covered my breast with one hand and pressed up, then ran a finger along the crease underneath it. My nerves went crazy. I writhed as he did the same thing to my other breast. Then he took his hands away. I drew in a breath to complain but released it in a long sigh when his fingers brushed fleetingly over my nipples. I closed my eyes, felt his damp hair on my chest, then a wet, warm tongue. I moaned and spasmed, almost knocking him off balance.

"Careful, you bad girl," he said huskily. "Or I might have to stop."

He caught my nipple between his teeth and tugged gently. I bucked again but this time Adam was ready. He looked more than a little smug as he pressed his hand into my abdomen.

I stared up at him as his eyes roamed over my body, not cautiously but with an all-encompassing look of possession. It suddenly hit me that Adam wasn't just shockingly good at eliciting reactions I didn't know I could have, but his eyes held enough of an erotic charge to curl my toes. He stared at me with a combination of speculative calculation and barely veiled hunger.

He curved his hands over my knees and slid his palms up to the tops of my thighs. Down again, the outside of my legs, pausing to brush his fingers over and over against the back of my knees. It made me twitch. Made my legs bend a little, and he was waiting for that. He caught my knees and pressed them back against the sheet, pressed me open.

He moved closer between my legs to allow me to rest my thighs on his shoulders; then his head dipped towards my sex.

His tongue, so eloquent or sarcastic with his lines as the scene called for, was deftly swift in this endeavor. He flicked, sucked, and swirled me to astounding ecstasy. My head turned this way and that, the pleasure coursing through my entire body but focused in the hub of indescribable, perfect pleasure between my legs. My muscles tensed rhythmically, my back arched. I hoped I wasn't being too loud, because the passion sweeping my body was too powerful to be capped by silence.

I was having a hard time keeping my hips still, though I was trying to do just that, because I didn't want to throw him off his rhythm. I was fighting the urge to grip his head and push him closer.

Closer, so close. I could feel the edge right in front of me, it was right there, and I wanted nothing else in the world so much as to have him inside of me . . .

I fell off the edge of my second orgasm, feeling the mattress welcome me back to earth. Adam flicked a couple of aftershocks from my clitoris, then I felt him move away from me. He came back a moment later and curled beside me while I gasped breath back into my spent lungs. My thigh muscles were still twitching.

I felt his large hand on my inner thigh, his fingers stroking my skin, and I met his eyes. He flung away the towel that still clung loosely to his hips and my breath hitched in my chest, remembering the size of him from last night's shower. Before I could lose my nerve, I deliberately grazed the heel of my palm up his length, loving his deep throated groan. It surprised me when he moved, thrusting up, forcing my hand down, and I glanced back up at him, delighted to see his eyes half closed with pleasure but gazing avidly at me, his mouth slightly open as he panted. 

Experimentally, I slid my hand back up again, giving him a slight squeeze; he groaned and rolled his hips, grinding himself in my inexpert grasp. I didn't know what I was doing, but I could tell it gave him pleasure for me to touch him and, good God, how I wanted him inside me despite my worries about his size.

I stroked up, noting the way the skin moved with my hand, and when I reached the tip, I stroked down. Tentatively, I passed the palm of my hand over the tip of his penis, feeling the slick moisture, and I rubbed it about, fascinated by his unrestrained, pleasure-seeking thrust and grind against my hand. I made a few more trips up and down, seeing how the lubricant eased my way. Just as I felt I was getting a rhythm going, he lifted his head and seared me with his eyes, laying a stopping hand over mine.

He moved his sweat-sheened body onto mine, and with only a second's hesitation – mostly ingrained worries about being thought easy – I let him move between my bent knees. My eyes met his briefly, and then he moved his body upward and—

He was inside me. My breath caught in my throat. I was totally filled.

The discomfort I was dreading wasn't there, but the sudden, intense physical connection brought something like pain-pleasure to my stomach. He moved once, slowly, and my lower body seemed racked with surprise, pleasant yet aching, as it had never been before.

He moved into a long, slow rhythm, my body's first response giving way to perfect, primeval pleasure. With each slow thrust, it coursed through my body from my flushed cheeks to the tips of my alternately pointed and flexed toes. It rolled over me like ocean waves, each one mounting higher and higher, pulling me towards –

There. My muscles clenched in a fit of orgasm, more visceral than the last one. My head tilted back, and cries of passion escaped my lips.

But Adam wasn't finished.

His rhythm quickened and shortened slightly, becoming more focused. For the first time, I understood why my furtive sexual encounter with other men left me feeling blasé about sex. As another orgasm built, I knew that this was what sex was meant to be. This was what the 'big deal' was all about.

Adam and I were both moaning as I've only heard in movies as we rocked together in matched cadence. I lifted my knees, appeasing a delicious instinct, curling my body into a C to meet him. Another orgasm exploded, like a chemistry project gone wrong in my womb. At the same time, Adam gave his loudest howl and thrust deeper. I felt his release inside me.

Everything was still.

I became slowly aware of the bedsheet sticking to the rivulet of sweat down my spine, the intolerable heat in the previously comfortable room, and Adam above and surrounded by me. His chest was heaving, matching my own breathing.

He began to move away, but I whispered, "Wait."

I couldn't stop the need to feel him inside me, easing me down from my sexual high.

My arms and legs still draped around him, Adam obligingly waited, his body pressing down upon me, resting his forehead on the pillow beside my head. I could hear his post-orgasmic sighs in my ear. I caught my breath, willing the tears in the corners of my eyes to dissipate unshed, and I held onto his firm, broad, comfortingly male body.

Sooner than I wanted, he shifted with a grunt, and our connection was gone. My hips thanked me when I brought my legs back to a civilized position. But Adam only moved as far as directly beside me. His arms circled my body, his forehead against my neck and the increasingly familiar tickle of his beard on my skin.

My body hummed like a tightly strung guitar that had been played to pieces by an expert. I could hear my own heartbeat drumming in my chest, the pulses in my throat still going wild. It was a while before they would return to normal. I let Adam hold me to him, despite the fact that it wasn't the most comfortable position in which to sleep. I felt a tiny pang in my heart as I realized that he was the first man to ever seem to want to hold me after sex. Did that say something about him or me? I wondered. I breathed in his scent as he fell easily into a well-earned slumber. I knew I wouldn't be able to go to sleep so quickly...my brain was whirring and whining with too much activity and sensory overload. 

So. It had happened. In the dim, pleasure soaked depths of my brain came the thought: Was I an Upstate Girl now?


	12. Total Depravity

The next morning, I stood on the porch drinking coffee while Adam carried our bags to the car. As he passed by, he gave me a shy, secret little smile and leaned over to give my lips a brief, sweet kiss. My belly fluttered with remembered sensations. I returned his smile and sipped my coffee in an attempt to give my hands and mouth something to do.

As he mounted the steps to the porch one last time, I held up my coffee cup in a mock salute and gave him a saucy smile. "Salaam, sultan," I said with a wink.

He grinned and his hungry dark eyes traveled down my body and back up again. "Is your ass sore?" he asked just as Eve came out.

"No!" I hissed, glancing at our co-star who was busily sending a text.

"She already knows," he said nodding in Eve's direction, his smile devilish. "You were pretty loud. So was I."

I smacked his arm and he laughed and caught my lips in a quick but searing kiss.

"A little," I grumbled as he broke off the kiss.

"Aww," he crooned with mock concern. "Do you want a cushion to sit on?"

I bit back a smile. "No!" I said again with another glance at Eve who had finally looked up and noticed us. "That's all I need is for Eve to be snickering about that all the way home."

Adam glanced at her. "She'll just find something else to fucking laugh at."

Surprisingly, Eve kept the teasing to a minimum, biting her lip as she made her way to the car, she gave me a sly wink as she once more swung herself over into the backseat and slipped her sunglasses on. Adam, unable to wipe the happy grin from his face, put his hand on the small of my back and we joined Eve.

Four hours later we had dropped Eve off at her apartment and were rapidly ascending the stairs to my new walk-up. Exchanging silly grins like a couple of high schoolers, I quickly unlocked my door and we went in. I bit my lip at the starkness which greeted us. Adam tossed my bag onto the floor.

"Well," I said apologetically. "There still isn't much furniture...Eve and I were supposed to go..."

My words were cut off as Adam grabbed me from behind and spun me around, his lips hungrily devouring mine. His hands were in my hair, fingertips digging into my scalp. My hands were trapped between us, fluttering helpless against his chest. Surprised by my own boldness, I grabbed fistfuls of his shirt and jerked him towards me. A low groan that sounded like it came from deep within his gut vibrated against my lips in appreciation and he reciprocated by pulling down on my hair, tilting my head back and deepened the kiss. I met his tongue with my own, becoming accustomed now to what he liked and how to respond.

He slowed the kiss but did not end it. His hand moved in a slow caress down my front, with the most teasing and briefest of touches, to finally rest at my hip. It was as if he were deliberately directing my senses from the kiss to the touch of his hand. He moved around to the front of my denim shorts and began tugging and ripping at the button. His other hand clamped over my ass and I jerked at the possessive grip on my still sore bottom.

He lifted me against him, and I wrapped my legs around his waist as he carried me to the bedroom. Falling onto the bed with me he finally broke off the kiss to concentrate on removing my shorts. The room was dark, and my brain was spinning as I sat up to help him. My hand helped itself to the front of his jeans where I was rewarded with more than a handful of rock hard cock. I giggled and bit his neck.

"Oh, fuck, Julie," he rasped, breathing hard.

He peeled my shorts down taking the panties with them and I kicked my legs to help free myself of the garment. Then I pulled him back down to me for another kiss. My hands worked their way up his shoulders and into his hair. I looped the sleek, black strands through my fingers, twisting and pulling. He seemed to like that. I smiled against his mouth and returned my hands to the front of his jeans. He helped me shuck them and onto the floor with my shorts. There was no taking our time now like we did last night. This was frantic and frenzied brought on by a hurried morning and a four-hour drive. Adam deepened the kiss again, sucking on my tongue gently and making me squirm restlessly.

Then Adam rolled me over onto my stomach.

"I want to fuck you from behind," he whispered. "Quick and nasty."

His words made my womb clench and I murmured my assent. He pulled my hips up to meet his. I was so wet already, I felt only a slight discomfort when he entered me. He bottomed out and I felt like I was punched in the stomach. His hand reached up and grabbed my wrists. Pulling my arms back behind me, he held them together at the small of my back as he fucked me, hard.

"You like it when I fuck you rough, Julie?" he asked. He tugged on my arms. "Tell me..." he panted, his breath hitching.

"Y-yes!" I sputtered, my voice shaking with his repeated thrusts. The truth was I had never known anything like this before. Whispers and rumors and sly innuendo, sure. But I had never experienced it myself. "I love it," I breathed.

My words seemed to spur him on to quicker and deeper thrusts. He released my wrists and his big hands slid up my ribcage, pushing my shirt up and out of the way. He reached around and underneath and squeezed my breasts while I caught myself on my hands to keep from collapsing. My whole body was spasming.

Adam was panting as he talked to me. "Fuck...such a good girl." His hands on my breasts flexed and massaged. "Wanna fuck you...whenever I want." His breath hitched. "You gonna let me fuck you whenever I want...wherever I want?"

"Gah...yes, Adam!" I cried as his thrusts grew more erratic.

"Where, Julie?" he panted, squeezing my tits, pinching my nipples. "Tell me where..."

"Ugh," I grunted, my mind blanking out for a second. His hot breath on the back of my neck suddenly sparked inspiration. "In...your dressing room...at Studio...C!"

"Yeah?" he breathed, his excitement mounting more and more. "Where else?"

"Oh, Adam, fuck!" I cried feeling my pussy quaking. His voice. His fucking voice was doing this to me! "In the bathroom...over the sink!"

"Fuck, yeah!" he yelled.

I kept going, grinning at how fast I was catching on to his games. "In my apartment stairwell..."

His hips stuttered and his hands tightened on me.

"On the subway..."

Adam suddenly gave a loud growl and was coming inside me. "Shit...Julie," he gasped.

I felt him shudder against me, felt his voice vibrate down my spine and then his hands released my breasts and he braced himself on his arms, half collapsing on my back. He held me to him for a few seconds then slowly pulled out of me with sigh.

When he lowered himself beside me on the bed, he urged me over onto my back and pulled me against him. As his breathing slowly returned to normal, coming down from his orgasm he stared at me, his eyes roaming all over me as if to make sure I was real. I returned his gaze, reaching up to push a damp strand of hair off his forehead. He caught my hand and kissed my fingers, then smiling slowly he guided my hand downward.

I gasped when I realized what his intentions were. "Touch yourself, Julie...look how fucking slippery you are now."

His hand was still on mine as he slid my finger up into my channel made slick with his come and my juices; his own finger joining mine. Together our fingers slipped and slid against each other inside me, driving me towards a rapidly mounting climax. My mouth dropped open. I had never thought of doing such a thing, he watched me avidly, his gaze hot and dark as my lower lip trembled and my brow creased with my oncoming crisis. His thumb flicked at my clit. My toes curled and my knees rose up as the orgasm crashed into and through me.

I shamelessly bucked my hips against our hands and Adam ate it up. He pulled our fingers out and I knew what he was going to do before he did it. Bringing my hand up to my mouth he murmured, "Open..." then slipped both our fingers inside. "Suck it," he ordered, his voice pouring over me like hot caramel over ice cream. "Suck it clean."

I did as I was told keeping my eyes on his the whole time making a show of relishing his and my come and swallowing every bit. When I was done, I released our fingers with a loud smack and smiled lazily at him.

"You're depraved," I murmured.

He gave me one of his heart stopping toothy grins. "You love it," he responded.

I reached up with both arms and twined them around his neck, pulling myself up to kiss him. "I do," I whispered against his lips, sifting his hair . "I do."

As he drifted off to sleep, his nose buried in my hair, his arms entwined around me I felt that splinter in my heart shift uncomfortably. Oh, God no...I couldn't, not with him. I closed my eyes and pushed the flutters away, putting them down to the afterglow that followed great sex.


	13. Back To Reality

We did have sex in his dressing room. Up against the wall while outside extras, gaffs and sound guys wandered to and fro and the set director called out orders. Sharon's voice penetrated the walls, giving instruction to one of the extras and we heard Agnes yelling at someone. I giggled as Adam thrust up into me and he laughed breathlessly while we fucked.

"You like this?" he asked in strained voice. "You like being fucked up against the wall of my dressing room? Where anyone could hear you and know what we're doing?"

I bit my lip to keep from moaning and when we were done Adam threatened to take me against the door next time.

"Make it fucking shake on its goddamn hinges," he declared as he tucked himself away and ran a hand through his damp, raven waves.

I gave him a reproachful smile, but my cheeks were burning as I retrieved my underwear and stepped back into them.

"How do we, uh...?" I tailed off uncertainly, nodding my head towards the door.

Adam took a minute to translate my unspoken question. "Oh!" He grinned as he went to the door and kissed me quickly on the forehead.

Cautiously cracking it he looked out, then opened it wide.

"All safe," he said with a wink.

I smirked at him and made my swift way out into the studio. It wasn't that we were trying to keep our relationship a secret; that would have been impossible anyway. But hooking up in the star's dressing room might be frowned upon, namely by Sharon Greene.

I made my furtive way to my own dressing area when I was suddenly brought up short at the sight of Eve and Arthur speaking in low, furtive tones.

"Eve, my dear, it's for the best," Arthur was saying. "You'll understand in time..."

Ever looked as if she was crying but when Arthur caught sight of me, he brightened and smiled his dazzling show stopping Broadway grin. Eve spun around and did almost the exact same thing so that if the situation had not felt so fraught it would have been comical.

I smiled and lifted a hand in greeting, feeling awkward and a little idiotic. "Arthur. Eve," I greeted.

Eve's smile tightened and she attempted a cheerful "hello" but her face crumpled at the last minute and she hastily excused herself. As she hurried past me, I looked at Arthur's pained face. His usually merry blue eyes had a hint of sadness to them and I noticed, not for the first time, how his golden curls showed not a hint of grey. He was extremely handsome, despite the two decades between him and Eve. No wonder she was smitten.

"Julie," he said warmly. "I never did tell you how much we enjoyed your singing the other night."

"Oh, I..." It seemed like such a long time ago to me. "Well that's kind of you. Thanks. Is everything...?"

He interrupted me. "You know, you could be on Broadway with a voice like that. We should convince Sharon and the writers to let you do some singing in the show."

I laughed self-consciously. "Well, Arthur, that's flattering but I'm only signed for four episodes so far and..."

He pointed a finger at me. "You remind me a lot of Rebecca Caine...you know she and I performed a cabaret together once in Toronto. Good times."

I was speechless, my mouth open, unsure how to handle such undeserved praise. "Wow, I...that's fabulous. She's always been one of my idols...but, Arthur..."

Three loud claps came from behind me. "Julie! We need you in costume...pronto!" Sharon shouted. "Come on people, weekend's over...no more slacking!"

That was the theme of the day. Sharon was a slave driver and so were the scenes. I only kissed Matt three more times before Sharon declared she was satisfied with the scene. In fact, she was praising me to the heavens for what she called my "superb acting". Adam, looking positively dangerous in his white lab coat with his hair pulled back, gave me a sly wink.

But a week later it was different story. It was time for my first love scene. With Matt. As the scene called for Pat to barge in and catch his little sister, it was just my luck that Adam was on set too. I felt so nauseous, even the Zofran that Eve obligingly provided me with didn't help.

So, with my stomach in knots and a confident smile on my face that I didn't feel in my heart, I proceeded onto uncharted territory. Angela and Jason were in her bedroom at her brother's house...

I pushed the straps of my camisole down my shoulders and glanced shyly at the tall, blond giant slowly stalking toward me. The back of my knees hit the bed and Matt pressed his body intimately up against mine. His hands gripped my hips while he rained kisses down my neck and across my collarbone.

I grabbed handfuls of his hair and moaned then fell down on the bed, dragging Matt with me.

Jason: Are you sure?

Angela: Are you fucking kidding me? I've wanted this since the minute I laid eyes on you.

Jason: You're fucking amazing, Angela.

Angela (smirking): I know

Matt sat back, grinned and hooked his finger into the waistband of my panties. As he began dragging them down, something snapped in me. I became painfully aware that the grips and boom operators had turned their faces away respectfully. But the director and...oh God...Adam were in the shadows beyond the set. Watching. I broke out in a sweat and suddenly my hands were trembling. What the fuck? I was a professional!

Matt looked at me, a perplexed frown on his face. "Julie?" he whispered. He widened his eyes as if giving me a cue but I had no idea what the cue was for. I had lost it.

I shook my head and yanked my panties back up. "I can't...I mean, can I just have a moment?"

"Cut!" I heard the director shout. "What the hell...?"

Without waiting for the director's permission, I slid out from under Matt and grabbed my robe. Throwing it on, I hurried away, tying the sash with shaking hands. I was dimly aware of Adam following me.

"Hey, Julie," he called. "Julie, wait..."

I slipped into the bathroom with Adam hot on my heels.

"Adam, you can't be in here while I am!" I hissed. "Go away. I'm fine."

He ignored that, closing the door behind him and turning to me. "What's wrong, Julie? What happened?"

I stood at the sink and splashed water on my overheated cheeks. "Nothing," I grumbled. "I'll get it right in a minute. It's just so damn hot under all those lights."

He stood still behind me. I caught his eye in the mirror above the sink and sighed, turning to face him. He was staring at in that infuriating way, his dark eyes boring holes into my brain, or so it seemed to me. I knew he would stand there until I told the truth.

"Can you leave? I really have to pee," I said pointing to the toilet.

"Are you sure it's just the lights?" he asked, ignoring my attempt to get rid of him.

I glanced away and fiddled with the end of my sash. "Yeah," I murmured.

He took a step towards me. The tiny bathroom didn't afford us much room and my heart jumped into my throat. This wasn't helping matters. I still refused to look at him and began shaking my head.

"No," I said quietly. "It's not the lights. It's you."

I peeked up at him and his lips were working as if he was trying hard not to laugh. I rolled my eyes.

"Forget it. I just need a moment to..."

"Aw, Julie!" he said, giving up his attempt to contain his mirth. He encircled my upper arms with his big hands and dragged me to him. Kissing my forehead in a surprisingly chaste manner, he held me to him.

So much unsaid but implied in that kiss and embrace. I knew I was still a novice in this business but something about being held by Adam in a way that was for once not sexual did something to me. I smiled and briefly put my own arms around his waist.

"I'm so unprofessional!" I moaned in dismay.

"Nah, Julie, you're great," he murmured into my hair, but I could hear the smile in his voice. "You just need to loosen up."

I glanced at him. "Maybe Pat McClure should give me one of his infamous performance enhancing serums," I remarked drily.

Adam smoothed my hair back. "You don't need anything to enhance your performance, Julie," he said in a voice that made me go weak in the knees.

His eyes were all over me and I took a deep breath and gently pushed him away. Because I knew where this was going if I let it...we had yet to christen the bathroom sink that was at my back. I cleared my throat. "Thanks, sultan," I said hoarsely.

Adam grinned at me and I had to force myself to tear my eyes away.

One hour later Sharon was yelling cut again. But this time it was not due to my incompetence...I had completed my first love scene successfully. Adam, unfortunately, seemed to think it was a little too successful.

"Adam, listen, when you go to grab Jason off Angela could you not tear his arm out of its socket?" she asked exasperated. "We need a whole actor to play Jason, not three-fourths of one!"

Sharon's dry sense of humor is what pulled everyone through a difficulty scene more than once.

Later as I was making my way to my dressing room to change, Mariana, one of the actresses who played a student of Pat's came up to me and bumped forearms with me companionably.

"So, you and Adam, huh?" she said slyly, with a red-lipstick grin.

My feet faltered and I jerked to a halt. "Do what?" I asked, feeling my face and neck grow warm.

Mariana grinned at me with impossibly white teeth and rolled her eyes. She had to be only a year or two younger than me but she acted like the eighteen year old she portrayed in The Chemist. "You know..." She nudged me again. "You two hooking up for the season?"

For the season? My mouth worked awkwardly, and my brain tried to come up with a suitable response. "I don't...really...I mean that's kind of..."

She giggled at my stutter and bit her lower lip. "I can't blame you really, girl. Adam's a fucking biscuit; let him sop you up!" She licked her lips. "He's amazing."

Her eyes went from me to Adam who was standing over by one of the sets in deep conversation with Sharon and Arthur. He didn't look our way, thank goodness.

I felt my stomach clench. "And you know this, how?" I asked icily.

She looked back at me as if I was stupidly naive. Maybe I was.

"How do you think?" she asked shaking her head pityingly at me before turning and walking away, her ponytail swinging.

Changing into my own clothes and sweeping my hair up into a clip, everything else seemed to go by in a blur. I was making my way to the door when a large hand grabbed mine and tugged. Before I knew what was happening, Adam was spinning me in a pirouette and into his arms.

"Hey," he said with a disarming smile. "Where are you running off to?"


	14. Ultimatum

Adam walked me home, holding my hand and occasionally leaning over me to kiss the top of my head or ducking his big frame to kiss the side of my neck. But we didn't say much. At least, I didn't.

There seemed to be a big rock sitting heavily in my chest and I don't know why. Questions I wanted to ask and then alternatively didn't want to know the answers to were swirling in my brain and that damned rock was growing heavier by the minute.

I chided myself: You knew all this about him. You were warned in a dozen different ways, by Agnes, by Eve, hell even by your own red flag the day you met him. How can you be so shocked? Why did you let it build up knowing it would only be more painful once reality hit you?

"You're awfully quiet."

My head snapped up to look at him. "Hmmm?" I asked.

He was studying me keenly. "You don't have much to say. Still reeling from your first topless scene?"

That teasing grin. I swallowed and smiled with some difficulty, then looked down at my feet. "No," I replied quietly.

His hand tightened around mine. "Then what?" he persisted.

I shook my head not looking at him. "I'm just tired, I guess." I laughed. "Four episodes. I never knew it took so much work." That reminded me that I was almost done on the set of The Chemist...unless they chose to renew my contract. Suddenly my mouth was dry.

Adam gave my hand a squeeze. "Hey, listen," he said enthusiastically. "Come back with me to my place."

I faltered. "Y-your place?" I asked faintly.

"Sure. I have a sofa," he said in an enticing voice.

I made an indignant noise. "I have a sofa."

"No, you have a futon, Julie."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm still working on it," I insisted.

"Come home with me," he repeated. "Come on. You look as though you're afraid I'll eat you up." He grinned wickedly and leaned down to plant an open-mouthed kiss on my neck and gently scrape my sensitive flesh with his teeth. "Maybe I will," he growled.

Despite the devastating effect his actions had on me, I gently pushed him away. "I don't know...it's late, Adam, and...'

"Tomorrow's Saturday and Sharon's gone to see her grandkids in Schenectady. We have the whole day."

His eyes were pleading and soft and something in them that I knew was meant only for me seemed to reach out and grab at my heart. I sighed and began to nod

"Oh...alright, Adam."

Adam's loft apartment in Dumbo was a walk-up like mine but considerably larger and definitely in a much more hip neighborhood. We ascended the stairs and he unlocked the door, opened it and indicated I should precede him. Still feeling a little put out, I nevertheless gasped with appreciation at the view. One entire wall was actually a window that faced the Brooklyn Bridge and the twinkling lights of Manhattan across the water.

I went to stand by the window and look out, crossing my arms, my brain a mass of tangled thoughts. Adam was soon behind me, encircling me in his arms and planting eager kisses along my neck. I felt the familiar rush of arousal flood my body and for a moment my eyes closed, and I leaned my head back against him.

"Julie," he murmured into my hair. "You're a bundle of nerves tonight."

It wasn't a question, so I didn't say anything, just drew in a deep breath and let it go in a sigh.

"Adam," I said finally, nervously wetting my lips with my tongue and turning to face him.

He just hummed against my neck, continuing to kiss me and tease my ear with little flicks of his tongue. I sucked in my breath and tried not to let him distract me.

"Adam, how...how many other girls are there in your life?" I asked breathlessly.

He paused just a fraction of a second and laughed softly. "You know better than to ask a question like that, Julie." He resumed nuzzling my ear and asked, his deep voice reverberated against my skull.

I braced my hands on his muscular forearms. "It's a simple question, isn't it?"

He pulled away looked down into my eyes. He shook his head in confusion. "I don't..."

I brought my hands around to his chest and focused on them, tapping nervously against his rock-hard pecs and trying so hard not to choke on my words. "I mean...besides Mariana?" I asked hating how small my voice sounded.

He frowned then it dissolved into a heart stopping smile as his eyes dropped to the pulse in my neck. "Oh, Mariana," he said lightly as if he thought that was funny and brought his head back down to kiss and nip at my sensitive flesh.

I tried not let him take my breath away. I pushed gently at his chest. "Mariana...and?"

He continued kissing me and groaned a little. "Julie, what the fuck is this?" he grumbled.

"Is it so bad to want to know who I'm sharing you with?" I asked with a little sting to my words, fingers flexing on his pecs.

He pulled away from me, frowning. "You talked to Mariana."

I looked away from him. "Yes."

Adam's hands dropped to his sides, then he ran one hand through his hair, clearly agitated. Then he reached for me again, clearly wanting to try again. His hand brushed my upper arm. "Julie," he said softly. "It's a beautiful night...and we have the whole weekend ahead of us..."

"And next week?" I asked tartly.

"Next week, same thing," he said soothingly.

I looked down at my feet. "And what about the week after that? What about next month?"

At this he pulled back and looked into my eyes, looking bemused. "Jesus, Julie, what do you want, a fucking contract?"

His tone pierced my gut. I was unable to look him in the eyes. Feeling the impending doom of what I had started I nevertheless plowed on. "No," I said firmly, shaking my head. "I don't want a contract, Adam." My voice was tight. "I just want a simple answer to a simple question. How many other girls are there in your life?"

His hands dropped from my arms to rest on his hips. "Four hundred and sixty-three!" he spat sarcastically. "It used to be four hundred and sixty-four until one of them started asking questions that were none of her fucking business."

I looked up at him, my eyes wide in disbelief. But all I could do was reply just as sarcastically. "Thanks for the honesty!"

"You're welcome!" He began pacing up and down, alternately running his hand through his hair and gesturing angrily as he talked. "Are you gonna cry now?" he asked, pausing to stare at me. "Isn't that what happens next? First the fucked up questions, then the fucked up answers, then the fucking tears!" He resumed his pacing and waved a hand at me. "Go on," he shouted. "Do the whole fucking act!"

My blood was boiling, and my teeth clashed together as I watched him. "You listen to me, Adam Sackler," I stated, hating the way my voice cracked.

When he seemed to ignore and continued his agitated pacing, I cleared my throat and advanced on him angrily. Grabbing his arm, I tugged on it as hard as I could to make him face me. His eyes were stormy, and his lips turned down in a pout. I held up a finger in his face.

"You listen to me, and you listen good, you fucking sultan or God's fucking gift to women or whatever the fuck you think you are! You're very big with your upstate cabin and your Dumbo loft and your Marianas and whoever the fuck else you're boffing but you have a hell of a lot to learn about women!"

His eyebrow rose in surprise. "Do I?" he asked with that infuriating sexual lilt to his deep voice. His pout started to tilt up in a smile.

"Yeah!" I yelled, my tough Utica interior emerging. "You do! For one thing, I'm not gonna fucking cry over you! And for another, if you want to continue this thing, you're gonna drop every other fucking girl you've ever had!"

His eyes raced over my face. "And why am I gonna do that, Julie?" he asked, his left eye twitching just slightly.

I was breathless as I stepped back from him and looked him in the eye. "Because I'm in love with you," I said my voice cracking again. Dammit. Part of me wished I hadn't said anything, but it was too late now. I plowed ahead. "You think that's such a wonderful thing? To be in love with someone like you who's probably fucked most of the people we work with? I never wanted to be...everyone warned me about you. Did I listen? No! Not Julie Landor!" I laughed ironically and walked away from him aware of his eyes following me as I did. "No, she never listens to what's good for her!" I crossed my arms and stood in front of that magnificent view but was unable to appreciate it.

I was aware that I probably seemed hysterical to him. I could feel his eyes still on me, surely wondering how the hell he could get rid of me now. Well, I could solve that little problem. I went to grab my purse where I had set it down when we came in, but Adam was there, blocking my way like a fucking wall of muscle.

"Julie..." he started to say.

"Adam, I'm leaving," I said weakly, trying so hard not to cry. "You don't need to say anything. I know full well you'll never change..."

He cut off my words as he grabbed my face in his hands and brought his lips down on mine in a crushing kiss.

Oh God damn...no. Not again.


	15. Broken

I tried to pull his hands away, then tried to pull myself away but it was no use. Adam had a strong grip on me, and he wasn't letting go. I moaned in protest against his mouth, even when he forced mine open. It was all too much. His nearness, his scent, his fingers digging into my skull, and that marauding mouth. My feminist mother would have disowned me in a second but, God help me, I grabbed onto his hair, pulled it tightly and deepened the kiss. Our tongues and teeth clashed, and I became dimly aware that he had backed me up against something...the couch.

One of his hands moved to my thigh and began gathering my short skirt up in bunches, then pulling my leg up and around his waist. It was wrong. I knew it in my heart. This was all wrong, but my primal instincts cried out to be filled. Filled by him. Then he broke away from kissing me and I reached up...and slapped his stupid face.

"You're real sure of yourself, aren't you?" I spat.

He had the audacity to grin at me then and cheekily, "Drop the act, Julie, you kissed me back."

I was flooded with shame and then shrieked as he suddenly swept me up and over his shoulder and began carrying me to his bed. I felt ridiculous as the only thing I could do upside down like this was give his backside a few token hits with my fists.

"You're archaic!" I screamed. "You know that? A fucking throwback! Do you even know what fucking year it is? Or what century?"

He laughed as he threw me down on the bed and crawled over me.

I continued my tirade, my eyes burning as I looked into his. "Oh, you think you fucking own me, don't you?" I said scornfully. "Bet you think that about every woman you fuck, don't you?"

He was undoing his tie but leaned down to kiss me forcefully on the lips. "No," he answered, his silky baritone settling over me like I had been dipped in chocolate fondant. "Just you, my little foul mouthed slut."

That was it...I spat at him aiming for his eye. He barely flinched and the spit went wide of its mark and landed somewhere in his hair. He whipped his tie from around his neck and, leaning down, used it as a temporary gag over my mouth.

"Oh, do that again, Julie, please!" he taunted.

I shoved the tie aside and huffed in annoyance, "Fuck you!"

I gave a halfhearted struggle, but it was difficult, bracketed on either side of my hips by his knees as I was. He was unbuttoning his shirt and that too got flung aside. I was desperately trying to control the primal urges of my treacherous body, but it was a battle I was swiftly losing.

"I want to go home," I said, hating how it came out like a whine.

He was kissing me again, down my neck and over the top of my dress. "No, you don't."

My temper flared. "Don't tell me what I do and don't want!" I fired back.

He sat back looked down at me in annoyance. "Why do you want to go home?" he asked, clearly baffled.

"Because you're a dick," I answered vaguely. I was wearing myself out.

He sighed and ran his hand through his tousled hair. "Julie, those other girls don't mean anything to me. And after what you said..."

I groaned and rolled my head away, unable to look at him. "Please don't remind me," I said. "I wish I hadn't said it!"

He was quiet and motionless above me, I could feel his eyes on me, but I refused to look at him.

"Did you mean it?" he asked after a while.

I kept my face turned away and tilted my chin up a degree, trying to muster as much dignity as I could while lying prone between his knees. I even crossed my arms.

He huffed in amusement. "Julie."

I slowly turned my head to look him in the eye. "I don't say things I don't mean, Adam." I paused. "And you are a dick."

His eyes roamed all over me, that infuriating little smile parting his lips. The, without warning he scooped me up from underneath and rolled with me until our positions were reversed and I now straddled his body. My head swam with the momentum, but I didn't have time to adjust to that because he was pulling me down over him. His long fingers threaded through my hair and brought my head down to his chest, holding me there while his other hand traveled down my back.

"Don't leave me," he pleaded, kissing the top of my head. "Stay. I'll drop every single one of those other girls...I don't want to lose you, Julie." His fingers were moving against my skull, making a wreck of my senses. "I can't get you out of my head. Ever since I saw you in that God-awful play Diamonds."

I frowned in surprise. Diamonds was an off-Broadway production about baseball that had basically flopped from poor directing and a weak script. It closed after a mere ten performances. I had been cast as the plucky best friend of the leading man, a role I had fun playing despite it all.

I propped myself up on his chest and looked at Adam incredulously. "You saw me in Diamonds?"

He nodded. "Waste of your fucking talent. I went to all ten shows."

My mouth dropped open. "Adam, I was onstage maybe fifteen minutes, tops. The show is almost two hours long."

"I know," he said, his eyes finding mine.

Something flitted through my brain. Something too quick and insubstantial for me to catch, like a couple of puzzle pieces that should have fit perfectly together but my muddled brain was too full to grasp the meaning of it. Like a wisp of smoke, the thought dissipated, and I lost it. I shook my head.

"Adam, that's insane. You're pulling my leg!"

He looked at me so seriously and shook his head. "No. Ask Eve."

My eyes darted back and forth as I tried to work over this bombshell in my head, trying to recall every move and line of my performance. What had he thought of me, really? I looked at him again.

"It was awful."

He guffawed and agreed with me. "It was a clusterfuck, Julie. You were so great, though. I loved the way you just gave that shitty part your all, you know?" He was rapidly stroking my hair and I could tell by the timbre of his voice he truly believed what he was saying . "You should fire that fucking agent of yours though."

I was practically glowing under his praise, already forgetting my earlier anger at him. "Tracy's not bad!" I protested. "She got me this job...with you, didn't she?" I gave him a sly smile.

A funny look came over Adam's face and he looked as though he was about to say something but then changed his mind. He tugged at my dress.

"You know what? You're overdressed, woman."

I laughed softly and reached to grab the hem of my dress and fling it off over my head so that I was wearing nothing but my bra. I reached behind to unhook it and tossed it aside. As he pulled me down to him for another kiss, I realized that Adam had not told me he was in love with me. In fact, he had said everything but that. I raked my fingers through his hair, slanting my mouth across his and plundering his mouth with my tongue in that way I knew he liked. It didn't matter in that moment that he hadn't reciprocated my feelings. It was the way he had pleaded with me not to go.

I began fumbling with his belt and he obligingly helped me out. I reached for his cock and heard his deep sigh of pleasure when I raised myself and settled slowly over him, letting him slide into me, inch by agonizing inch. When I had completely impaled myself on him, I reached up and grabbed the headboard, and smiled down at him wickedly as I slowly rolled my hips against him teasing him.

The look on Adam's face, his soft cursing thrilled me as much as the slowly building pleasure. I kept my eyes on his as I let go of the headboard and sat straight up, then began moving my hips in soft, subtle figure eights, grinning at the expression of total rapture on his beautiful face. I closed my eyes, feeling the familiar feeling of climbing the peak to orgasm gathered inside me once more and I leaned forward so my breasts brushed his chest as I jerked my hips up and down over him. His body was hard and warm beneath my hands...somehow my palms had found their way to his chest and I used him for leverage on my manic ride.

Adam was losing his mind. "Jesus fucking Christ, Julie," he muttered, his hands running up my sides and down again to my ass. "Oh, fuck...yeah..."

I deliberately slowed down once more, delaying his pleasure and mine, but loving the way his eyes snapped up to mine, tortured and hungry. I smiled at him and cocked an eyebrow.

"Fucking tease," he murmured ominously and shifted under me.

The hand that rested at my hip suddenly drew back and delivered a swift, loud smack to my thigh. I screamed in pain and surprise, but no sooner had I realized what he had done than he was giving me another one, swift and smart on my opposite thigh. I cried out again and he seemed to love that. He moved to my ass, slapping it with his hand, his breath becoming short as I wobbled in pleasure and pain on top of him.

"You think you can come over to my house and fucking tease me and get away with it, Julie?" he asked between spanks. "Huh?"

I couldn't reply. I was quivering with the sensation, the pain and pleasure blending seamlessly for me. Soon he began to spank harder, until every strike burned and the orgasm I had tried to delay exploded through me like a tiny atomic bomb. I could feel my inner muscles contracting around his massive cock and tears filled my eyes.

Adam was far from finished. He grabbed my hips and held them still in a bruising grip, then began drilling me so hard I screamed in surprise. I fell forward, my fingernails digging into the headboard; I could feel the bed rocking wildly beneath us and I opened my mouth in a silent scream as he teased aftershocks from me with his cock while relentlessly pursuing the orgasm that I had denied him.

Suddenly the bed underneath us shifted to one side, there was an ominous crack, followed by a loud crash. The mattress sagged at an odd angle and the bed made weird scraping noises as Adam fucked me. But he ignored it, his hands tightening on my hips and his breath stuttering.

When he came it was with a loud and brutal shout that sent vibrations through my entire body and made my scalp tingle. I loved when he was loud about it.

"Oh...fuck!" he yelled, holding me down tightly against him, giving me everything.

A few moments later, he was pulling my upper half back down to him, our sweat slicked bodies melding together, breathless and spent. Adam's hand came up to hold my head and stroke through my tousled hair. Then I heard his chest rumbling with laughter.

"I think," he said, smacking my ass one more time, "that we broke the bed, Julie."


	16. Pearls of Wisdom

"You're a man of many hidden talents, Mr. Sackler," I said teasingly as I sat cross-legged on the floor, drinking coffee watching him. "I wonder how many actors in New York have a circular saw and a workshop in their lofts?"

He replied, "It's a...what did you call me last night? Oh, a throwback."

I giggled and blushed, cupping my hands around the steaming cup of coffee and taking a sip. I was wearing nothing but a tee shirt of Adam's which, despite its size, barely covered my lap.

Adam was sitting shirtless amidst the wreckage of his bed, the mattress propped against a nearby wall. I had watched him for the last hour, cutting, sanding, and nailing. The replacement wood didn't exactly match the wood of the bedframe, but Adam only grinned at that and said every time he saw it, it would remind him of me.

"I don't think I'm the only one culpable here!" I teased.

"Well," he said pulling the last nail from his mouth, "you're gonna take the blame anyway like a good girl."

My insides clenched at his words and I felt all molten and soft. I took a moment to slowly sip my coffee and admire his naked flesh, the muscles and sinews of his back and arms, and the stirrings such a sight caused inside me. I shifted my position on the floor, setting my coffee down in front of me. I uncurled my legs and settled down on my stomach, chin propped on my hands. I bent my knees and crossed my ankles in the air behind me. Adam glanced over me and saw my change of position and eyed my circling feet, mid strike with the hammer.

"Ouch!" he yelled loud, jerking his hand back quickly. "God dammit!" He threw the hammer down and shook his hand in pain. "Shit!"

I was up in a flash and kneeling at his side, grabbing his hand. "Oh my God, Adam! What did you do?" I gasped worriedly.

He moaned convincingly. "I think I fucking broke it."

"Jesus, Adam!"

I examined his fingers and, finding no apparent injury, looked up at him and raised my eyebrows in mock concern.

"Oh no," I cried softly, lifting his hand to my mouth. "Which one's broken?"

"This one."

He shoved his middle finger into my mouth and began pulling it back and forth along my tongue. I made a little sound of dismay even as my eyes closed and I sucked gently on his long finger. He inserted his forefinger beside it.

"Maybe this one too," he murmured.

I moaned. "Poor baby," I mumbled around his fingers, glancing up at him.

His eyes had darkened as he watched me, the bed repair forgotten for the moment, and I knew that look. A corner of my mouth lifted in a little smile.

"Fuck, Julie," he muttered under his breath. He pulled his fingers out of my mouth.

Just as he was grabbing the back of my neck and pulling me in for a kiss, a loud knocking at the door caused us both to jump and spring apart.

"Shit!" he swore.

I smirked at him. "That's what you get for that dirty trick," I teased.

He unfolded his large frame and stood up, stepping over the bed frame and striding to the door. He didn't even look to see who it was, just flung the door open, a curse already on his lips to my great amusement.

"Who the fuck..." he began, then stopped. "Eve? What the fuck's wrong with you?"

I glanced over my shoulder and, sure enough, Eve was stepping into the apartment, her eyes red and wet from crying. I hurriedly got to my feet, pulling self-consciously at Adam's tee shirt, making sure I was decently covered.

"Eve!" I cried in surprise.

She stopped short at the sight of me in Adam's shirt and the demolished bed frame. Her mouth dropped.

"I'm sorry to intrude on you both like this, but..." she sniffed, her curiosity momentarily overcoming her distress. "What the hell happened here...?" She waved her hand at the wreckage, then shook her head and closed her eyes. "Never mind. I don't think I want to know."

Adam was behind her. "What's happened, Eve?" he asked.

She spun to face him. "It's Arthur," she said, her voice breaking. "He's retiring from the show...he's moving up to Maine. To be closer...to her!"

***

I moved about the kitchen, pouring Eve a cup of coffee while Adam leaned against the counter, arms crossed, a frown creasing his brow as Eve confessed everything to him that she had told me up at the cabin.

He squeezed his eyes shut and held up a hand. "Wait, wait...Erik's gay?" he asked, incredulous.

I rolled my eyes. "Adam, that's not what's important right now. Focus."

He was shaking his head. "Ok, I just...I mean he doesn't seem..."

"Adam, I could really do without your dated and misguided opinions. Besides, I didn't come over here to talk about that!" She looked from Adam to me, her eyes refilling with tears. "What am I going to do...without..."

I went to her and put an arm around her. "Eve, I'm so, so sorry."

She laughed bitterly. "It's not like I can even be angry with him. I knew he was married; I knew the fucking situation! It just...I didn't think it would hurt this bad!" Her face crumpled. "There's some dude from TMZ following me around. I think he got a picture of us. Shit! I don't think I can face everyone when they find out...I can't do this thing anymore. Adam, I...I think I might quit too."

I rubbed her shoulder comfortingly and tried to think of something to say.

"Stop, Eve," Adam remarked sternly. "It's not the end of the world."

We both glared at him.

"Adam..." I began.

He held up a hand to stop me. "No, wait," he rebutted in that same tone. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a gold coin which he flipped through his fingers a few times as if it helped him think. I had to study it for a moment to realize it was his sobriety chip. "Mind if I go a little sponsor on you?" he asked Eve almost shyly.

She sniffed and stared at the chip in hand, then her gaze flicked up to Adam and she shook her head with a tight little smile.

"Ok," He set the chip down and ran a hand through his hair. "So, everyone's born with a certain set of feelings. Some are deeper than others, but for everyone, there's that ground zero. The maximum depth. When the absolute worst things that can happen to you do happen. And it feels so big and so awful that you don't think you'll ever come back from it. And you just wanna say 'fuck it' to the rest of the world." 

Eve nodded, her arms crossed protectively, her mouth turning down unhappily as if willing herself not to cry.

Adam continued, "Well, Eve, this isn't it," he said bluntly.

Eve looked at him, stricken, questioningly. Adam stood in front of Eve and reached up to take her face between his hands to make her look at him.

"It's gonna hit you, that maybe this is just life's way of keeping you from going over a cliff; a way of ending the cycle of repetitive fucking destruction," he said softly. "Eve, Arthur is doing you a favor...he's trying to give you your life and your dignity back. He's doing this because he loves you. The last thing he'd want is to see you throw away everything you've accomplished."

I just stood there staring at Adam, stunned. Was this the same man who had shamelessly begged me not to leave him last night? And before that acted the Neanderthal? He was such a paradox. I could see, though that his words were having an affect on Eve. And I wondered dimly if he ever took his own advice.

Adam stroked down her hair again looking deep into her eyes. "Arthur needs to see you holding your head high and he knew you couldn't if this thing between you continued."

Eve's face crumpled and she fell forward into Adam's chest. "There's never gonna be another like him!" she sobbed.

Adam looked over at me as he stroked Eve's hair. "Yes, there will," he said, his eyes locking with mine. "And the right one...you'll see."

***

The following Monday, I arrived at Studio C to film some extra scenes and re-shoot some that didn't go very well last week. I was early and the only other member of the cast there was Arthur. He spied me immediately and began to walk over. I bit my lip, unsure how to speak to him after the Eve breakdown this weekend.

Arthur, perceptive as always, noticed my expression right away. "Ah," he said, coming to stand close to me. "I can see by your pained look you've been speaking to Eve."

I nodded, trying to be diplomatic. "It's not really any of my business..."

"But she's your friend," Arthur interrupted. "And I'm glad. What I'm doing may seem cruel and caddish, but it's the only right thing to do. You see that don't you Julie?"

I gave him a small sad smile and thought about what Adam had said. Ground zero. I guessed Arthur had found his. "I suppose you're right," I conceded.

Arthur's eyes brightened. "I have a treat for you, though. No doubt Sharon and Saul, our producer will discuss with you, but I convinced them to write a last minute scene for Angela. One in which she sings!" He winked at me.

I blushed in amazement and laughed. "Arthur, wow. You didn't have to do that for me...I was content to..."

Arthur held up a hand. "It's nothing big...something in line with Angela's character. But you never know when a Broadway producer might be listening," he said conspiratorially. "And after your charming performance the other night..."

"Fuck Broadway," said a familiar deep voice, and Adam was right behind me.

I started and turned to look at him, but he was staring hard at Arthur. He slipped an arm around me and pulled me to him.

"Julie's place is here, with me...with us," he amended. "With the show." He kissed my forehead soundly. "I'm gonna see to it she renews her contract."

I saw Arthur's face darken slightly, his blue eyes becoming positively glacial as they looked at Adam. I felt a tightness in my chest, but I ignored that and when Adam was called away by Sharon, Arthur leaned toward me, his eyes troubled.

"Be careful with that one," he warned. "I know you're thinking I'm hardly fit to be advising anyone on their love life, but for God's sake, I like you a lot, Julie. You're a great kid, with loads of talent and a brain and you'll go places." He gently laid a hand on my shoulder and drew me slightly towards him. "So please, take me seriously when I say be careful."

Arthur's gaze went over my shoulder to where Adam stood chatting to Sharon and then he turned and walked away before I could think of anything to say.


	17. Birdland

The number Angela ended up singing in the seventh episode was a sultry pop song from the 90's and I was able to really showcase my voice to its fullest. I admit I was a little insufferable when the praise and compliments piled in. I only had to do two takes for Sharon to be satisfied and Arthur gave me the A-OK sign with his hand.

The scene was set in a bar and for the shoot we used O'Reilly's Pub just a few blocks from studio C. Angela was to sing the song to Jason, so of course Matt was there and the way he beamed at me as I sang told me it wasn't entirely acting.

From then it wasn't long before I got a phone call that would change everything.

***

Adam looked at me skeptically as I touched up my hair which was arranged in soft, loose curls around my face.

"Harry Cole?" he asked crossing his arms. "Harry Cole just called you up out of the blue and asked you to come sing at Birdland?"

I smiled at him in the mirror as I reached for my lipstick. "Well, not exactly. He was one of the extras in the bar scene. You know, at O'Reilly's?" I carefully applied the lipstick that matched my fuchsia lace dress. "Like a clever cameo...you know."

Adam's eyes darkened as they traveled up and down my scantily clad form. "This has Blunt's fingerprints all over it," he stated.

I spun around and laughed incredulously at him. "Adam, for God's sake you sound like a film noir character!" I shook my head, still smiling. "What's wrong with you?"

He took a step near me. "You don't think this feels a little contrived?"

I shrugged one shoulder. "Not really...it's one night."

Adam's eyes drank me in, they were on my lips, my hair, my cleavage which the dress displayed rather nicely, then locked with mine. "I talked to Mark Silva about your contract." He was staring at me hungrily.

I swallowed trying not to let him distract me with that gaze. I frowned. "Don't you think it should be me talking to him? I'm sure if he wants to renew it..."

"But you weren't, Julie," Adam interrupted me. "You weren't talking to him. It kind of makes me think you don't want to do the show next season."

My mouth dropped. "Adam, of course I do!" I reached up and touched the lapel of his jacket. "It's all I think about." I smirked a little, running my hand up and down the fabric. "Well, besides you, of course."

That brought a smile to those pretty, pouty lips. He reached into the pocket of his jacket and pulled a small box out. "That reminds me...I got something for you."

My eyes went from the box to him. "Adam," I said smiling slowly. "You didn't have to..."

He opened the box and I gasped at the sparkling pair of diamond studs in their bed of black velvet. They had to be two carats each. I had never had such an extravagant gift in my life. My mouth open in astonishment, I glanced back up at him, his self-satisfied smile as he gently removed the studs from their box.

"Take those off," he said nodding to the simple gold hoops in my ears.

I did as I was told, hands shaking and giddy with excitement. "My God, Adam," I murmured. "I can't even...it's too much...you..."

He shushed me and I stood still as he brushed my hair back and put the studs into place, his large hands surprisingly deft at this delicate job. When he was done, I looked in the mirror and turned my head this way and that to make the studs catch the light. They were truly stunning.

I turned to face Adam. "I don't know what to say," I gushed. "I've never had anything so beautiful in my life! I love them!"

He lowered his head to mine and I stood up on my tip toes to kiss him. The second our lips touched I felt that familiar thrill and my body began responding to him with remembered pleasure. I stepped up onto his shoes, the better to reach that consuming mouth of his. The moment I did, his hands went to my ass and scooped me up against him. I could feel his arousal pressing into me and I broke off them kiss reluctantly.

"Adam," I murmured against his lips, for he was not letting me go. "The time..."

His eyes opened and flicked briefly to the clock on my wall, but he kept kissing me. "You have plenty of time," he mumbled between kisses.

Turning with me in his arms, he started for the door.

"I just remembered something," he said huskily.

Something hot and aching bloomed in my lower belly as I realized what he was doing. He carried me through the door and out onto the third story landing. Only then did he set me down and turn me to face the stair rail.

"Adam, no!" I cried, giggling. "We can't."

He was already bunching the tight skirt of my dress up and over my ass. He lowered his lips to my ear and bit the lobe. I could hear his teeth clinking against the diamond stud and it drove me even more wild. "You said the stairwell of your apartment," he whispered nearly sending me into spasms then and there.

"What if someone comes...?" I asked in a panic

Adam chuckled and yanked my lace thong down. "Oh, someone will," His voice melted over me like candle wax. "I promise."

"Christ!" I yelped as his fingers slid into my slick center from behind. I leaned over the railing and my high heels pushed my hips obscenely high and Adam hummed his appreciation as he ran his large hand over the curve of my naked ass. I shivered in apprehension and arousal when he kicked my legs apart. His hand once again delved between my legs, and I gasped when he pushed two fingers unerringly inside me. I pushed back against his talented hand, rolling my hips, moaning when he hit my sweet spot repeatedly

"That's right, Julie," he whispered, grabbing my curls in his hand and winding them around his hand. "Fuck my fingers you nasty little bitch in heat."

I moaned in agony, the wave building slowly and steadily inside me. Just a few more...suddenly his fingers were gone. I cried out in dismay. "No!"

But he only said, "Hold on tight. I'm gonna fuck you hard."

I braced myself, my hands clasping the rail tightly not a moment too soon. As soon as he had freed his cock, Adam was slamming into me, ramming the walls of my sex until the tears came to my eyes. The movement sent my upper half over the rail and I tightened my grip. His hand fisting in my hair, Adam yanked me back and whispered filthy things into my ear.

"I know how girls like you are," he rasped, his breath blowing short and rapid in my ear. "You act like you don't want anyone to know what a slut you are but deep down you wish someone would catch you. Don't you, Julie?" He jerked my hair when I didn't answer. "Don't you?"

"Yes!" I gasped.

"Yes, what?" he asked, his voice hitching as he thrust into me.

"Yes, I want to get caught fucking my TV star boyfriend on my stairwell like a horny slut!"

Adam groaned in approval. "You're a slutty girl, Julie." He was barely in control, his hips churning against my ass. "You're fucking late. I'm gonna come inside you and you don't have time to wash up, baby. You know what that means?"

I closed my eyes and bit my lip as he murmured the inevitable.

"It means, Julie, that you're gonna be standing up there on that stage singing with my come running down your thighs."

The climax that had been building earlier was on the verge of exploding through my body and at his words I lost it. My eyesight blurred, the world seemed to blink out of existence as the orgasm shattered me and melted my bones. I could hear Adam lose it just then and he came with a loud growl followed by soft cursing. His hands grabbed my hips, squeezing them bruising them, fingers flexing, digging into my soft flesh as he held me still against him.

Eventually, he loosened his grip and I slowly straightened, tugging down my skirt silently and I could hear him tucking himself away. I turned and without a word, grabbed his wrist and looked at his watch. Fuck. I looked up at him in despair. His hair was mussed and his face was smug as if he wasn't the least bit sorry.

***

I fixed my makeup in the cab on the way to Manhattan. I patted my curls for the hundredth time, praying they weren't as messy as they felt. Adam rode beside me, stoic and not speaking. He had reverted back to his moody and silent mode. I felt his eyes on me the entire time but I couldn't look at him. I had to focus on what I was doing.

The club was packed when we arrived. Arthur was there and Harry Cole, a slender-built man about my height, black hair, slick and pomaded within an inch of its life, but a commanding presence nonetheless. He wore a dark suit and tie and the unmistakable air of "I'm the fucking boss" about him; and he was looking none too pleased with my tardiness. I had not made a good first impression and a tiny sliver of annoyance at Adam marred what would have been my good mood.

Harry came up to us. "Well, finally decided to show up?" he asked in a sharp New Jersey accent.

I gulped. "I'm so sorry, Mr. Cole. The subway..."

He shook his head. "I don't need to hear it. What I needed to hear was you, crooning from that stage. Forty five minutes ago." 

He spun on his heel and marched off in the direction of the bar. 

"But..."

Adam nudged me. "Better get up there, sweetheart," he whispered teasingly.

I sang my set in front of the red curtains and with the accompaniment of the greatest house jazz band in the world. I opened with a sassy Honeysuckle Rose which brought the crowd to their feet and closed with a sultry The Man That Got Away, a sexy saxophone in duet with me. The applause was deafening. It was amazing how fast an hour went by. This was what people came to Birdland for...classic and new jazz and tonight they were eating me up. It was heady. I was still smiling hugely as I came down from the stage to rejoin Adam when Arthur was suddenly there blocking my way.

"Julie! How could blow a golden opportunity like this?" he asked in disbelief. "Of all nights...Jerry Marks and Cecily Golay were here earlier. To see you!"

I stepped back in disbelief, my eyes wide and my stomach falling. "The...the Broadway producers?" I asked faintly. 

"Yes!" Arthur said. "Eve told me how much Broadway meant to you and when Harry asked you to sing here tonight, I thought it would be a golden opportunity for you." His eyes went to Adam who was suddenly standing beside me. "They come here every Saturday night from seven until eight. They left not ten minutes before you showed up! Did you not know?"

I blinked in astonishment and shook my head as if trying to clear it. I had built this night up in my mind and now was suddenly coming down from my singing high; I had missed out on what could have been a life-changing opportunity. My mouth went dry and I doubted I could have sung at that moment even if I had to. My hand went to one of the diamond earrings in my ears, and I turned slowly to look at Adam.

His face was set, lips a firm line, giving nothing away. Except those watchful, broody eyes that seemed to stare straight into me. 

My mouth worked as I tried to form the question I did not want to ask. "Did you know?" I finally said, my voice higher and more vulnerable sounding than I would have liked. 

Adam did not answer me but he looked both guilty and unrepentant. How did he manage that?

Arthur spoke up behind me. "Of course he knew. Eve told him."

I spun to look at Arthur and felt a cold punch of betrayal in my gut, and those heavy studs in my ears suddenly weighed a ton and that damn slippery wetness between my thighs reminded me truly of what a fool and a slut I was. In a panic I darted for the door. I had to put as much space between me and this place...and him...as I could.


	18. Divas

My stiletto heels didn't allow for fast running but I did have a head start on Adam as I skittered out onto the side walk outside the club and looked frantically, tear-blinded, for a cab. I began walking, my mind spinning, halfway on finding a ride and halfway on what had happened tonight. I should have fucking known.

"Julie!"

I rolled my eyes and kept going, my heels making sharp staccato noises on the pavement. There, I saw a cab and rushed towards it. I slipped inside and gave my address. We pulled away from the curb just as Adam ran up to the window. I heard him curse but I sat resolutely back in the seat, determined not to cry. At least not until I got home.

Forty minutes later, the cab pulled up in front of my building. I gave the driver all the cash I had in my tiny clutch and it must have been barely enough for he didn't say anything, just grunted and drove off almost before I was clear of the curb. I didn't care. I pulled off my stupid heels and, carrying them in one hand, sprinted up the three stories to my apartment.

Once inside I flung the shoes at the foot of the bed where they bounced off in two different directions and I threw myself facedown in the pillows. But suddenly I didn't feel like crying although tears had been threatening for the last hour. I was angry. I just wanted to scream and hit someone...I knew who. Predictably, not fifteen minutes after I got home, I heard him. He just walked in and I cursed myself for not locking the door.

"Julie!" he called. His footsteps carried over to my bed.

I was glad the tears hadn't come. I didn't need tears right now, I needed raw anger and rage. I rolled to my back and sat up, glaring at him standing at the foot of my bed. "What the fuck are you doing in my apartment?" I demanded.

"Julie are you gonna scream at me some more or are you gonna let me talk?" he asked with infuriating patience. 

"I don't have to listen to anything you say, Adam!" I shouted. "I know exactly what happened tonight. You knew there would be people there tonight. People to hear me sing and maybe, just maybe give me an opportunity to be on Broadway!" I shook my head in disbelief at him. "But you decided I shouldn't have that opportunity. Not even the opportunity to say no!"

He was shaking his head. "That's not true, Julie..."

"The hell it isn't!" I cried. "The whole thing is just your style, Adam. You like to use sex and..." my hands went to the earrings in my ears. "Fucking baubles to get your way!"

I began taking the studs out. Adam put an hand over mine. 

"Julie, don't do that."

But I had the earrings out and was standing up, shoving the pair of them into Adam's jacket pocket. "There. Maybe they'll work on some other idiot. This one's retired from being made fool of!"

"Stop being a fucking diva, Julie!" 

My eyebrows shot up and I laughed crazily. "The only 'fucking diva' here is you, Adam Sackler!" I yelled. I threw my hand out in emphasis. "You have to have your fucking way in everything...you're such a goddamn control freak! You certainly don't care about me!"

He put up a finger in my face. "That's not true, Julie and you fucking know it!"

I batted his hand away. "I can't believe it...so many people warned me about you and I saw the red flags the first day I met you but I just plunged in, eyes shut! I've never been such an idiot..." I broke off feeling the tears rising to the surface. I did not want to cry in front of him. Once I had mastered myself I took a deep breath. "I was doing just fine without you," I murmured my eyes finding his. 

His eyes darkened and looked almost crazed. It scared me. "You were huh?" he asked, the coldness in his voice startling me.

I put my hands on my hips and nodded meeting his eyes although my heart was splintering in two. 

"You liked struggling, standing in endless lines for auditions, and winning secondary parts?" he asked, his voice rough and gravelly. 

"That's not what this is about, Adam," I said quietly, still stunned he wasn't getting it. 

"The fuck it isn't, Julie!" he shouted, stepping closer to me. "Who do you think got you the role in the show? Who saw to it your agent heard about it? John Grissom saw three girls audition, Julie! Three! And he didn't think twice...he picked you almost immediately. Why do you think that was?"

I frowned at him, realization dawning. "So, you're saying you've been manipulating my career since you saw me in Diamonds?" I asked. I laughed, incredulous. "And that's supposed to make me feel better?"

He looked away in frustration. "No! Just...fuck, Julie. I..." He ran a hand through his hair and looked down.

"Well?" I demanded. "What? What do you have to say?" I sighed. "Are you mad I'm not prostrating myself in gratitude before you for getting me the job on your show? I guess you're pretty used to pulling strings, Adam, but did it ever occur to you that a person might just want to make it on their own merit? Did you think me incapable?"

Adam lifted his soulful brown eyes to mine and his face softened. "No, Julie. God...damn, no. I never thought that." He paused and came towards me.

I backed away. "Just tell me...just answer me straightforward," I said. "Did you know Marks and Golay were going to be at Birdland tonight and did you make us late on purpose?"

His eyes moved frantically over my face and for the first time I saw him as he was. Desperately afraid of losing something or someone he wanted to hold on to. Me. And I knew he'd do whatever it took to hold on to me, even if it wasn't what I wanted. My heart fell. I crossed my arms and looked at him.

He lowered his head and reached into his trouser pocket. He turned away from me and stalked over to the window, his hand working in his pocket nervously. I realized he was flipping his sobriety chip over and over in his fingers. He slowly began to nod and turned back to face me. 

"Yes," he admitted quietly, "I did."

I let out a pent up breath I didn't know I was holding. I uncrossed my arms, my eyes staring unhappily at the floor. Neither of us spoke for a long time. I glanced to see him nervously chewing his bottom lip and flipping that coin, over and over. I glanced away and slightly shook my head. 

"No I didn't like struggling and standing in endless lines for auditions and winning secondary roles," I said quietly. "But at least that felt honest compared to this."

I saw him raise his head and look at me out of my peripheral but I couldn't look at him. He came towards me but I moved swiftly to the door keeping my eyes on the floor, knowing if I met his gaze it would all crack and crumble for me. My newfound fortitude. I needed it, now more than ever. I opened the door.

"Goodbye, Adam."

He paused just next to me and I startled slightly when his hand touched my waist.

"Julie...I'm sorry."

"No," I said, keeping my eyes on his shoes. "Just go. Don't call me, don't text, don't come over, and don't send Eve with messages." I pulled the door wider as if to emphasize my meaning. "I just want you to go."

I heard him swallow and he took his hand from my waist and put it around the door. "That's the way you want it, kid?" he asked huskily.

I nodded, still avoiding his eyes. "That's the way I want it, sultan."

He hesitated a fraction of a second before accepting my resolve then quickly dipping his head toward mine. I turned my head at the last minute and his kiss landed on the corner of my mouth. He drew away and left hurriedly, pulling the door shut behind him. I leaned my forehead heavily on the closed door and then, like a thunderhead breaking, the tears came swift and harsh, and the sobs racked my body as I slumped to the floor.


	19. Chain of Fools

I was on the phone with Tracy when I heard the knock at the door. 

"Tracy, I want to do the film, I mean I need to do the film but...damn, why are they shooting it in Alaska?" I was saying as I went to the door.

Flinging it open I saw another delivery guy standing there with a long white box under his arm. "Julie Landor?" he asked with a Bronx accent.

I cradled the phone between my head and shoulder, nodding and rolling my eyes while Tracy prattled on. I couldn't send them back like I had the last three so I just wearily accepted them. The fourth bouquet he had sent that week.

"Thanks," I told the man absently. I closed the door and dropped the box on the floor. "There's open auditions for this Steven Sondheim musical and I really want to do it. There might be a timing conflict."

I heard Tracy hum on the other end of the line. "Well, have you decided whether or not to take Silva up on his offer for the next season?"

I bit my lip. Mark Silva had called me the day after I had thrown Adam out and he said he had drawn up a new contract. I wanted to sign, but I wondered how much of it was Adam and how much was Silva. I had told him I would think about it. That was a week ago. I glanced in annoyance at the large white box sitting on my apartment floor. 

"I haven't decided yet, Tracy," I finally answered.

Tracy took a deep breath. "Well, better make up your mind quick, Julie. Silva's not known for his patience."

Exactly. I knew that. Which was why his kid glove handling of me was so suspicious. God damn Adam Sackler. I fumed as I ended the call with Tracy and stomped over to the box. Snatching it up I slammed it down on my coffee table and was tearing it open when another knock came at my door.

"Nobody's home," I called out irritably.

The door opened and Eve sailed in with a carrier of take out coffee and a brown paper bag. My mouth dropped.

She smiled brightly. "Surprise!"

I stared at her without speaking then went back to opening the box of unwanted roses. Eve gingerly stepped over my legs and sat down next to me on the new couch I had just bought. She set the coffee and the paper bag down and cleared her throat.

"Well," she said as I lifted the dozen red roses out, "someone has a secret admirer."

I let the roses fall back into their box and looked at Eve. "You know very well who they're from and they're the fourth ones he's sent this week." I got up and carried the roses over to the kitchen sink and rummaged in my cabinet for something appropriate to put them in. "And if you've come over here as his ambassador, you can just head straight back out, Eve." I found an old vase and ran water into it. "Because I'm not listening."

Eve splayed a hand over her chest. "I am not Adam Sackler's ambassador!" she exclaimed. "And frankly Julie I am insulted that you would say that! I do not run errands for that cretin."

I gave her a wry look. "Sure, Eve."

She sat back and took a sip of her coffee, then said nonchalantly, "Even if he is stupid in love with you and going crazy because you're all he thinks about...you did the right thing. The only thing any self-respecting woman could do."

I slammed the vase down angrily. "The only one Adam is in love with is himself!"

Eve set her cup down and came over to me. "You're right, Julie," she said, shaking her head. "He's just being dramatic. Typical Adam."

"Ha!" I laughed. "Dramatic doesn't even begin to cover it! He is a lying, manipulative, selfish, arrogant, sex maniac, control freak."

Eve nodded. "Yes, he is."

I raised my brows in surprise. "Good, glad you agree," I said, mindlessly arranging the roses and dipping my head to sniff one. "Now can we change the subject?"

Eve threw her hands up. "Fine by me," she replied. "I didn't bring Adam up anyway."

"You..." I started, then stopped. Did she or did I? What the fuck did it matter? I shook my head. "He's crazy if he thinks what he did was ok."

Even nodded. "I totally agree, Julie. I mean I can certainly see why you'd be pissed. He is a stinker." She shook her head. "Fucking creep. The way he stared at you when he saw you in that play...then couldn't stop talking about you afterwards and mooning over you like some hormonal teenage boy. I told him to chill!" She laughed. "He even called around to find out who your agent was. Just some real creeper shit, in my opinion. All to be be near you and advance your career. What a fucking weirdo. You're well rid of him, Julie." She paused, studying the roses and shrugged. "Of course, if a man went to those lengths for me...just to meet me, give me a stellar acting opportunity, found me an apartment, pulled the strings he pulled, especially after..." She stopped then frowned. "Oh, well never mind, you don't want to hear all that. Just saying, I'd be flattered even lucky, but then, I'm an older woman." 

"Not much older," I said quietly, picturing Adam watching me perform onstage, those eyes following my every move. I looked at her funny. "What do you mean he's going crazy?"

"Nothing," she said decidedly. "Forget that asshole. You have something better now...your pride is still intact." She patted my hand. "Now, I really have to go. But there is one more thing...you know the first episode premiers Friday night? And we're having that little party at Sharon's place in Long Island. You're coming right?"

I had been frowning, listening to what Eve was saying, but pasted a faint smile on. "I wouldn't miss it!"

"Good! Good, because, uh...you know Adam will be there. And I just wanted to make sure you'd still come."

I rolled my eyes. "You wanted to make sure or he did?" I asked tersely.

"Me, of course!" Eve said indignantly. "I told you I don't do favors for that dipshit."

"Good!" I cried a little too forcefully. "Because I am fine with seeing him at Sharon's! He could walk in that door right now and I would feel absolutely nothing. Adam is a like a...a...a fucking virus. I've had him, I'm over him, I'm immune to him." I glanced at her as I continued arranging my roses.

Her eyes were on the deep red velvety blooms. "That's great, Julie! I'm so glad you're looking at it that way. I approve, one-hundred percent!" She tilted her head to one side and pointed to the roses. "That color red looks stunning with your complexion and hair, Julie!"

I stopped messing with the roses and looked up at her, a perplexed frown creasing my brow. "I have an audition this afternoon, Eve, so I hate to..."

Eve raised her brows in interest and her eyes sparkled. "Oh, yeah? Where?"

I opened my mouth then shut it and smirked. "Uh-uh," I said shaking my head. "I am not giving my battle secrets away to an enemy spy."

She just laughed, grabbed her coffee and flounced to the door. "Julie, you're such a diva. Enjoy your pastry! And break a leg!" She waggled two fingers at me in goodbye and went out.

I huffed in annoyance and rubbed my temples. Eve had left a nagging headache behind in her wake. 

***

Friday night I was standing in front of the mirror debating how to wear my hair. My dress was new. I had bought that day on a whim and something about it just drew me. It was a deep red velvet sheath with a high neck, sleeveless. I opted for an up-do since the dress was backless. I touched up my makeup, grabbed my clutch and hurried out to the waiting cab. 

I settled in the back seat of the cab and tried to tell myself that my nerves were from the audition earlier that week, not the prospect of seeing Adam. That he was not the reason for my flushed cheeks and the heat creeping up my neck and the slight nausea. I stared out the window and tried to think about how my audition went.

I arrived at the Greene's modern beachfront home the same time as Matt and he did a double take when he saw me. "Looking hot tonight, Julie!" 

I felt my cheeks grow redder. "Not too much?" I asked as we walked to the open patio doors. 

Matt grinned wolfishly. "Not for me!" he replied.

We were welcomed by Sharon and her husband Jude. Mark Silva was there as well as John Grissom and even Agnes, looking surly and bored in her black body con dress and ever present Docs. I tried not to look for him but it was no use. The minute we entered Sharon's spacious living room filled with cast and crew from The Chemist all drinking wine or some other type of spirits, my eyes sought him out.

The moment I spotted him, standing next to Eve while she chattered away and he stared desultorily into a cup of coffee, my heart skipped and I quickly looked away. But from the corner of my eye I saw him look up at me and straighten slightly. Shit. I looked around. Where was Matt? I breathed a sigh of relief when Sharon's husband, Jude, a tall bespectacled man with a warm laugh and ever present smile appeared at my side.

He pressed a glass of amber-colored liquid into my hand. "Twelve-year-old McCallan," he said with a wink. 

I smiled and thanked him and turned hurriedly away, taking a quick sip. I had to find Matt...or somebody, before...

"Julie."

My hand jerked, nearly splashing my velvet dress with scotch. Gritting my teeth I turned around and nearly spilled the drink a second time on him he was standing so close to me. I had to admit to myself he looked amazing in his dark gray button down and light gray tie. I glanced up briefly at those soulful eyes that were the same color as the drink in my hand, before focusing my attention on the knot in his tie. Anywhere but those eyes.

"Adam," I said, congratulating myself for my voice not cracking. I looked down to take another sip of my drink...anything to not look at him...and took a subtle step back putting some space between us. 

"How did your audition go?"

I made a little sound of annoyance and looked down at the ice in my glass. Of course Eve would have told him. I nodded, swirling the ice cubes around idly. "It went well, thanks," I murmured.

"Did you get the flowers?"

His voice was doing things to me. I tried to breathe deeply to calm my nerves but that only intoxicated me on his scent. Goddamn him. I nodded taking another step back. "You really need to..." I swallowed and steeled myself to look up into his eyes and plunged ahead as if I was ripping off a band-aid. "You really need to stop sending them."

He frowned like I had spoken a foreign language then his lips turned down in a slight pout but he ignored my statement. "You still won't talk to me?"

"I'm talking to you now," I said, looking down and taking another sip of my scotch.

He closed the distance I had created between us. "I mean alone."

I shook my head vigorously. "No," I said, staring into my empty glass and wishing there was more. "I don't want to."

"Julie," he said almost admonishingly. He took the glass from me and set it down on a table.

I followed his hand with my eyes as he set the glass down then looked up at him in annoyance. I crossed my arms and sighed. I was only slightly aware there was a party going on around us, laughter and jokes and sly innuendoes followed by nudges and winks. People having fun. And then me and Adam in our separate bubble of anguish. 

He reached for my hand but I slipped it out of his grasp before he could take it. I felt his eyes on me. "Please?" he asked softly, drawing the word out as if he was in pain.

I rolled my eyes and groaned softly as I turned towards the open patio door in a wordless invitation. I didn't know where I was going but there were fewer people out here. As I left the noise of the party behind I was hyperaware of Adam following behind me. I glanced over my shoulder at him and our eyes met briefly.

I hoped desperately I wasn't adding another link to my chain of bad decisions.


	20. Lead Me Not...

The wooden walkway which led down to the beach from Sharon's back patio was weathered and water stained and creaked pleasantly under my feet. A cool breeze from the bay loosened some of my hair from its twist. I could have enjoyed all these details had my heart not been beating wildly and my hands trembling. I reached the end of the walkway and leaned against one of the railings. The night was lit by a full moon, so we weren't in complete darkness as the house was lost from sight this far down the beach.

Adam, his hands in his pockets joined me, his eyes avidly running up and down me as if he was memorizing my every detail. I crossed my arms and faced him.

"You look very beautiful tonight," he said.

It was not the thing I had expected to hear him say first thing. It disarmed me and he knew it, damn him. I swallowed and looked away in annoyance. "Thanks," I said through gritted teeth. "But I'm sure that's not what you wanted to be alone to tell me."

He took a step towards me and I took a step back, forcing a calm coolness I did not feel. My drama coaches would have applauded me. The only problem was the unyielding rail at the small of my back.

"Julie what do I have to do?"

I shook my head. "You've done...enough." I threw my hands out. "I mean, do you think I'm enjoying this?"

"No," he replied promptly. "Neither am I."

"You'll get over it."

He ran a hand through his hair. "I don't want to get over it, Julie. I want you back. I want to go back to the way we were." He looked at me with an almost fanatical gleam in his eyes, his emotions rising. "I fucked up but, goddamn it, Julie you are making me fucking crazy. I want to call you, I want to come over and see you and I can't..."

"I don't want someone I can't trust, Adam," I declared, my heart breaking into pieces as I rejected him again. "You've broken my trust and you've manipulated..."

"Jesus, Julie...is this what you do?" he broke in. "You hang on to shit forever? Even though you and I both know you don't want to? How fucked is that?"

My mouth dropped at his audacity...and clarity. "You have a lot of nerve...and you're making a ton of assumptions about me! If I wanted to be in a relationship, which I don't, it wouldn't be with a self-centered, manipulative ass."

His face blanched. "I didn't know you could be cruel, Julie."

I stuck out my chin. "Do you deny you're any of those things?"

He gestured to me. "You're in denial too. The only reason you're acting this way is because you're too proud to admit I hurt your ego." He backpedaled when he saw my face and put up his hands defensively. "And I'm sorry for that, Julie, but..."

I gawked at him. "God, even your apologies are backhanded, Adam!"

"Julie, you know what I mean." His eyes searched mine in the dark and then he played his last card. "You said you were in love with me."

My lower lip trembled, and a wave of heat washed over my face. How could he throw that up at me now? Especially when he didn't reciprocate? I pushed off from the rail and started to walk back up the path to the house.

"Well forgive me for being the impulsive immature little bitch that I am!" I shouted over my shoulder.

I could hear Adam's footsteps behind me and then his hand grabbed my arm and swung me around, slamming me into his massive chest. Before I knew what was happening, he took my face in his hands and paused for a second, as if giving me a chance to stop him. I didn't.

I tried so hard not to respond but I couldn't deny the rush of desire, the familiar flood of warmth and I dropped my purse to the ground and reached for his waist pulling myself against him. When our lips met it was not the usual frantic coupling; it was soft, slow and sensuous. My tongue dived into his mouth and was met by his, then he was slanting his lips over mine, deepening the kiss. I tightened my arms around his waist, unable to get as close as I wanted. I could feel his warm flesh under his shirt, but I wanted so much more...I wanted his naked skin on mine. I craved his hands, those fingers that were digging into my scalp; I needed them all over me.

"You did miss me," he mumbled against my lips before claiming them again, taking my breath away.

I just made a noise of agreement in the back of my throat.

He stole away all my sense when reached for the pins in my hair and carelessly pulled them out, and I heard them dropping on the boardwalk with tiny little metallic plinks. I moaned against his lips as my hair tumbled down my back and he threaded his long fingers through it, then twisted it around his hand. Our mouths continued to work against each other, tongues dueling when I reached up and tugged on his tie, loosening the knot. I shushed the voice in my head telling me to stop. Once his tie was loose, I started on the buttons of his shirt.

Adam's hands moved around to my bare back and began fumbling with the dress' fastening at my nape. I felt it part little by little and then fall open. I pressed my chest more firmly against him, not ready to give up just yet; I wasn't wearing a bra under the dress and he knew it. I slid my hands inside his shirt, along his satiny, bare skin of his chest and shoulders, loving the way his muscles bunched and moved under my hands.

Adam quickly scooped me up, holding me against him, his arm beneath my ass and moved us off the boardwalk and into some nearby vegetation where he laid me down. I felt soft sand beneath me, and I watched, my lower belly clenching as he stripped off his shirt and I feasted my eyes on his broad beautiful chest. He leaned down to kiss me again, pulling the top of my dress down as he did. His warm, huge hands covered my breasts, teasing my nipples, squeezing and massaging. I moaned and bucked my hips against him. He leaned up and I reached for his belt. He pushed my skirt up to my waist and slipped his fingers into my soaking wet core.

"Jesus, Julie," he moaned, working first one, then two fingers into me.

"Adam," I urged him much to my shame, "just...please. Now."

He didn't need any more encouragement. I sighed with relief and pleasure when he pushed his entire length inside me. Goddamn me but I had missed this. He encircled me with him arms and pulled me close to him while he moved against me. I wrapped my legs around him and cried out when I came too soon. It was all too much and not enough. I bit his shoulder and he came inside me with soft grunt and whispered curse. We continued clinging, sweat slicked and hot, breathing heavily, coming down from our frenzied coupling slowly, aftershocks and waves pent up from the last two weeks crashing over us.

Adam, his muscular arm wrapped around my naked shoulders, kissed the side of my face. "Julie, I'm going down to the Keys for six weeks. I'm signed to do small indie film with this new director. Come with me. Please."

I turned my head towards him and drew back to look at him. It was so tempting... 

I started to reply when my phone started vibrating. I broke away from Adam, thanking my lucky stars that a distraction had presented itself. I quickly did up my dress and smoothed down my skirt and stood. I heard Adam grunt in annoyance and begin making himself decent while I reached for my tiny purse laying on the ground. With trembling fingers I retrieved my phone.

"H-hello?" I said in a trembling voice.

"Ms. Landor?" said an unfamiliar female voice.

I swallowed hard. "Yes? Yes, that's me," I replied.

"This is June Harcourt, we met the other day at the Evening Primrose auditions. I'm calling about the part."

I nearly dropped the phone and spun to face Adam. He was looking at me with the alertness of a stalking tiger while he re-knotted his tie.

"Oh! Yes!" I said eagerly.

"Well, the producers and music director and I have been meeting and doing call backs and we think you're just what we need for Ella."

I gulped. "Oh, you mean you need an understudy?"

"No, Ms. Landor," she said with a little laugh. "We're offering you the role of Ella. The starring role."

"What?" I squeaked.

I raised my eyes to Adam's in disbelief. I could tell he was frantic by the look in eyes, not knowing what was going on and dying to ask me.

"We'll need you to report for readings, rehearsals and costume fittings next Monday and we'll rehearse for eight weeks, then the premier is on December twelfth." She paused. "So, can we expect you?"

My mouth worked in excitement and I couldn't form words at first. "Yes!" I cried. "Absolutely!"

When the call ended, I tucked my phone away and looked at Adam, my eyes were shining with tears. "I got the part," I half whispered. "I got the lead role in Evening Primrose. We start rehearsals next week then the premier is December twelfth."

I wasn't sure why I was telling him all this. But as I did, I watched his face darken and I stopped. Adam looked as if he was trying to come up with an appropriate response and then he finally settled on an old standard.

"Congratulations, kid."

He turned and started walking away. My mouth hung open in shock. What the fuck? I had just gotten my biggest break ever and he was just going to walk after after fucking me stupid and act like it was nothing? 

I followed him and put a staying hand on his arm. "Wait!" I cried in astonishment. "That's all you have to say?"

He looked exasperated. "What do you want me to say, Julie?"

I frowned my heart falling. "You could be happy for me! My God, are you that into yourself that you can't even be happy that I got something I wanted without your help?"

Adam's stony face suddenly came to life with fury. "Oh, you've got it all fucking twisted, Julie! You're the one so wrapped up in yourself that you didn't even stop to think about the fucking show! We start shooting again on December twelfth!"

I took a step back, bit my lip and looked at him sadly. "I'm sorry, Adam," I said quietly

Adam stared at me, his eyes like daggers until realization dawned. He looked furious. "You mean you never intended to come back if it conflicted with your Broadway aspirations." He began rubbing his forehead like I was the biggest headache in the world. "You told me the show was all you thought about," he said quietly with an edge to his voice. "You said..."

"Yes, I did and it was," I interrupted. "I'm sorry you're disappointed, but..."

"Jesus, Julie!" he yelled. "Was? Who the fuck do you think you are? I give you the opportunity of a lifetime and you blow it off like...fucking...I don't know what! Do you know how many actresses..." He stopped as if he couldn't even stand to talk to me any longer. His lip curled into a snarl and he gave me one last disgusted look before turning and storming off.

My heart was pounding, and the blood was rushing to my cheeks as I watched him. I tried to tell myself the heartache I felt was because I had given in to my baser instincts with Adam and not because he had just looked at me like I was dirt.


	21. Evening Primrose

Eight weeks later...

Tracy went down a list on her clipboard. "You have an interview with Sol Akerman at nine and you're doing that morning talk show with Cathy Tilson at ten tomorrow. They want you to do one of your songs from the play, preferable "I Remember" since the other two are duets...that leaves you free from eleven to...one. Tomorrow." She glanced up at me. "Julie are you listening?"

We were backstage and I was being fitted into my costume for a dress rehearsal. I had a small TV in my dressing room, and I was mindlessly watching a local morning talk show when suddenly my heart flew into my throat. I grabbed the remote to turn the volume up much to the dismay and irritation of my agent and dresser.

I stared, transfixed. He looked amazing...sitting in a chair opposite the interviewer wearing a gray tee shirt and black jacket, his legs crossed casually. His hair was a bit shorter and he was clean shaven...for his new role? I wondered. I watched, barely listening to the questions and his answers, taking in his every gesture and smile. His laugh made an involuntary smile spread over my own face, until by the end of the interview which came all too soon, I was a grinning fool. Adam stood and shook the bedazzled female interviewer's hand. I swallowed hard.

"Julie!"

I started and looked over at the music director who was leaning into my dressing room. I turned the TV off and dropped the remote.

"We're ready for the duet between Ella and Charles." His eyes swept my gown. "Ready?"

"Born ready," I replied cheekily, sweeping out to join him and the company.

My co-star and love interest in the play was none other than Hadley Fraser and he made an amazing Charles. I was so intimidated our first day of readings. He had Broadway experience and I worried he and the music director would both find me less than competent. However, I'd had nothing to worry about and the entire company was warm and receptive and very complimentary. My confidence was through the roof, therefore, as I made my way from stage left to where Hadley was standing. He turned and gave me a dazzling smile. Despite my age difference with the forty year old Broadway veteran, we had an immediate chemistry and I found his attention and admiration flattering.

The music director stood on a short stool and gave us instructions. We hardly needed them...this was not our first time performing "Take Me to the World". The story is about a group of people who live in a department store. They're like a big family and Ella has been with them since she was six. Now, at nineteen, she is longing to see the "outside world". A poet named Charles stumbles upon their secret society one night and falls in love with Ella. In this duet, Ella pleads with Charles to take her away and show her the world, but he is jaded and disillusioned and at first refuses, telling her the world is a terrible place and she's better off where she is. Ella pleads with him and eventually, Charles agrees to take her away.

Ella: What kind of life is this? I'll become just like the people here...

Charles: Do you want the world? Well then you shall have the world...

Ella: I won't be afraid if I'm with you; we shall have the world.

Both: You'll hold my hand and know you're not alone

We shall have the world to keep,

Such a lovely world, you'll weep

We shall have the world forever for our own.

As the music died away, I felt the now familiar adrenaline flooding my veins and I looked at my partner, ecstatic. Hadley and I were hand clasped and deeply immersed in the roles and he smiled admiringly at me. It was only when we heard the music director clapping his hands that the spell broke and we took five. The stage area which had been quiet as a church for our duet, burst into noise and excited talking. I reached for my water bottle, greedily sipping from it and still recovering my breath from the duet. A few hours and several songs later, Hadley approached me with his usual breathtaking smile

"Julie, that was great!"

I beamed. "Thanks!" I could feel my color rising.

Hadley smiled and gestured at my dress. "So how about you change and let's go get a bite to eat?"

Was he asking me out to lunch? I shook my head slightly as to clear my mind. "I would love that!"

Eve

Adam was nursing a sweating glass of seltzer water with a lime wedge stuck in it when I slid onto the bar stool next to him.

I nodded at the glass and then looked around the dark, seedy little place. "What the fuck are you doing?" I asked.

He didn't look up, just continued staring at the rising bubbles in his drink. "Wishing it had vodka in it."

"Tsk," I admonished. "Adam, really. Do you think this is the best place for you to be right now?"

His face remained stony. "I'm not gonna fall off the wagon, Eve, if that's what you mean."

I put up my hands defensively. "Hey, you know I would never say that! How'd the interview with Monica go the other day?"

"You saw it."

"Actually, no, I didn't. I was busy looking at the new script for The Chemist...how was it down in the Keys?"

Adam shifted restlessly on the stool and put a hand to his forehead. "Hot."

"Hey," I said leaning forward and trying to look into his face. "You OK?"

He emitted a noncommittal grunt. Then I noticed a magazine resting on the bar on his opposite side. He had obviously been reading it before I came in.

"What's that?" I asked.

He quickly looked up and tried to hide it, by shoving it away from him. "Nothing," he muttered.

"Adam," I said, reaching over him. "Come on, let me see...what are you...oh. Oh!"

I had wrested the magazine, which by now I saw was a tabloid, out of his hand. Splashed on the second page was an image of Hadley Fraser and Julie having lunch at a trendy Manhattan bistro. She was blushing and smiling, and he was reaching across the table as if to take her hand. The byline read: Hadley Fraser and Broadway's Newest Songstress Sharing More Than Mimosa's?

I cackled loudly and Adam looked at me in annoyance. "Oh my God, that's rich!" I cawed. "Boy have they got it wrong!" I looked over at Adam's forlorn face and rolled my eyes. "Oh, come on, Adam, you know what type of bullshit this is! I can't believe you'd even pick up a rag like this! Fraser is not her type and he's a very devout Catholic from I hear. There's no way anything is going on with them!" I slapped him with the tabloid and tossed it aside. "Plus, Julie has a very good head on her shoulders. Except when it come to you," I added quietly.

Adam stared at me in the dim light of the bar. His eyes drifted down to my lips and before I knew what was happening, he had grabbed me around the back of my neck and hauled toward him. His lips found mine and his kiss was wet, desperate, and anguished. He slipped his tongue inside my mouth and his other hand came up to my throat. For a brief, mad moment, I began to kiss him back. Just relishing the feel of a man holding me and kissing me...then reality broke in like a splash of cold water. I began making noises of protest against his mouth.

I shoved him back as hard as I could. "Adam, what the fuck!" I cried. I reached for a cocktail napkin and wiped my mouth. "What is your fucking problem?"

He was breathless. He looked down at my hand clutching the napkin and he blinked several times, then shook his head. "I...don't know. I'm so sorry, Eve," he murmured.

I crumpled the napkin up and tossed it onto the bar. "You know, if I hadn't just had your tongue in my mouth as evidence, I'd swear you've been drinking." My eyes flicked to his untouched water. "But I didn't taste any alcohol so you must just be fucking bananas, crackers, and nuts." I studied him closer. "Are you...? Oh Jesus, no, don't do this to me, Adam. Please don't fucking cry...you know I can't handle that."

"I don't deserve someone like you, Eve," he said, his voice breaking.

"I agree," I said coolly.

I scooted closer to him and laid my head on his shoulder to avoid looking into those watery amber eyes and that trembling lower lip. He titled his head, resting it against mine while I ruffled his hair with my fingers and thought about Arthur.

"Why does it always have to be like this?" I asked to no one in particular.

Julie

Ella: I remember days, or at least I try

But as years go by, they're a sort of haze

And the bluest ink isn't really sky

And at times I think, I would gladly die

For a day of sky...

Evening Primrose played to sold out house that night. It was glorious. When I stepped out and sang my one solo, "I Remember", the house was deathly silent as the last note died. I thought I had died as well...then it came. The mid-performance applause that sent the rush of adrenaline through my chest.

It all passed in a rush and haze but from the way the audience surged to their feet as the curtain fell, it was a huge success. I had done it. Hadley, grinning ear to ear, took my hand and, after the supporting cast had made their bows, we made our way to the front of the stage to thunderous cheers. I was drinking it in, my heart pounding violently, my cheeks flushed and hurting from smiling so much.

Hadley kissed my hand and generously propelled me forward in front of him to receive the accolades that were mine and mine alone. After three curtain calls, I rushed to my dressing room, hoping against all hope. I looked at the flowers that filled the small space and Tracy was bring more in. I grabbed each card and read it hungrily, disappointment settling in my belly despite my triumph when each one was revealed to be from someone other than him.

I reached for the last, a singular looking bouquet of birds of paradise. I plucked the card eagerly from the bird shaped blooms of vibrant orange and purple. It would be just like him...I smiled as I read the card, but it was still not the message I had sought.

Thought you might be sick of roses by now -Eve

Pushing down my disappointment, I swiftly changed into a short black cocktail dress with a skirt that swung saucily about my thighs and sparkled with tiny black sequins. The company was having an after party in a private room at one of the most exclusive Manhattan hotels. We arrived and I was thankful there were very few flashing bulbs and reporters. Hadley stayed at my side the entire time and introduced me to several of his peers and former co-stars. It was heady stuff for me.

Later as we were sitting together sipping cocktails and talking, Hadley leaned forward.

"So, Julie," he said in his beautiful Scottish accent. "How does it feel?"

I looked down at my glass, overwhelmed. "Unreal," I admitted.

Hadley chuckled. "You'll never get past that feeling, that overwhelming sense of undeservedness and total inadequacy. Then you see the audience, read the reviews, and you sigh in relief."

I took a sip of my drink. "Hopefully."

He smiled and his hazel eyes twinkled. "Oh yes, you'll get your nasty critic every now and then." He paused, his drink forgotten, and studied me. "But I think most will be highly complementary of you."

I swallowed my liquor in a hurry and the warmth burned its way down my throat and into my belly. I cleared my throat. "I get so self-conscious," I admitted, the alcohol loosening my tongue. "I worry about what my eyes and lips are doing...how I look when I'm singing. Am I conveying the emotion right?"

His eyes locked with mine. "Julie, you don't have to worry; your eyes and lips are perfect," he murmured.

I was frozen by his words and his stare. Was it the drink talking? I wondered. I was suddenly very uncomfortable and very aroused at the same time. He shifted so that he faced me a little more on the couch and reached over to touch my cheek with his palm. "Your face should express understanding of the undying battle between spiritual love and the gross mundane world."

I stared at him wide-eyed, hardly believing this was happening. He leaned towards me and his lips took mine in a sweet, worshipful kiss. I did not stop him, accepting his lips on mine, tasting the scotch he had been drinking, and slowly began kissing him back. The moment my lips moved against his he groaned in pleasure, then pulled back. His eyes were cool as they drifted down over me, but his smile said he was intrigued.

"Failing that," he continued, "you can just act really, really, sad."

I burst into laughter, covering my mouth with my hand and Hadley grinned and pulled me to my feet, spinning me in a circle.

"A heart full of love, a heart full of song..."

Oh God, was he really doing this? He started singing the words of the love song from Les Mis and pulling me along with him while everyone sat or stood around, either unfazed or completely enchanted.

"I'm doing everything all, oh God for shame

I do not even know your name..."

When it came to Cosette's part, I did not even hesitate.

"A heart full of love, no fear, no regret..."

That night was the stuff of which dreams were made. When I arrived home, I was still flying high on the events of the night. After I slipped into bed and checked my texts (several from Hadley, and one from Eve), my heart felt a slight catch. I scrolled down to Adam's name and read through our old texts before I knew I was doing it. I found myself biting my lip and smiling at words that were months old but still had the power to affect me.

My thumb hovered indecisively over the call button next to his name. My hand shook and I slowly lowered it to the green icon and just before I decided not to, my thumb touched it almost by accident and I sucked in my breath as the call was sent.


	22. New Kid in Town

I watched with growing apprehension and horror as the call went through and I listened to the ringing tone coming through my phone's tiny speaker. It stopped and the voicemail picked up telling me I had reached a voicemail box that was full. I swallowed hard and hit end. He hadn't answered. Still, he would see I had called. I remembered they were filming today...maybe they were working on a nighttime scene. He might return the call and I wondered if I wanted him to or not. Then again, maybe he had seen the call coming in and chose to ignore it?

I threw the phone down on the bed and cursed myself for being such an idiot and calling him in the first place. God knew if he wanted to talk, he'd call me. I spent the next couple hours tossing and turning in bed. I got up at one point and drank a glass of wine even though I'd had plenty to drink at the after party. I could not get to sleep thinking about that damn call. Surely by now, in fact long before now, he had seen his missed calls.

I just simply had to accept the fact that he no longer wanted to talk to me. I raked my fingers through my hair and sighed in frustration, more at myself than Adam. I would not call him again it was that simple. Do the adult thing, Julie, I told myself. I grabbed the phone off my nightstand and opened my contacts. He was the first one listed...I selected his name and, just as before, with a hesitating thumb hovering over the delete button, I took a deep breath. This time it was no accident when my thumb hit "delete".

***

That afternoon the theater was filled with hustle and bustle preparing for our second night. Hadley was all smiles when I arrived, and he folded the newspaper he'd been reading and came over to me.

"Julie!" he cried. "Have you seen the reviews?" He winked at me.

I shook my head I hadn't see the reviews and thought to myself, Wonderful. Just one more thing to stress me out. I was thinking about that call and not hearing back from Adam.

"I'm afraid to look," I said giving him a wary glance.

"No, no!" he said, "they're all glowing...especially this one that mentions you!" He shook the paper out dramatically and began reading. He was right, it was mostly glowing.

Though the play itself is slightly creepy and melancholic, there is an amazing song called "Take Me to the World" which features a new talent, Julie Landor. The trajectory of her career should she continue to pursue Broadway will be meteoric. 

And another very generous (I thought) one:

Hadley Fraser and Julie Landor are the two new great interpreters of Steven Sondheim's music.

This one made me laugh:

Hadley Fraser just called all of us untalented in ten octaves and his lovely new partner, Julie Landor, followed suit. Ok, you two, we're impressed.

The only slightly critical review stated:

It's a story as old as Greek mythology and just as over-used, but it's also the sounds of Sondheim and Hadley Fraser and his new partner Julie Landor are in great voice as they sing three of the musical's most haunting melodies. Do yourself a favor and buy a ticket while they last.

I raised my eyebrows. "Well, that's encouraging!" I laughed.

Another sold out house that night. Next day we performed a matinee. It didn't matter how many times I sang those songs or shared curtain calls with Hadley, it never got old.

I was sipping a cup of coffee one week later at a café, Hadley sitting across from me, reading yet more reviews that had poured in over the last week. Just at that moment there was a stir, a ripple of commotion, people turned in their seats, and excited whispering began.

"What...?" I started to ask

But Hadley had risen to his feet and was beaming. "Ramin!" he called.

A very handsome, bearded, dark-haired man came over to our table and the two of them embraced warmly. My mouth dropped. It couldn't be...

Hadley looked down at me as if I were his prize pet. "Ramin, this is..."

"Julie Landor," Ramin Karimloo supplied, his dark eyes sparkling as he took my hand and gave it a slight squeeze. "Of course, your new partner." He smiled cheekily as he straightened and slapped Hadley on the back. "Good man!" he added in a congratulatory tone then he looked at me again. "I'm so sorry you have to endure this clod. He's the absolute worst."

I giggled, my cheeks growing warm. "Oh, I wouldn't say that," I replied demurely.

Ramin laughed. "Wait until he forgets the lyrics to his signature songs and embarrasses the hell out of you!"

Hadley shook his head. "One time, Karimloo, it happened one time!"

"And I never let him live it down," Ramin said giving me an appreciative stare.

"Ramin!" called a voice. "Can we get a picture?"

A photographer was already pointing his lens our way. Ramin, as charming in real life as he was on stage, put an arm around Hadley and me. We smiled and the flash went off.

"Excellent! Thank you!" the photographer gushed and hurried off.

It was so surreal that this was my life now. I could hardly believe it. It was a week before Christmas, and we were giving a special matinee performance. After the show Hadley and I met some young fans at the stage door, mostly students from the children's opera who had attended with their instructors and we signed autographs and took pictures with them. I could hardly believe that not too many years ago these students had been me, breathless and starry-eyed. Perhaps still starry-eyed, I speculated watching Hadley put his arm around a young girl while she took a selfie of the two of them. She was beaming and I couldn't blame her.

Hadley insisted on accompanying me back to my house after the evening performance that night. Because of traffic the cab ride was twice as long as it normally was and during that time we laughed and chatted about the show and talked about his work on the West End. I talked to him about breaking out on The Chemist and my singing stint at Birdland. He took my hand at one point and held it as he talked and didn't let go for the rest of the drive. He gave me a meaningful look and drew my hand to his lips. He kissed my inner wrist and I drew in my breath sharply, glancing briefly at the driver then back to Hadley.

"Julie," he said, a hand gently pushing a lock of my hair back behind my ear. He moved a bit closer to me. "It's been wonderful working with you these past few weeks. I'd like to see you. Outside work," he added with a little smirk.

I must have looked startled.

He looked worried. "I'm sorry, I should have asked you, is there someone else? Are you seeing someone?"

I shook my head. "No. No, I'm not. There's...there's no one," I said with a tiny catch in my heart.

His answering smile made my cheeks warm. I was trembling and could barely breathe. He didn't give me a chance. He leaned over me and with a hand on my knee, kissed me softly and sweetly on the lips. I closed my eyes and just let the feel of him envelope me. Hadley was causing slumbering fires to be ignited once more and I threw my inhibition to the wind and grabbed the lapels of his overcoat. I swung one leg over his and lustily pushed my tongue into his mouth. I could tell he was surprised but not displeased by my initiative. 

"Mmmm," he moaned, breaking off only briefly to say, "Feisty little thing, aren't you?"

I felt a flood of embarrassment through my cheeks and I muttered breathlessly, "Sorry."

But Hadley was apparently intrigued by this side of me. "Don't be, sweet girl," he whispered.

Hadley spanned my waist with his hands pulling me nearer until the pointed sound of our driver clearing his throat had us dissolving into quiet laughter.

I returned to my side of the seat but near enough so our knees touched. Hadley stared at me in fascination and it made me smirk a little and blush even more. What could this older, handsome worldly veteran of the theater find fascinating about me?

As we exited the cab in front of my building, Hadley took my hand. "Julie, join me and some friends of mine tomorrow night at Birdland. Dinner, drinking, and song...the irresistible trio!"

I smiled at him softly in the yellow glow of the streetlight but pretended to think about it. "Hmmm, Birdland and Hadley Fraser? Sounds a little cliche to me." I grinned at the face he pulled. "I'd love it!" I said shivering with anticipation and cold.

Hadley laughed, his eyes crinkling up. "Good. I'll pick you up at seven," Hadley stated with a smile that made my toes curl. He kissed me one last time and I let the nearness and warmth of him flow through me on that cold December night.

***

I was tossing and turning that night, unable to sleep. A warm shower, two glasses of wine, and four chapters of a very boring novel later, I was still wide awake. I checked the clock on my phone and saw it was 2:15 in the morning. I sighed. I would be so glad to get home to Utica to spend Christmas with my mother. Maybe there, sleep wouldn't be so elusive.

I was just about to get up, put on some sweats and go running when my phone's screen lit up. I had silenced the ringtone earlier and never turned it back on. I grabbed it thinking it could only be Hadley calling at this hour, then frowned at the unknown New York number. I swiped to answer and held it to my ear.

"Hello?"

There was a pause so long that I thought maybe they had hung up. Then, "Hey, kid."

I let out a pent-up breath. "Adam...um, hey." I didn't know what else to say. I hadn't recognized the number as I'd deleted him from my contacts. I never thought he'd call me out of the blue at 2 AM.

"Hey," he repeated, and I thought I heard a hint of amusement in his voice. "You, uh, called the other night."

I paused for a long time, feeling caught, exposed. "Uh, yeah...I did." No point in pretending it was an accident. "Um, how...how is everything?" I asked. "Filming and all?"

I heard some restless movements on the other end of the phone. "Good...good," came the pat response. "Show's moving along. We, uh, we didn't replace you. Just wrote you out."

"Oh," I commented, feeling the total awkwardness of this stilted conversation. "How did the movie go? I saw your interview a few weeks ago."

He made noncommittal sound. "Slasher flick. Chauvinistic boyfriend of the dumb heroine. I get killed in the second half."

I giggled softly. "I can't wait to see it."

He was quiet for another long moment and then he said, "I saw your play."

My mouth dropped open. I didn't know what to say.

"You're...good. You're very good, Julie," he continued, that familiar timbre of his voice sending those well-known rivers of heat through me. "I knew you were. All you needed was...the right role."

I was nodded and inexplicably tearing up. "Yeah," I whispered.

He was quiet for such a long time I was afraid he had hung up on me, then I heard him sigh deeply. "You happy?" he asked.

There was such an ache in his voice that it spoke to the reciprocal ache in my heart as I was flung back to that night on Sharon's beachfront. Those fiery words followed by the even more fiery coupling. But that wasn't what I wanted or needed in my life. I closed my eyes and said the only thing I could.

"Yes," I whispered. "Very happy."

"I'm sorry if I woke you."

"You didn't. I...couldn't sleep."

A long pause. "Why not?"

I took a deep breath and let it go in long sigh. "It's been a long month," I admitted. "Long and busy and stressful. Oh, it's great, I mean I love it!" I paused and thought for a moment. "But I'm...I guess I'm just wound up."

We fell into a short silence again.

"Julie, go lay down on your bed," Adam ordered.

Oh God, what was he wanting? Phone sex? "Adam, I'm not gonna..."

"Jesus Julie, would it help if the director said it?" he asked, an edge of exasperation creeping into his voice. "And stop thinking so much. Just tell me when you're lying down."

I sighed and made my way over to the bed. I climbed between the covers and pulled them up. "Ok," I said, my voice sounding very small.

"Put the phone on the nightstand."

I obeyed, switching him to speaker.

"You comfy?" he asked, a slight edge of humor to his voice.

I rolled my eyes though he couldn't see me. "Yes."

"Good," he said, and that single syllable sent tremors through my middle. "I'm going to read to you. And you're going to be quiet like a good little girl and not interrupt."

I bit my lip, smiling. I shifted my legs restlessly under the covers, a million questions rising to my mind, but I meekly responded, "Ok."

I heard the rustle of pages, Adam softly clearing his throat, then, "Sing in me, Muse, and through me tell the story of that man skilled in all ways of contending..."

The Odyssey? I frowned then smiled. What had I expected, The Story of O? I closed my eyes and listened to his voice, that deep, beautiful, expressive voice and pictured his large hands holding the book, long fingers turning pages...he was probably walking up and down as he read, just like he did when reading a script.

"...the wanderer, harried for years on end, after he plundered the stronghold on the proud heights of Troy."

I saw him in my mind, probably shirtless even in December, soft grey sweat pants slung low on his hips, dark hair falling messily over his brow and his hand running impatiently through it every now and then. The curve and shape of his lips as he formed certain words, his eyes opening wide or narrowing at certain junctures. God help me, I was so ashamed at my body's reaction to just hearing his voice reading thousand year old words to me, that my hand wandered down my body...reaching for my sweet spot. He'd never know...how could he?

His voice went on growing in volume: "Tell me, oh Muse, of the man of many ways, who was driven far journeys, after he had SACKED Troy's sacred citadel..."

I made a small noise, my fingers sliding against my slick core, when he put the emphasis on the word "sacked". Shit. I bit my lip.

He paused. "Julie?"

I swallowed hard before answering, "I'm here." My voice was husky and breathless.

He knew. God damn, he had to...

He took a ragged breath and continued...and so did I. When I climaxed to his voice rising and falling, words about a complicated man, wandering and lost, wrecking Troy and eating the Sun God's cattle, I did so as quietly as I'd ever had, biting a knuckle to contain my cries.

He read to me a little longer as my eyelids drooped in a guilty lust fogged haze. The next thing I knew it was morning, my phone was dead, and cold winter sunshine was pouring into my bedroom.


	23. Moving Too Fast

That following night Hadley picked me up as promised and whisked me away to Birdland. We sat at a huge table near the back and I met some of the cream of the crop of musical theater. Hadley ordered my cocktail just how he knew I liked it and I smiled in appreciation at him as I took the first sip. He sipped his own scotch, never taking his luminous hazel eyes from me, and I felt a warmth spread through me that had nothing to do with the liquor.

Harry Cole spotted me and came over. "Julie!" he bellowed, taking my hand in his smooth, almost feminine one. He ran a finger across the back of my hand and I noticed the heavy gold pinkie ring he wore. "Congratulations, my little songbird. You've made it!" 

He smiled at me with dazzling white teeth. Like a shark, I thought. "Thanks. Mr. Cole," I replied demurely.

His bright blue speculative eyes darted back and forth between me and Hadley. "Yes, I think you've definitely traded up, my girl." He laughed at his own remark and walked away.

I felt Hadley's eyes on me, curious, but he was too much of a gentleman to ask. I took a sip of my cocktail and turned to him. "Mr. Cole is such a character," I said lamely.

Hadley only smiled at me, his eyes drifting up and down me. "That he is," he agreed.

The evening was amazing. Hilary Cole, Harry's niece sang and she was wonderful. Sultry, flirty and with a voice like honey and whiskey she had not only the men but the women entranced as well. Hadley took me by the hand and led me wordlessly onto the dance floor, spinning me slowly under his arm. As Hilary crooned "Teach Me Tonight", we came together, his left hand spanning my waist while my right hand rested on one of his broad shoulders. Then along with the other couples we swayed to the music and Hadley pressed me close to him. 

Later, as I knew would happen, we were cajoled onto the stage where we sang a brassy duet of "I Won't Dance" and Hadley kept making faces at me to cause me to mess up my lines. I punched him playfully in the arm much to the delight of the patrons. He kept a proprietary arm about my waist the entire time. 

As the evening wore on and it became louder and people became drunker, Hadley and I slipped away. We strolled down the street, huddled in our winter coats, our breath making clouds in the frosty air. My arm was through Hadley's and I just enjoyed the nearness of him and the sweetly accented patter of his voice.

"Call me lass," I suddenly said stopping and turning to face him.

A funny look came over his face and he frowned then smiled dubiously. "Call you what?" he asked with a laugh.

I touched his lapel with my hand and ran it slowly down to his waist. "Indulge me, Hadley," I whispered shyly. "I just want to hear it."

His grin softened into a smile, his hazel eyes darkening as he looked down at me. They ran all over my face, taking in my eyes, my lips, the flush in my cheeks. He took a deep breath and murmured, "Lass."

I closed my eyes and sighed. Hadley burst into laughter and my eyes snapped open to meet his and then we were both laughing uproariously. He took my arm and we continued walking. 

"And before you ask, no, I do not own a kilt, Julie!"

***

That night I was almost expecting it. At precisely two on the dot, my silenced phone lit up and I smiled as I slide my thumb across to answer it. 

"Hi Adam," I said.

"Hey, kid," he answered with a smile in his voice. "How many hearts you break today?"

I huffed. "None that I know of."

"You sure?"

The simple question was so loaded I decided to ignore it after the awkward silence that followed. "Mobbed by any fangirls lately?"

He chuckled. "A few," he admitted. "Listen, our season of The Chemist is up for an Emmy."

I gasped. "Oh my God, Adam! That's amazing!"

"I mean the competition's stiff, Julie. I don't expect to win. We've only been going two seasons and there are some really popular shows up too. But the..."

"...nomination itself is an honor," we both said together.

Silence. Then we both laughed softly. 

"Yeah," he continued. "So, I don't what your schedule is like...I mean I know you're not with us anymore but you were for that season and I think you should attend."

I swallowed hard. "I would like that. I'll definitely be there."

He was quiet then I heard a soft groan and I imagined him stretching, and then probably pushing his long fingers through his hair.

"You sound tired," I ventured. 

"I am," he said on a sigh.

"How long did you read to me last night?"

He laughed softly. "Til I heard you snoring."

I had been lounging on the bed but now I sat up indignantly. "I do not snore!" I protested.

He was cackling. "I beg to differ!" he teased in a sing-song.

I punched a pillow. "Liar," I muttered but I couldn't stop the smile that came to my face at the sound of his familiar laughter.

His laughter died down and we were quiet again for a long moment. I sank back against the pillow and bit my lip. Wondering what to say.

"Julie, you want me to read to you again?"

His voice out of the protracted silence sent a thrill through me. "Do you mind?"

"Not at all," he said and I heard the amusement in his voice. "Are you in bed?"

"Yes," I said quietly, body tense with anticipation.

He cleared his throat and I heard the rustling of pages turning. Then that voice...

"Look, what is done cannot be now amended: 

Men shall deal unadvisedly sometimes,

Which after hours give leisure to repent. 

If I did take the kingdom from your sons, 

To make amends, Ill give it to your daughter."

Richard III's monologue. I pulled the covers up to my chin, listening to the intensity in Adam's voice as he read. Sometimes he paused for long periods and I thought he had gone, but then he would pick back up. His voice rising and falling doing those sinful things to me it always did. I couldn't help pleasuring myself once again to the rich sound of him. Guilt and shame were put to rest only to rear their heads afterwards.

"Bound with triumphant garlands will I come 

And lead thy daughter to a conqueror's bed..."

I caught my breath, my fingers moving ever so languidly, in and out of my tense body, and I thanked my lucky stars Adam couldn't see; couldn't hear the wicked sounds of my arousal, slick and wet around my fingers. 

"To whom I will retail my conquest won,

And she shall be sole victress, Caesar's Caesar."

I let out a soft cry when I came this time, then bit my lip so hard I drew blood. Damn. My eyes flew open and I stared at the phone as if it were Adam himself staring at me. He was so silent, I held my breath and waited for him to speak, my heart pounding from my orgasm and the apprehension I felt. 

"Julie?" Adam asked.

I did not reply and after a few seconds he ended the call, likely presuming me to be asleep. I rolled to my side and let out the breath I had been holding. Holy shit, what was I doing? What were we doing?

***

The day before I left for Utica, Hadley took me skating at Rockefeller Center. As he laced my skates on I watched him and then glanced at the skaters gliding and twirling gracefully and sucking in my bottom lip.

"Hadley, I've never done this before," I admitted.

He looked up and grinned at me. "First time for everything, right lass?" he said with a wink. 

I rolled my eyes but smiled at his use of the word "lass". 

"Don't worry," he said as he stood. "I'll catch you if you fall!"

He pulled me onto the ice and I felt like a baby giraffe. I shrieked with alarm and then laughter when I felt the slick ice under my feet. I wobbled and held on to Hadley's forearms for dear life. It was both scary and exhilarating. Hadley most pushed and pulled me. I had the time of my life.

We spent time that evening in Hadley's loft apartment overlooking Midtown in the theater district, a fire crackling in the hearth, very cozy. He loved to play the piano or acoustic guitar and listen to me sing. Sometimes he'd sing, wearing his glasses he wore only to read lyrics and music. I loved them...I thought they suited him. 

He strummed his guitar while we sang "Africa" and I beat out the percussion on a tufted ottoman much to his amusement. He pushed his glasses up his nose, hardly missing a beat and I smiled. Afterward, he laid his guitar aside and beckoned me to him. I went to where he sat on the sofa and he slipped an arm around my waist and drew me down to sit beside him. He turned towards me and lowered his head to mine. I met him halfway, stretching up and encircling his neck with my arms as our lips met. His hand was at the back of my head, holding me to him as he deepened the kiss, his other hand on my thigh. 

I moaned and reached up, threading my fingers through his dark blond hair, and pulled him down over me. When my back hit the cushions, Hadley shifted himself, settling between my legs. I hooked one jean-clad leg around his waist and felt his arousal pushing into my thigh. His hands wandered up to the waist of my jeans and under my sweater. I gasped when his calloused musician's fingers began caressing my bare belly and moved up to the front clasp of my bra. I giggled a little when he popped it open with no difficulty and moved it aside. 

Suddenly my phone began buzzing. In spite of myself I couldn't help but glance down at the name flashing on the screen. It was Tracy. 

"Hadley," I said. "It's my agent...I have to..."

Hadley groaned, and with infinite patience that I blessed him for, he sat up, releasing me from his embrace and I grabbed the phone.

"Yes?" I said a bit sharply.

Tracy's voice, usually so no-nonsense, was practically bubbling over with excitement. "Julie, are you sitting down?"

"Uh...yes," I stuttered glancing at Hadley and his still-smoldering eyes that seemed more green this evening. I smiled at him.

"Well, you are up for a Tony this year."

My mouth dropped and again I swung my gaze to Hadley who had crossed his legs and was watching me closely. He saw my expression and frowned questioningly. I slowly lowered the phone to my shoulder and mouthed the word, "Tony".

His face bloomed into an excited grin as he shot to his feet and swept me up in his arms, laughing. I screamed, dropping my phone to the floor, Tracy forgotten. Grabbing Hadley around the neck, I threw my head back and shrieked as he spun me round and round.

***

That night when Adam called at nearly five minutes past two I was beside myself. 

"Adam," I said as soon as the phone was to my ear, "I'm nominated for the newcomer award at the Tony's!"

"Kiiiiiiid..." he drew out the nickname and I heard some rustling as if he'd been lying down and was suddenly sitting up. "That's great!"

I was grinning like a fool. "I just can't believe it...it's so surreal." My voice softened. "All of it."

His voice when he spoke next was husky. "Well, you deserve all of it, kid."

I smiled. "Really, Adam? You really think so?"

He huffed in amusement. "What kind of question is that?" he replied rhetorically. 

I bit my lip and guilt tore through me when I asked timidly, "Are you gonna read to me tonight?"

He drew in a deep breath. "Yeah, if you let me come over."

My heart skipped and my lower belly clenched at his words. "No, Adam...I...don't think..."

"Is is because you don't want me to watch you masturbate?"

I made an indignant noise. "I don't masturbate!"

"Come on, Julie. Fuck, I'm not stupid."

I was shaking my head even though he couldn't see me. "I don't know what you're talking about. I don't..."

"Julie, I can hear you."

I did not respond. My cheeks were flooded with crimson. I thought I was so careful, so quiet; I didn't know what to say.

Adam continued, "If you won't let me come over, then fine. I'll read to you tonight but you better keep your hands above your waist. When we hang up you can do whatever you like but don't do that shit to me over the phone."

I gulped and a familiar thrill slithered through me at this resumption of our old games. It was stupid, God knew it was. But I couldn't help myself; he had me under his spell again. At least for tonight. I found myself nodding, then remembering he couldn't see me I softly whispered, "Fine, whatever you say."

I heard the turning of pages and then Adam's voice beginning to read what sounded strangely enough like a Grimm's fairy tale. I listened as he went on about a prince cutting his way through brambles and finding the sleeping princess, etcetera...I yawned. Then when the prince came upon the princess, that's when the story shifted gears.

"He drew out his sword, with which he had cut back all the vines outside, and gently slipping the blade between her breasts, let it rip easily through the old fabric..."

I sat up hurriedly. What the fuck...?

"Her dress was laid open to the hem, and he folded it back and looked at her. Her nipples were..."

"Whoa, whoa, wait," I said. "What the fuck are you reading?"

He sounded amused as he replied, "You know this story, Julie. It's old as fuck."

I was panting. "Not that version," I retorted. "It's porn. What happened to Homer or Shakespeare?"

Adam was nonplussed. "I thought this would be more appropriate since you like to jerk yourself while I read."

I gasped. "You...I don't...that's...fucking..." I couldn't think of a coherent thing to say.

One of those long silences, then Adam asked, "You want me to stop reading?"

I was quietly gathering my nerve to say what I wanted to say. "You don't want me to touch myself while I'm on the phone with you, but you want to read filthy fairy tales to me. What are you, a sadist? Do you...enjoy tormenting me?" 

Adam laughed and the sound made me clench. "Am I tormenting you, Julie?"

"You know goddamn well you are," I said venomously. 

"I want to come over."

"No! Why?" I asked. "To start this shit all over again, Adam?"

He sighed heavily. "Maybe I just feel like fucking the hell out of a Tony nominee."

The words were meant to be humorous but there was an exasperated edge to them as if he was wearying of this game. Well. So was I. 

"Well, I'm saving myself for Broadway, sultan," I replied in a faux prim voice.

"Goodnight, Julie," he said abruptly.

"Wait!" I cried. "Are you...are you gonna call me tomorrow night?"

"What do you think?" he said, then ended the call.

***

The week after I returned from Utica Hadley and I were in a small recording studio laying down tracks for a new musical called The Last Five Years set to premier in March. We were already contracted to star as the leads. It was all very secretive and exciting. It was the story of the five-year relationship between a writer named Jamie and his actress wife Cathy. They marry in haste, then later come to regret it.

Hadley was amazing looking in a black sweater and faded blue jeans . I wore a long sleeve black dress that stopped just above my knees. Hadley's appreciative stare sent my brain reeling as we belted out lyrics that were so ironic I would have laughed if I hadn't been in such turmoil.

Hadley: Did I just hear an alarm start ringing?

Did I see sirens go flying past?

Though I don't know what tomorrow's bringing 

I've got a singular impression things are moving too fast

Me: I'm gliding smooth as a figure skater

I'm riding hot as a rocket blast

I just expected it ten years later

I've got a singular impression things are moving too fast

Hadley's eyes never left mine as he played only to me inside that glass recording booth, his hazel eyes full of meaning behind the reading glasses as he growled and crooned the bluesy/gospel style song into the mic. I returned the favor, and our voices blended with the pounding piano and screaming brass.

Me: I dreamed of riding like the high and mighty

Now I'm the subject of a bidding war

Hadley: I met my personal Aphrodite

I'm doing things I never dreamed of before

Me : I'm feeling panicked and rushed and hurried

I'm feeling outmaneuvered and outclassed

But I'm so happy I can't get worried

About this singular impression...

A pause for the music then we stared at each other as we both belted out:

I've got a singular impression things are moving too fast!

"And that's a wrap...good job, you two!"

Hadley and I smiled enthusiastically at each other and exited the booth. He took my hand and kissed it, his eyes crinkling as they looked into mine. Guilt gnawed at me.

Oh, Hadley, you have no idea...

Because while I was in Utica, the phones calls with Adam had continued.


	24. Emmy and Tony

I stood before my bed and surveyed the two magnificent dresses spread out before me. The TONY dress was a pale lavender confection, strapless with a tight waist embellished with green and silver hand embroidery. The skirt was full and floor length, the chiffon fabric floating like a dream when I walked. A true ingenue's dress, quite reminiscent of the wedding gown Ella wears in the last scene of Evening Primrose.

But it was the second dress, my Emmy dress, that kept drawing my eye. It was what I would be wearing when Adam saw me again for the first time in five months. It was a two-piece gown, dark red satin, the one-shoulder top stopping just at my navel and the knee-length skirt was full and swung flirtatiously with black net crinolines underneath. Something Angela would wear. I smirked a little, picturing it with the sheer black stocking and red stilettoes I planned to wear. My heart skipped at the thought of Adam seeing me in it.

There was a knock at my door and I practically floated towards it, not even bothering to see who it was. I flung it open with a smile already on my face and a flustered Eve came rushing in.

"Hi Julie," she breathed as she entered my home and walked a few feet inside, wringing her hands, then turning to face me as I closed the door. "Sorry to barge in like this."

I shrugged, a perplexed smile on my face. "Wouldn't expect anything else, Eve."

Eve bit her thumbnail for a second, then planted her hands on her hips and rocked back and forth on her heels in agitation. Suddenly she ran her fingers through her lustrous blond locks that were the envy of every female on the set of The Chemist and sighed. I watched her, confused but knowing she'd get around to it eventually.

Finally, she took a deep breath and spat out, "Arthur's wife died last night."

My eyebrows shot up and my mouth opened but I couldn't think of what to say or make of this revelation. "Oh," I managed softly.

Eve huffed and shook her head. "It's...I don't know, Julie, I feel like I'm going straight to hell. All I can think to myself is now he's free, but then I worry that maybe...maybe her death will just drive him further from me. I don't know how he felt about her!" Tears spring to her cornflower blue eyes. "And then I think I must be the most vile, selfish person on earth to be...to be glad that someone has died! Even if Arthur never comes back to me, at least...at least he's free." She breaks down crying.

I am stunned. I truly am at a loss for words. I can only stand there and stare at Eve.

She continued, sniffing. "Adam says I am a ghoul." She sneaks a peek at me through wet eyelashes. "He says I should move on. Find someone new."

Eve was studying me closely. I bit my lip and began walking slowly towards the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. Eve followed close behind me and leaned against the door jamb watching me.

"Do you agree with him?"

I turned and shook my head. "Eve, you know I don't give a damn what Adam says or thinks."

Eve cocked an eyebrow. "Then what's with those phone calls?"

I was incredulous. "He told you about that?"

Eve smiled grimly. "Adam and I have been like peanut butter and jelly for years now, Julie. He tells me everything. I tell him everything." She looked off to the side and amended, "Well probably not everything...we have a love/hate relationship with each other."

I turned away still shaking my head. Last night's call had been the longest yet, mostly chatting abut the upcoming awards and my new musical. He had two directors after him for a couple of movies. He'd have to travel out of the country for three months and was trying to work it into the shooting schedule for The Chemist.

Trying to steer the conversation back to Eve, I said, not looking at her, "I don't think you're a ghoul, Eve. I think you're human."

There was a swift movement behind me and suddenly I felt Eve's arms go around me from behind in a tight hug.

"Thanks, songbird," she whispered. "For what it's worth, I don't think you're crazy either. You and Adam are meant for each other...that was obvious from the first day."

I broke out of her embrace and spun around to face her. "Eve!"

She was smiling, though I could see tears gathering in her eyes. "No, Julie, listen to me. The only reason he's calling you every night, aside from being stupid in love with you, is to make sure you're not with someone else."

My mouth dropped but Eve nodded.

"Oh yes, Julie, the first night you don't answer that phone, don't be surprised if he comes barreling over."

***

That night when my phone lit up, I answered almost immediately.

"Hey, Adam," I said.

"You gonna be there tomorrow night?" was his answer.

I sighed. "I'm fine, Adam, and how are you?"

He made an impatient noise. "Are you?' he asked again.

"Yes," I said.

He was really quiet for a moment. "I'm glad."

"Yeah, me too," I replied slowly, and meant it. "It'll be good to see y...everyone again."

Another long silence.

"I, uh, might be co-producing the show next season with Mark."

I gasped. "Adam that sounds great. I'm happy for you. Really."

"Thanks," he sighed tiredly.

"We're premiering a new musical in March."

A pause. "You and...?"

My God, he couldn't even say Hadley's name.

"Yes," I answered lightly.

"Good for you, kid," he quietly replied.

I took a deep breath. "I hope you'll..." I was too self-conscious to finish the thought.

"I'll come see it," he promised.

"You will?"

He sounded amused. "Wouldn't miss it for the world."

I smiled, even though he couldn't see me. "Thanks," I whispered.

"You in bed?"

"Mmm-hmm," I answered.

"You want me to read to you, or...?" he trailed off, his voice tinged with amusement.

"Or...?" I teased.

He was quiet again and then, "Are you excited about your Tony nomination?"

I frowned. What was he going on about? Bewildered, I answered, "Um, yes. Sure. Who wouldn't be...?"

"How excited? Does it turn you on?"

Does it...oh. I understood. "Well, um...Adam, to tell you the truth," I said teasingly. "It kind of does. But not as much as talking to you about it does."

I waited with baited breath to see what he would say next, but he was quiet for so long I opened my mouth to say something else but he interrupted me. 

"Come over here."

I sighed in annoyance. "Adam..." I whined, not because I didn't want to but because he was making it too hard to say no anymore.

"I'm ten minutes away. Come over."

I let out a breath through my nose. "Why?"

"I want to see you." His voice was drowsy and deep. 

"You'll see me tomorrow night," I said tightly.

"Surrounded by fucking castmates, photographers and shit...no. I want to see you alone."

I was banging the phone against my forehead. It was physically painful to say no to him. My body was wound tighter than a violin. And it desperately need to be played, strummed, plucked, something. Anything.

"I can't," I finally managed.

"Fine," he murmured and he sounded as if he was in pain too. "Tomorrow night, then."

He ended the call before I could respond.

***

I turned this way and that surveying myself in the full-length mirror of my suite and double checking my dramatically winged eyeliner. My dresser, Abigail, fussing with the black crinolines of the short skirt making sure they lay as straight and uniform as possible, bless her. Once she was satisfied, she opened the door and I gliding out on the five-inch red stilettos bought just for this occasion. Fluffing my hair which I wore in long, loose curls and returned to its natural shade of light golden brown, I quickly joined up with a group I recognized.

"Julie!" Mark Silva cried, holding his hands out and taking mine.

Despite the less than pleasant circumstances under which we had parted, he was still delighted to see me and gracious as ever. He kissed me on both cheeks. Sharon was there also and a few of the writers and even Agnes. Noticeably missing was Adam and Eve themselves. Probably already downstairs making love to the media, I thought giggling to myself.

The doors to the elevator opened onto the luxurious lobby where a few photographers and certain media personality had been given special access. I scanned the area and nearly wobbled on my high heels when I spotted him. His back was to me, his tall tuxedo-clad form and rakish black hair unmistakable. He was speaking to someone and gesturing with his hands, those familiar movements that made my heart ache. Eve was standing beside him in a stunning white strapless dress that hugged her figure and was cut nearly to her navel while a hip height split ran up the skirt. Her hair was in an elegant upsweep, leaving her shoulders and back bare. She looked amazing. She saw me and her crimson lips broke into a delighted grin.

"Julie!" she cried.

As if on cue, Adam turned on his heel and our eyes met. Even as Eve made her swift way over to me and bussed me on the cheek, I couldn't take my eyes from him. His mouth dropped slightly, his eyes traveling down me taking in my bare midriff and stocking encased legs. I was as taken aback as he was, unable to tear my eyes away. He was familiar yet different. Same beautiful messy dark hair but somehow tames into silky waves I wanted to muss. From the way he was staring, he had similar ideas about me.

Eve turned to look at him. "Adam! Look! It's Julie," she said unnecessarily.

He began walking slowly towards our group, hands in his pockets. Because of my heels I stood level with him for the first time ever, his smoldering eyes looking intently into mine.

"Julie," he said.

I swallowed hard. "Adam."

The memory of our conversation last night was burned into our minds as we stood face to face, oblivious to the activity around us.

"The cars are waiting," I heard a voice say. I think it was Sharon, I'm not sure but I found myself propelled toward the doors, Adam's hand on my elbow as he, Eve, and I tumbled into a black SUV. Our arrival and the red carpet passed by in rush, bulbs flashing, people shouting questions. Adam and I ended up three seats apart. During the entire ceremony, we kept glancing surreptitiously at each other, hardly able to keep our attention on the host, the presenters, or the winners. Eve, sitting on left between Adam and me, kept leaning forward as if intent on a winner's speech or the host's monologue, but we both knew she was just silently and knowingly adding to our torment. I almost giggled the first time she did it and Adam leaned back in his seat, obviously annoyed, and returned his attention to the stage.

Eve leaned over and whispered in my ear. "If you two keep making bedroom eyes at each other it's gonna end up on Twitter by the end of the evening. Just fair warning."

I nodded and deadpanned, "Duly noted."

"I mean unless you are planning to get back together..."

"Please, Eve. I get it."

Eve grinned and looked at the stage, reminding me inexplicably of the serpent of Eden.

It was a night for The Chemist. Sharon won Outstanding Director for a drama series, our writers Nora Claremont-Diaz and Michael Stafford won Outstanding Writing, and the series won Outstanding Drama series. Adam was the only actor the from the show nominated and I knew for a fact he didn't expect to win.

However, when the presenter broke open the envelope and announced his name, I gasped in delight. But nothing could have prepared me for what came next. When he stood, he gave Sharon the customary buss on the cheek, then bypassed Eve's outstretched arms to come to me, take my face in his hands and kiss me full and long on the lips. I heard shutters clicking and saw flashes in my peripheral. He let me go without a word, then grinning, jogged up the steps to accept his award. 

"Son of a bitch," I muttered. I dropped into my seat, stunned. I couldn't even look at him or listen to his speech. 

Eve leaned over and whispered to me, "Well that will certainly make all the Tweeters happy. I'd say that's a fair night's work for Adam Sackler, asshole extraordinaire."

I did not attend the after party and when his call came through that night and I let it go to voicemail I texted him one word: 

"Don't." 

He answered in true Sackler fashion:

"Why wear a dress like that if you didn't want to be fucked?"

*** 

The sleek black car pulled up to the theater entrance and despite the rain, photographers abounded. Hadley looked at me to make sure I was okay, and I smiled at him with an assurance I was far from feeling. He was so handsome in his classic black tuxedo, his dark blonde hair slicked back but curling slightly about his ears and one stubborn strand falling rakishly across his forehead. He got out of the car first then held his hand out to me. As I stepped from the car, holding my voluminous skirt in one hand, under the large black umbrella that was held out for us, camera flashes went off nearly blinding me, voices shouted from both sides, my name, Hadley's name.

Hadley and I paused for a few photographs then stopped to chat and sign autographs for a group of appreciative and enthusiastic theater and music majors.

Hadley's female assistant, a blessedly discrete young woman, hurriedly hustled us inside, a formidable plow through humanity despite her petite size. Her black velvet clad form was a reassuring presence amid the chaos, as was Hadley's hand firmly clasping mine.

The night passed in blur for me though I tried so hard to capture and hold on to each and every small moment. The evening was far from over when the nominees for the newcomer award were read. Hadley reached over and took my hand, giving it a squeeze and I looked at him, smiling, my cheek warming under his gaze.

Sara Bareilles, looking gorgeous in a dress of sheer navy chiffon, opened the envelope, looked down at it, and smiled. Leaning into the microphone she announced,

"Julie Landor in Evening Primrose!"

***

Hadley kicked open the door of his apartment since he had his hands and arms rather full with me and my ballgown. We entered the darkened foyer and he kicked the door shut and stumbled with me into the living room. It was well after midnight and the beautiful skyline of Manhattan was our only night light as Hadley gently lowered me to his bed. I was clutching my Tony in my right hand and Hadley lovingly pried it out of my hands and set it on his nightstand with a grin.

"I don't think it'll run away, lass," he murmured, lowering his lips to mine.

I was on an all-time high as I twined my arms around his neck and kissed him back, my tongue thrusting against his in the same rhythm I wanted his cock thrusting into me. I was so done holding out. I needed him, needed this. Hadley reached behind me for the zipper of my dress and slowly dragged it down as I sat up to give him better access. I began undoing his bow tie and unbuttoning his white dress shirt. I glanced up at him and the moment my eyes met his I was petrified. 

A cell phone began ringing and vibrating loudly. Hadley winced and I sighed in relief. At first I was afraid it was Adam but my phone was in the living room in my bag where I'd dropped it. Hadley irritably reached for his own and grimaced when he saw the screen.

"I have to take this. I might be a while."

I nodded, understanding. I held the bodice of my loosened dress to my body while Hadley went into the living room, talking intensely to whoever was on the other end. I grabbed the remote and turned on the large flat screen across from the bed. Turning onto my stomach with some difficulty in the gown I wore, I began flipping through the channels. My stomach gave a lurch when I saw myself and Adam on the screen. My lips parted in fascination.

It was the episode of The Chemist where Pat finds Angela in bed with Jason and he drags Jason off her. Afterwards, there is a heart to heart between the brother and sister where they eventually make up after a fantastic shouting match. I watched mesmerized while Adam and I shared the most screen time we'd ever had and marveled at our chemistry, even playing siblings. 

Pat: I feel a responsibility to you, Angela. I don't want to see you hurt.

Angela: Don't you think that's my decision to make, Pat?

Pat: No.

It was so Sackler of him, I thought, a small smile curving my lips. I didn't even notice Hadley had returned until I felt his hand on my bottom. He had sat quietly on the edge of the bed and was watching the show with me. I bit my lip as Adam took me in his arms on the screen and his eyes were so sincere when he told Angela he loved her. My eyes began to sting.

"That's your show, isn't it?" Hadley asked.

I nodded once, eyes still glued to Adam, my heart splintering. 

"You're very good," he commented. A long pause. "You have a lot of chemistry with your co-star there, Adam Sackler...but that's only natural, you're such a gifted actress yourself. I've seen it firsthand and...Julie?"

Hadley's voice changed to a tone of concern for he had noticed the tears slipping noiselessly down my cheeks. His eyes darted back and forth between me and the television. Connecting the dots. Then he closed his eyes and let out a deep breath.

"Dammit," he murmured. 

I could have ripped out my own heart in that moment and given it to Hadley. But it wouldn't have meant anything anyway. It belonged to Adam. Everything belonged to Adam. I just hated myself for hurting this perfect, beautiful man beside me. 

"Julie," Hadley said, his lovely accented voice breaking into my reverie. 

I looked over my shoulder at him. "Yes?" I asked him, my own voice sounding misty.

His eyes were lowered, focused somewhere on my skirt. He stroked my back up and down slowly. "The other night when I asked you if there was someone else you said there wasn't. Is that still true? Was it then?"

I looked sorrowfully at him for a long moment before slowly shaking my head. "No," I whispered. It's not...and it wasn't."

He was calm but I could see the world of hurt and disappointment in his hazel eyes. 

"I'm so sorry, Hadley." I sat up, wiping my eyes. "I just didn't think...I thought I was over it." I shook my head. "But I'm not."

Hadley stared at me for a long time. "Even I know about his reputation, Julie. Do you think he'll give you what you need, be what you need? Honestly?"

I shook my head again. "Doesn't matter. Probably not but I can't do this with you, much as I would love to, Hadley. Oh God, you have no idea how bad I want to. But it would be so vile to treat you like that when you've been nothing but kind and gentlemanly to me all this time and given me so much!" I let out a sob at the last word. Mastering myself, I looked Hadley in the eye. I needed this to hurt me. "Everything we ever did together has meant more to me than you will ever know. I will always, always love and respect you, Hadley."

His lovely eyes searched mine, as if to ascertain my words. He smiled at me sadly, and took a deep breath, gently stroking my cheek. "You're a rare breed, Julie. You make a man feel bigger by your rejection than most do by their acceptance!" 

I laughed softly, slightly startled by his response. I knew my cheeks were flushed and I was glowing under his gaze. I slid off the bed rather clumsily because of my dress and Hadley, chuckling to himself stood up behind me and zipped up my bodice. I turned and smiled shyly at him. He was standing with his hands on his hips looking down at me, still pining but resigned. 

"I'll call a cab," he said, picking up his phone. "They're calling for thunderstorms tomorrow," Hadley continued. "Better wear your overcoat and bring an umbrella to rehearsals."

I looked at him, startled. "I thought...I mean I would have thought after tonight you'd be looking for a new partner."

To my astonishment Hadley took me by the shoulders and pulled forward. Gently kissing my forehead, he whispered, "Never."


	25. Still Hurting

"Julie, I'm so sorry."

"You said you'd be there," I said, gripping the phone so hard I'm surprised it didn't fly out of my hand.

"I know I did. What can I say? The producers want to move the shooting up a week." He paused for a long time. "Julie you know I can't get out of it." Another pause. "And even if I could, I wouldn't. This is too big..."

I felt the tears welling up. We hadn't even seen each other in person since the Emmys. I had planned so much on my opening night. He would come visit me in my dressing room backstage, we would have this Oscar-worthy reunion, and live happily ever after. I now saw it for the ridiculous dream of a theater ingenue that it was. I fought back the stinging in my eyes and forced a calm I didn't feel. Adam apologized profusely over and over about not being able to attend opening night because he had to fly out to California to start shooting a new movie. He still had no idea about what had unfolded on TONY night between Hadley and I.

"I totally get it, Adam," I said. "I do. I'd do the same thing."

I could hear his smile. "I know you would, kid. I never met anyone as dedicated to the art as you."

His words sent splinters directly into my heart. I blinked rapidly several times. Damn. I would need makeup back in here soon. "I'll send you a copy of the soundtrack. I...I think you'll like it."

"Please," he replied. "I'd love that."

This time when I blinked, tears fell into my lap. I couldn't talk anymore. "Bye, Adam," I said quietly.

"Break a leg, kid."

I did not reply, just ended the call before he could hear me crying.

I did not have to fake the tears that filled my eyes on opening night as I sang Cathy's lament in The Last Five Years when she discovers her marriage to Jamie is over. Plaintive strings and a winsome piano accompanied me. I poured every bit of my hurt and disappointment into that performance.

Jamie is over, and Jamie is gone...

Jamie's decided it's time to move on.

Jamie has new dreams he's building upon.

And I'm still hurting...

Jamie arrived at the end of the line

Jamie's convinced that the problems are mine

Jamie is probably feeling just fine

And I'm still hurting...

***

The reviews the next morning were even more glowing than the ones for Evening Primrose. I had, according to one critic, "proven" I was more than just an ingenue of the stage but could branch out into more serious, adult roles like that of Cathy. In other words, The Last Five Years garnered me the respect of even the harshest theater critics. That should have mollified me. Six months ago, it would have.

Hadley folded the paper and reached for his coffee. Then he noticed my barely touched cooling latte. The barista had created a fanciful heart in the foam but all I could do was stare at it in misery.

"Julie Landor," Hadley began, "with her ancient eyes and plaintive voice as warm as honey has us in tears with Cathy's lament, "Still Hurting", and begs us ask the question, is the heartache she injects into her song genuine or is she truly that great an actress?"

I lifted my startled eyes to Hadley's. "What critic said that?"

"Hadley Fraser. Pay him no mind."

I felt the beginnings of a smile curve my lips. I sat forward, my eyes still on the dissolving foam in my cup. "What do you think?" I asked.

Hadley took his time answering then I saw his hand reach out to cover mine. "Both," he answered simply.

I felt the pressure and sting behind my eyes and my lips tightened. Determined to hold myself in check I nervously cleared my throat. "Well. I guess it doesn't matter as long as it sells tickets."

"Rather salty thing to say, Julie."

I glanced up at him and then away. I stood. "I need to do some vocal warm-ups. See you tonight, Hadley."

I pulled my sunglasses down over my eyes as I exited the coffee shop. A few camera flashes went off from ambushing photographers but I ignored them. The uproar caused by Adam's impromptu kiss at the Emmy's had for the most part died down and interviewers were warned ahead of time not to question me about Adam Sackler or The Chemist. It made me feel like such a diva it was so disingenuous but Tracy assured me it was what all actors did, big or small famous or infamous. The truth was I followed her lead and the team of publicists that called me day and night...I was too numb to do anything else. 

My cell phone buzzed. "Hello?" I answered without check the caller ID.

"My favorited Broadway actress!" trilled Eve.

I smiled broadly. "Eve! How are you?"

"I'm amazing," she said softly. "I've been with Arthur these last few weeks." She sounded almost shy. "It's been heaven."

"And...?" I prompted.

"He said he's tired of living without me and propriety be damned. We're getting married in a small, private ceremony next week."

I stopped walking and annoyed New Yorkers skirted around me angrily. I hurried on, hoofing it to the theater which loomed a block ahead. 

"Eve!" I cried, "that's wonderful! I'm beyond happy for you!"

"You know I want you there," Eve said seriously. "Arthur does too." 

I had reached the theater by now and ducked inside, letting the heavy door swing shut behind me. I nodded and smiled a greeting to cast and crew members as I headed for my dressing room. Once inside, I sat down and put Eve on speaker. 

"So will you came?" she was asking.

The unspoken question lay between us but I was not going to ask it. I didn't have to.

"I'd really love you to be there, Julie, because I consider you a friend. And...my peanut butter won't be there."

Ah. Disappointment settled in my belly, more keen than I'd felt the other night. I suppose it was because if he couldn't be bothered to attend Eve's wedding, Eve with whom he shared so much, he had really moved on. Living the life, I thought. 

"Sorry to hear that," I murmured and meant it. "You know I'll come, Eve. I wouldn't miss it for the world."

I could hear Eve's smile through the phone. "Thank you, Julie! Oh, I'm so excited I can hardly think. Now, it's going to Saturday morning, eleven thirty sharp I'll walk down the aisle because I want to be pronounced at high noon."

I giggled. "Sounds lovely, Eve," I commented. "I'm so happy for you. You'll make a beautiful bride and Arthur is so lucky to have you."

"You can bring Hadley if you like," Eve offered shyly.

I realized then what Eve must have thought. "Oh!" I said. "Oh, no. I mean thanks, Eve. That's sweet of you but Hadley and I aren't...uh..."

"Aren't you?" Eve questioned slyly.

"No," I answered definitively. "Hadley is aware that I...have feelings for someone else."

The silence was thick and deafening. "I see," she finally said. "Well, I hope whoever it is knows how you feel. Because if he doesn't..."

"Ms. Landor!"

A loud knock at my door made me jump. "Hang on, Eve," I said hurriedly. "Come in!"

An assistant poked his head in the door. "Mr. Evans needs to see you pronto. He's thinking of making some small changes to the choreography."

I nodded. "Sure. I'll be right there." As soon as the door closed, I said, "Looks like I have to go, Eve. I'm so happy for you and your news. I can't wait to see you marry your soulmate!"

"Thanks, kid," Eve replied warmly. "I'll see you there!"

***

EVE

"Oh, my God, you're such an ass, Adam!" Eve cried, raking her fingers through her hair. "She was practically crying."

"Sure, Eve," he replied with that infuriating laugh he used when he was condescending to her. "I have a shoot in about ten minutes..."

"Will you just listen?" Eve cried. "Come to my wedding. She'll be there. She still loves you, I know she does. There is nothing between her and Hadley."

There was a long pause. "Then why the fuck did she run off on Emmy night and hide? Huh? Fuck kind of thing is that to do? And then she moved from Brooklyn to Manhattan..."

"Jesus, she did that for her career, you moron! As for her running off, ever stop to think maybe it was to avoid all the media attention after that little show you put on after you won? Hell, even I was embarrassed for her!" 

Adam grumbled, "She used to like shit like that."

Eve groaned in frustration. "Not in front of a million viewers and television cameras, you fuck wad!"

Adam nearly growled in frustration. "Whatever, she's too fucking young for me. You were right about that, Eve. I'm not playing these fucking games anymore." He sighed heavily. "I'm sorry I won't be there to see you get married." He grew quiet. "Will Arthur let me see you ever again do you think?"

Eve laughed. "What? What the fuck kind of question is that?"

"He kind of hates me after all the shit I pulled last year...with...her. And he doesn't trust me, I know that. He's kind of always had a stick up his ass about me."

Eve rolled my eyes. "That's absurd, Adam."

"I don't think it is," he insisted stubbornly. "Where's he taking you for your honeymoon?"

"Cape Town. It's where he was born. No reception...we're driving straight to the airfield after the ceremony. We don't want to delay our life together one bit. Or anyone else's!" 

Adam laughed. "Sounds very Instagram-worthy," he said sarcastically. 

"Shut up, you asshole, you know we're not like that" Eve giggled. She paused a second, a wave of nostalgia and loneliness suddenly sweeping over her. "He actually supported the idea of you giving me away," she said quietly. "I'm kind of sad you won't be."

Adam was quiet for a long time. "Yeah, me too, jelly." There was a wistfulness in his voice. 

"Fuck you, peanut butter," Eve replied trying not to cry.

For once Adam didn't have a sarcastic or raunchy comeback. He just said, "I'm sorry, Eve."

Eve felt she needed to lighten this up. "Just...don't...you know, don't fuck any Hollywood starlets while you're out there," I warned.

Adam laughed wickedly. "I make no promises!"

ADAM

After the call with Eve ended, Adam slipped the phone back into his packet, then pulled something else out. Not a sobriety chip...he'd long ago stopped carrying that in lieu of what he now held in his hand. 

He looked down at the sparkling pair of diamond studs that sat glimmering and reflecting rainbow lights from his palm. Then, slowly his fingers closed over them and he replaced them in his trouser pocket with a bitter smile.

JULIE

A few nights later, I was sitting at my dressing table after another sell-out performance of The Last Five Years, painstakingly removing my waterproof mascara. There was a knock at my door. 

"Come in," I called absently.

A young female assistant cracked the door and said, "Delivery for you, Ms. Landor."

Probably more flowers, I thought. My dressing room was full of them. I had started donating them to local children's hospitals and nursing homes.

"Just set it down on the floor. I'll unpack them later," I said.

"Um, it's kind of small," the assistant replied timidly. "To set the floor, I mean."

I turned on my stool and stared at her. "O-kay," I said. "Then just bring it in."

She smiled and came towards me, a small familiar black velvet box in her hand. My heart skipped a beat and I stared at it. I reached out a not-quite-steady hand and took it. 

"Thank you...ah..."

"Deanna," she supplied.

I smiled. "Thank you, Deanna."

She beamed and went out. I looked down at the box in my hand and slowly, carefully opened it. Just as I knew there would be, two absurdly large diamond studs winked at me from inside.


	26. Toss The Bouquet

I snapped the box closed and rushed out of the room.

"Deanna!" I called.

The young woman was briskly walking towards the stage area, obviously busy on another mission when she spun and smiled at me.

Yes, Ms. Landor?" she asked eagerly.

I held the box out. "Who... who delivered this? There's no shipping box or label. How was it delivered?"

Deanna seemed startled as if she was afraid she had done something wrong. "No, there wasn't. The man just handed it to me at the stage door and told me to give it to you."

I grabbed her shoulders. "What man?" I demanded. "Where did he go? What did he look like?" My heart was in my throat.

She shrugged. "I don't know...he was an older dude...talked with a Bronx accent."

My shoulders sagged in disappointment. He had used a courier. I nodded. "Thank you, Deanna."

She hurried off and I went slowly back to my dressing room. When I reached the door, I heard Hadley call out to me.

"All right there, Julie?"

I nodded. "All right, Hadley. I think I'll go straight home tonight. I don't really feel like dinner."

***

Sitting on the edge of my bed in my new three-room Manhattan apartment, I stared at the black velvet box nestled on my lace covered pillow, and toyed with my cell phone. I kept swiping it open and hovering my thumb over Adam's name, long restored to my contacts. Finally, I hit "call". It went to voicemail as before but this time the box was not full. 

When the tone sounded I hesitated a brief second, then whispered, "Thanks, sultan." and ended the call hurriedly. 

Taking the black box I flipped open the lid and stared down at the earrings' starlight twinkle, tilting the box this way and that to catch the light. I remembered Adam's long fingers fastening them into my ears and how amused I was by his surprising deftness. A lump rose in my throat and I slowly removed one stud from its cushioned bed. Almost ceremoniously, I pushed the post through my ear lobe and slid the back snugly behind it. I did the same with the other and got up to inspect the effect in my mirror. 

I held my long thick hair up away from my face and turned my head from side to side, loving the way the diamonds sparkled and shone. They would look amazing with the dress I had bought to wear to Eve's wedding, I decided.

***

A few hours away from the noise and hustle of the city was the small town chapel where Eve and Arthur were to say their vows. It was secluded enough to fly under the radar of paparazzi and yet possessed an elegance and purity about it that seemed absolutely perfect for the occasion. I wore a pale blue lace strapless sheath with a matching chiffon capelet that circled my shoulders for modesty. My hair was down in curls and swept up on either side with pearl combs in keeping with Eve's vintage Hollywood theme. In my ears winked the extravagant diamond studs.

I hurried to the bride's room, a tiny annex off to one side of the narthex. Eve was there with her assistant, Barbara, and together we helped Eve with her dress and her nerves.

"You look so beautiful, Eve!" I sighed standing back and looking at her. "You look like you just stepped out of Vogue!"

Barbara nodded in agreement.

Indeed, Eve was the picture of radiance and beauty in her vintage-style white Dior dress with its full, high low skirt, portrait neckline, and short lace sleeves. Her blond hair was artfully curled and swept up away from her face in a style reminiscent of Grace Kelly and she wore a white fascinator festooned with white rosebuds and a small net veil that came down just over her eyes. On the third finger of her left hand sparkled the embodiment of all her dreams: the pear-shaped diamond ballerina ring from Arthur. 

I was holding her small bouquet of white roses and baby's breath in my hand and I held it out to her. 

"You're both going to make me cry!" she said, her voice breaking as she took the bouquet.

"Don't you dare!" I whispered playfully, taking her arm.

Barbara peeked out and reported, "The guests are arriving. I'll just go make sure of the seating arrangements."

Eve and I looked at each other for a moment. Then we both clasped hands and kissed each other on the cheek.

"It's really happening," she murmured, as if she was afraid of speaking to loudly and breaking the spell. "I'm almost afraid to believe it!"

I drew back and looked into her shimmering blue eyes under the white net veil. I gave her hands a squeeze. "Believe it, you beautiful lady. You deserve it all and more."

She reached out and touched one of the earrings that sparkled beside my face. "So do you, Julie. So do you. Don't wait so long like I did. Get married and have those three kids. Remember?"

I laughed, tears filling my eyes as I did remember that long-ago conversation with her and Adam in a Brooklyn deli. It seemed forever ago. I nodded, humoring her.

"Ok, Eve."

She grinned. "Now let's do this before we cry our makeup off!"

I took my place at the front of the chapel in one of the gilt chairs with Sharon and her husband on one side, Matt on my other. When the procession began I could not stop the tears from welling as I stood and watched Eve walk down the aisle to meet the love of her life. Arthur, dapper and classy in a dark gray three piece suit with a gray silk ascot was the picture of pride and love, his eyes only for Eve. 

The ceremony was short and simple but lovely. As Eve had desired they were pronounced on the stroke of noon. Just as they kissed the tower bell began tolling the hour and the effect was cinematic. 

The double doors to the small chapel were suddenly flung open and my attention was diverted from Eve and Arthur's kiss to see who the late comer was. I froze, my eyes widening at the sight of Adam, his large frame filling the doorway, how handsome he looked after all these months in a navy suit and pale blue tie. The exact same color as my dress. Damn you, Eve.

Eve and Arthur broke apart and turned to look at their audacious gatecrasher. I watched as Adam put his fingers to his lips and blew Eve a kiss with an apologetic smile. Ever the showman, ever the king of gestures.

Eve was positively beaming at him. Without a moment's hesitation, she grinned beautifully and tossed her bouquet right to him. Adam was caught off guard, catching it more from reflex than anything else, and an eruption of laughter from the wedding guests filled the chapel.

Adam looked abashed, the tops of his ears red, as he stared down at the bouquet as if wondering how the hell this confection of delicate white roses and satin ribbons had found its way into his hands. As Eve and Arthur made their way back up the aisle, Eve paused and reached up to squeeze Adam's jaw reprovingly. More laughter. More blushing and sheepish smiling from Adam.

Then she and Arthur were gone and the guests hurriedly following to see them off. I found myself grinning stupidly...until Adam looked up and noticed me. I froze and my half-born smile melted away as our eyes met.

The crowd was dispersing, swirling around us like we were two stones in a rushing river hurrying to the open chapel doors. Even Eve and Arthur had sailed outside to their waiting limousine and the sound of well-wishers grew fainter and fainter until it was just the two of us standing in the chapel. Adam took one step up the aisle toward me, then stopped as if I were a skittish kitten and he didn't want to frighten me off. Then he glanced down at the bouquet in his hand and back up at me, his eyes warm with childish hope.

I was as caught off guard as he had been when he tossed the bouquet to me. I gasped reaching out and catching it in both hands, then met his eyes shyly. A small smile found its way to those lush, pouty lips and he began making his slow, hesitant way over to me, fingers drumming nervously on the backs of chairs as he came to me. I found my own feet moving, moving towards him and before we had reached the halfway mark, I took running leap at him, throwing my arms about his neck. Our lips met without missing a beat, devouring each other like we were starving. I should have been ashamed of myself as I dropped the bouquet to the floor behind him, my hands touching his face, his hair, but I was as insatiable as Adam.

Our starving grunts and groans as our tongues met for the first time in months sounded lascivious in the empty chapel. Adam's hands wandered all over me, up and down my back, squeezing my ass, then moving back up to tangled in my curls and caress my cheeks with sensitive fingertips. I stepped up onto his shoes the better to reach that invasive, marauding mouth and sucked his tongue into my mouth. His moan of approval vibrated through my whole body and I shuddered. His hand slipping underneath my capelet and cupping my breast suddenly reminded me we were in a sacred place.

I broke off our kiss and took a step back, my hands going to his wrists and disengaging his hands from my face. "Adam," I murmured. "we shouldn't be doing this in here."

His eyes were all over me, devouring me, taking in every detail of me. I blushed under his scrutiny. 

"Julie," he answered back, his voice almost cracking. "Do you know how fucking bad it's been these past few months? Needing you? Imagining you with someone else? And then you stand there looking like a convention of angels." He laughed humorlessly. "I doubt God's gonna hold it against me." He reached up and touched my face, his fingers brushing the diamonds in my ears, his face very close to mine. "You hear what I'm saying, Julie? I love you. I love you and no one else gets you."

My eyes were shining with tears. "Ok, Adam. No one gets me but you."

He looked as if he was too overwhelmed to speak any more. His gaze fell on the bouquet at our feet and keeping one hand on my waist he bent to retrieve it and shyly hand it back to me. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and I raised my eyes to his.

"So, um...what are your plans for the rest of the day?" he asked, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed nervously.

My heart was still racing from the shock of seeing him, kissing him, and hearing him say he loved me. "Ah, well...since we're not that far from Utica I thought I'd just grab a cab and go see mom." I shrugged with a coolness I was far from feeling.

Adam smiled his big toothy grin as he began escorting me out of the chapel. "Good. I've always wanted to meet mom. We can take my car."

I blinked and shook my head as if to clear it, stopping to stare at him. "Wait, what? You want to come with me...to meet my mom?"

His eyes sparkled. "Of course. I mean, I have to ask her if it's okay to ask her daughter to marry me. That's how these things are done, right?"

My mouth dropped and I froze. "You crazy ass fucker!" I squealed throwing myself into his arms again.

He laughed against my hair. "Hey, watch that mouth, kid. We're in a church!"

Author's Note: Thank my love of old movies, Broadway musicals, and Adam Driver that made this fic possible. This entire story is dedicated to my three beautiful pallies, a trio of queens if there ever was: Jaclyn, Rebekah, and Samantha.


	27. Epilogue: Golden Years

The little girl stood on tiptoes, her wide brown eyes scanning the row of golden medallions with the tragedy and comedy masks in relief on their surface. She knew it would spin in its half-circle frame if she touched it. She read the names engraved on the black base of each award: Julie Landor – Evening Primrose, Julie Landor – The Last Five Years, Julie Landor – The In-Between, Julie Landor – The Little Stranger, Julie Landor – Your Hit Parade...

The little girl's eyes went to the opposite shelf and she grinned at the golden statuettes that stood in formation. Some were winged women hold what appeared to be giant atoms above their heads. She'd heard her grandpa call the woman "Emmy". Others were golden knights holding crusaders swords and standing on a reel of film. She remembered what her grandpa had called him: Oscar.

"Sarah!"

The little girl spun around at the sound of her name and saw her grandmother pushing open the door to the room. Framed in the doorway, Julie Landor at sixty-five, still had the posture and figure she'd had at twenty-seven. Her hair was shorter these days, silvery brown and styled each week to maintain its curly bouffant. Her warm, honey-colored eyes still sparkled with a zest for life and her smile was still as infectious as ever. Especially when she looked at this, her favorite grandchild, Sarah Sackler.

"Now what are you doing back in here?" Julie asked, her smile knowing.

Sarah was smiling with wonder. "Grammy, tell me about this one!" She pointed randomly at a Tony award. The In-Between.

Julie smiled coming into the "trophy room" as they called it of her and her husband's upstate mansion. She took the little girl's hand and sat down on the sofa facing the awards and pulled her granddaughter into her lap.

"Well, I won that one for a musical play I was in with your Uncle Hadley. It was very steampunk. I got to wear this fantastic costume with clock works and it had the most amazing music. You'll have to let me play the soundtrack for you one day." Julie stroked her granddaughter's dark curls and smiled fondly. "I won that the same year your grandpa won his first Oscar. And the year we found out I was pregnant with your dad. It was a year for celebrations, that's for sure!"

Sarah beamed as she heard her Grammy re-tell the story. She had heard it a dozen times before, but she never tired of it. They stared in silence at the array of awards and photographs on the wall, including one of Julie and Adam, five years after their marriage, each holding their own Oscars for their work in Watertown, a dark drama based off the Sinatra concept album of the same name. They had respectively won Best Actor and Best Actress, a zenith moment in their careers.

"Tell me about when you and Grandpa met."

That request never failed to make her Grammy throw her head back and laugh uproariously. As if it was the funniest and yet most precious memory she had. Julie pulled her granddaughter closer to her and began recounting her first day on the set of The Chemist. Adam Sackler persistently chasing her until she agreed to go out with him, the fun they'd had in the early days on the set, and the way he had made her push past her inhibitions about doing love scenes. She shook her head fondly. Of course, his agenda wasn't always unselfish, but how could she blame him for that? He was head over heels for her, it had just taken a mutual friend's wedding for her to see that. People were amazed she had "trapped" him into his own trip down the aisle. But it was a match made in heaven as thirty-five years of marital bliss and five children had proven.

The first three children were stair steps, all boys, one right after the other, barely a year apart. The last two were surprise babies who had arrived when Julie was in her forties. Both girls and both now studying at Juilliard. The older three were all married to lovely women and all had kids of their own. Julie smiled and tears of happiness filled her eyes. She felt like the luckiest woman alive.

"Aunt Evie is taking Arthur and me on her yacht tomorrow," Sarah confided.

"Oh!" Julie exclaimed. "You'll love that...sailing around the Hudson, seeing the sights."

Arthur was Sarah's older brother, named for the late Broadway legend, Arthur Blunt. Eve's husband had passed about ten years after his and Eve's wedding and she'd never remarried, instead happily taking on the role of loving godmother and aunt to the Sackler brood. Julie understood it all too well...she had married the love of her life too.

"When's Grandpa coming home?" Sarah sighed impatiently.

Julie kissed the soft dark curls. "Soon, love," she said. "Soon. He's doing an interview with that lady from the..."

A door slammed.

"Fucking journalists...they're all fucking the same! Such bullshit questions about nothing...appreciate your interest in my movie, pretentious bitch."

A familiar shuffle accompanied by the thump of a wooden cane on the entryway floor signaled the arrival of the master of the house.

Sarah and Julie looked at each other and giggled. "Sound's like Grandpa's home," I said wryly.

Soon his massive frame was filling the doorway and his booming voice as his eyes focused on Sarah, was filling the trophy room. "Why if it isn't my own little Sarah Bernhardt!" he cried in a terrible falsetto French accent.

Sarah squealed and jumped up from her grandmother's lap, running to her grandpa as he hooked the cane over his arm and held both hands out to her. He swept her up and she was engulfed in his embrace as he swung her none too gently to and fro.

"Adam, watch out for your back!" Julie called out.

But her husband was oblivious, having too much fun. He finally set Sarah down and his eyes found Julie. A tiny thrill went through her and she was in her twenties again, just like that. The years had been kind to him as well. He was still as tall as ever, although a touch of arthritis in in his knees had made him slightly bow-legged and made the cane necessary. In his jeans, button down flannel over a black tee shirt, and black and red Nikes, however, he still dressed like a seventh grader at age seventy-three, Julie thought shaking her head. His gorgeous salt-and-pepper hair still tempted her to run her fingers through. And she did, all the time. She rose and went to him and he bent to kiss her, a kiss that could still curl her toes and ignite passion between them more than three decades later.

Sarah cleared her throat. "Grammy was just telling me how you two met, Grandpa."

Adam glanced down at his youngest grandchild then back to Julie. "Oh, she was, was she? Did she tell you how she used to chase me all over Studio C and hide in my dressing room, and leave lipstick kisses all over my..."

Julie slapped Adam's arm. "Adam! I did no such thing!" she cried. "Stop telling her that!'

Adam laughed and as always it was infectious. He scooped Sarah up again and drew Julie close to him with his other arm and together the three of them went out, Sarah talking excitedly about her yachting trip tomorrow and her lead role in the upcoming school play.

Adam and Julie simply exchanged that special look they had perfected over the years that conveyed all the feelings that thirty-five magical years had wrought.

"I love you, sultan," Julie whispered.

Adam leaned over and kissed her again. "Love you too, kid."


End file.
